After trying out the waters in different countries, on different apps, and at different ages and stages in my life, here’s what I look for on a date with a man.
- Is he a good listener?
- Is he open to new experiences or does he have a lot of fixed ideas?
- Does he empathize with me?
- Is he in touch with his emotions?
- Does he ask me about me?
- Does he have standards and boundaries — he’s not just looking for ‘any’ woman
- Do we have shared political, religious, and sexual orientations?
- Do I feel any chemistry with him?
- Does he take care of himself physically, mentally & emotionally?
- Does he have a purpose, passion, or direction to pursue in life?
The 2 things that aren’t anywhere on this list:
- Looks
- Wealth
This probably comes as a surprise, since the majority of men come to work with me thinking they’ll never find a partner because they aren’t handsome enough or rich enough, and women only want that in a man. In fact, I’m often told that women are ‘biologically-wired’ to want only extremely attractive and wealthy men.
This sort of victim mentality, ‘poor-me’ stance, and closed, condescending way of thinking is a sure-fire way to fail a date.
As a man, if you go on a date where you’ve decided you already know what she wants, and you’re not listening to her with your whole self (your body, your spirit, your heart), then you’re not present with her in the moment, and she will feel it.
For women who have done self-awareness, emotional intelligence, conscious communication, or sacred sexuality work, those 2 qualities (looks and wealth) are surface-level things that do not guarantee a deep and healthy partnership. In fact, they often preclude it!
To be sure, we want to be attracted to the man we are with, but attraction is highly subjective and also can develop over time, with kindness, connection, empathy, and good communication.
Chemistry, on the other hand, is a basic compatibility issue such as ‘do you like the way each other smells.’ It can’t be faked and usually doesn’t change.
In terms of wealth, it’s certainly a perk to have enough for a little luxury and a good retirement, from either gender. But what I look for first is financial responsibility: lack of crushing debt, an ability to focus, work, and be reliable, and enough means to live at a comfortable level (which again, varies widely by person).
The bottom line is that to have a partnership focused on growing and learning together, mutual respect and support, laughing a lot, great sex, deepening into love, and being there for each other in hard times, you need kindness, empathy, good communication, openness to new experiences, passion and drive.
And to me, those things are infinitely more attractive than a 6-pack and a big paycheck.
These qualities are also hard to invite someone into. While it’s socially acceptable and more obvious what to do in order to get in shape or make more money, on the other hand when it comes to personal development, taking up this path can create shame and resistance, especially for men (though it can happen for anyone).
I call these skills ‘more gold than gold’. If you’re a man who is open to developing them, you’ll have an advantage when it comes to finding a partner who can go deep with you in a fulfilling way.
And that sort of partnership is what my clients tell me they are truly longing for.
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Previously published on “Hello, Love”, a Medium publication.
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Photo credit: Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash