These are the 14 most common mistakes that men make on dates.
The more you make, the less likely a woman will want to see you again.
This list is based on my own dating experiences, plus the stories I’ve heard from my friends and coaching clients.
1. Not leading
Feminine women want to be led by masculine men. This is what creates a sexually polarised date that turns them on.
When you lead a woman with conviction, it shows that you’re a confident man who has his shit together.
If you’re asking her to make decisions, it shows that you’re not assertive and you’re not sure of yourself. It’s a massive turn-off.
She would much rather not have to worry about making any decisions so she can relax into her femininity.
That’s why you need to choose a time, a venue and a plan for your date. You need to be the one who invites her to a second venue, goes for the kiss and invites her to your place.
If she doesn’t like your plan, she’ll tell you. But, when you lead assertively, she’ll usually be happy to go with the flow.
2. Boring her
It’s also your responsibility to lead the conversation and ensure it’s not boring.
A lot of guys like to stick with safe topics or ‘getting to know you’ questions on a first date. This way, there’s little risk of them saying something stupid or offensive. While that’s true, there’s a HUGE risk of your date getting bored when you play it safe this way.
You’re better off not filtering yourself. Bring up the same topics and make the same jokes you would with your best friends. She’ll either love it or hate it, but she won’t be bored. My guides on starting electric conversations and making an emotional impact will help you further.
It’s often suggested that letting your date talk and being a ‘good listener’ will make her like you. That’s not the case for many reasons. First off, she’ll lose her chances to get to know you. Secondly, she’ll feel like she’s leading the date. On top of that, she’ll often lead the conversation into topics that will make the date worse. We’ll explore these later.
3. A bad first impression
You can make a bad first impression by looking scruffy, smelling bad or forgetting your date’s name. You can also do that by bringing up polarising topics too quickly.
There is no reason to be talking about race, politics and religion on a first date. These topics are too sensitive and one wrong opinion could end the date before she even gets to know you.
Cussing and rudeness are two more big no-nos if you’re looking to make a solid first impression.
4. Negativity
As a general rule, don’t talk about anything negative on a first date.
While real life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, this woman agreed to a date because she thought it would be FUN.
It’s OK to talk about your challenges in life but only if you do so in a confident and positive manner. It should be clear that there is (or will be) a happy ending to your story.
If your date insists on complaining, it’s your job to lead her towards a more positive topic.
5. Talking about exes
Don’t ever talk about your ex on a date. No good can ever come of it. If she mentions her ex (or any guy she has slept with), make a quick comment then change the topic quickly. The more she speaks about other men she has slept with, the less she’ll want to sleep with you.
For this reason, you also shouldn’t ask: “How’s the Tinder life been treating you?”
6. Acting platonic
You need to make it obvious that you want to date her, not be her friend. You don’t need to say these exact words, but it should be clear your end goal is to sleep with her.
You don’t need to overdo it. A couple of compliments at the start of the date is usually enough. My guide on building sexual tension will help you too.
7. Keeping your distance
It’s worth turning up early to the venue and finding somewhere where you can sit next to her. A sofa is ideal. Sitting opposite each other at a table creates too much distance between you and feels too formal.
It’s really difficult to create a sexual connection with your date if you don’t touch her. My guide on getting physical with a woman explains how to do this smoothly at a pace she’s comfortable with.
8. Getting too emotionally invested
You shouldn’t act like a platonic friend but you shouldn’t emotionally over-invest either. It’s a balance. You’ll usually get it right by investing as much (or slightly less) than her.
If she feels like she’s won you over too quickly, she’ll usually assume it’s because you don’t normally date women as good as her. Don’t ever let a woman feel like ‘she’s out of your league’. If you do, her attraction will plummet. Women never date down.
You can show interest in her stories and achievements if they’re generally impressive. You can laugh at her jokes if they’re funny. Just don’t be that guy who eats up everything she says just because she’s hot.
9. Trying to impress her
Most guys see first dates as an audition where they need to impress a woman. Don’t be like these guys.
If she senses you’re trying too hard to impress her, she’ll again assume it’s because you think she’s out of your league.
So, don’t brag and don’t spend a ton of money on her.
Your attitude on a first date should be “I hope this woman is interesting” rather than “I hope she likes me”. This creates a frame where she sells herself to you, and that’s good for both of you. Women want to have to work to win their date over. That’s a signal that he’s a high-quality man.
If you want to tell her something about your life, make it part of a larger story so it doesn’t come across as bragging. With that said, your achievements will make a bigger impact when she discovers them for herself.
10. Taking her to dinner
We’ve already covered the main reasons why this is a bad idea. It feels too formal, which makes it harder for a woman to relax. You can’t touch each other. And you’ll probably end up spending a ton of money on her. All this for a date which isn’t fun in and of itself.
You’re better off going for cocktails or a coffee. These dates feel more casual, which makes women feel more comfortable to open up and have fun.
Ultimately, it’s the personal connection that will make this woman want to see you again. There’s no good reason to take her to a fancy restaurant.
11. Not setting boundaries
A strong man has strong personal boundaries. A weak man lets his date act however she wants without calling her up on it. A woman will have no respect for that weak man and won’t want to see him again.
That’s why it’s so important to call out a woman if she crosses your personal boundaries. If she’s rude, tell her that you don’t appreciate her manners. A good woman who likes you will apologize and try to act better.
On a similar line of thought, it’s also OK to tease a woman if she says something silly. This creates a more playful date and makes it more fun for both of you. If you agree with everything she says, you come across as too try-hard and this will ultimately nuke her attraction.
12. Getting drunk
Getting drunk on a first date might calm your nerves, but it can lead to a host of other problems.
Women want their men to be reliable and emotionally stable. Drunk dudes are the polar opposite of that.
You’ll also be more prone to ruining the date by doing and saying stupid shit. You don’t want to be that guy.
13. Letting her get drunk
She’s a grown woman who can do what she wants, but it’s better for you if she doesn’t get drunk.
If she drinks too much, you won’t be able to have sex with her. Even worse, she could get sick and need to go home. A lot of women will choose not to see a man again if they are too embarrassed about how they acted on the first date.
14. Not having fun
Don’t be scared to let go and enjoy yourself. Dates are supposed to be FUN.
What’s more, when you relax and have a good time, your date will find it easier to do the same.
You can make a date fun by discussing the topics you actually want to talk about, rather than playing it safe in your conversations.
You can make it fun by flirting with her and teasing her. You can make it fun by asking deep emotionally impactful questions, rather than boring surface-level stuff.
There’s an interesting person inside everyone, and your date will feel more comfortable revealing her fun side when you relax and enjoy yourself first.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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