Last summer I had an honest conversation with a local narcissist named Ty. I’ve known him for a little over two years now because I copped some weed from him a couple of times.
One night, we ran into each other on one of my 2 a.m. wine cooler runs and decided to have a smoke together. As we were walking and talking, we got onto the multi-layered topic of —
- men
- women, and of course
- relationships
When I asked him —
Why do men really cheat?
He gave me the obvious reasons that are pretty common to hear…
- easy access
- they’re not happy
- too much drama within the relationship
- the thrill of cheating
- needing something new
- knowing they can get away with it, and
- because they can
But then he gave me one reason that genuinely broke my heart but also opened my eyes to something very very hopeless.
No matter how good you are to them you are definitely going to be cheated on by a narcissist. And in some cases, it’s going to be because of how good you are to them.
…
Before we go any further
I think it’s important to note that Ty is an overt narcissist
This is important because, from my experience, each narcissistic archetype triangulates its supply for different reasons; although the requirement for stimuli is shared among all three.
The covert: is triangulating as a result of being in survival mode (and for revenge).
Usually as a result of their supply establishing boundaries and catching onto who they really are.
The malignant: tend to do it as a sadistic measure.
Not only do they want to hurt you but they’re bored of you and may want revenge for some perceived slight as well.
The difference between the malignant and the covert is that, unlike the covert narcissist, the malignant narcissist is not pressed about you seeing through them or finding out.
These are the cheaters who are the most likely to not even bother covering their tracks. They want you to know you have a replacement. I detailed my own experience of this,
In the following story:
This Is the Malignant Narcissist’s Discard Process
Not only do they plan their exit strategies — they usually do a test run first
medium.com
The overt, however: tend to triangulate their supply because they’re bored and need new stimuli.
But it’s why they grow bored in the first place that showcases the true extent of their narcissism and why falling in love with them is truly a lost cause — as well as a disservice to yourself.
…
Do you remember this saying?
A lot of older women were quoted saying this to young girls
Choose a man who loves you more than you love him.
I used to hate this saying.
As someone whose dated narcissists, I empathized with any man that applied to this sentiment because I know how it feels to be starved of love, simply because you loved the person you were with more than they loved you.
But it was Ty’s answer to my question that honestly destroyed that perception because he shocked me when he said —
Once you let me know you love me to the point you’re willing to do anything to please me and keep me happy, once I know that, aw man you can forget about it. Now, I got you and I can do whatever I want because you’re willing to deal with it. Because of how much you love me. I can get away with murder.
I was floored.
I felt like I’d personally been punched in the gut and suddenly the trajectory of every single relationship I had ever been in made perfect sense.
…
This is why good supply becomes bad supply
The gentler I loved a man, the more brutally he “loved” me back
The more I loved them the less they loved me back. And it never made sense until I had this conversation with Ty.
It wasn’t that I was loving them wrong.
It was the fact that I was loving them at all.
I was devalued because of my expression of the love I felt for these men — these narcissists. They lost interest because they were bored.
They were bored because I was good to them and didn’t present much of a challenge. I was upfront about my love and real with my intentions.
There was nothing up my sleeve.
All my cards were laid out.
I was too easy because I didn’t make love hard.
Now it made sense that a number of them cheated on me with the types of women they’d complained about getting their hearts broken by, in the first place, before I came along.
Ultimately, I actually wasn’t good supply at all.
Because I wasn’t toxic enough.
…
Overt narcissists need a (toxic) challenge
These archetypes get bored very easily
(They actually get bored the fastest.)
They’re similar to malignant narcissists in this way, the only difference is the malignant narcissist gets bored because they grow increasingly unattracted to you the more you are devoted to them.
And this is because they are fully aware they are abusing you so they see your tolerance as unattractive. And they view your breakdown (over time) as pathetic. They even find it disgusting.
(These are the narcissists who blame you for your lack of self-respect, and ultimately, for allowing them to get away with any of their treatment of you.)
The overt narcissist gets bored because you’re being too good to them. You’re
- dedicated and dutiful.
- sexual and sensual.
- nurturing and kindhearted.
- charitable and sacrificial.
You’re damn near the perfect partner.
So… there’s no reason to chase you anymore.
You’ll realize, once you have your footing in your relationship with the overt narcissist they start getting bored, or seem restless.
They might even start picking fights when nothing is even wrong.
In fact, it is the overt narcissist that is the most likely to pick fights out of sheer entertainment. These are the narcissists that tell you how,
- cute
- sex, or
- funny/amusing
You look (or are) when you get mad.
This is a dangerous red flag because it is 100% the only indication you need that you are dealing with an individual who will place your mental-emotional state in jeopardy for sheer entertainment.
To cure their boredom.
But it doesn’t stop there because the overt narcissist’s boredom means one thing for sure is about to happen, fight or no fight.
You are going to be triangulated.
…
Ty was dating a woman in my building
I started seeing them together in April 2021
It was clear they were most definitely an item.
I spotted them together multiple times going out on dates and I even witnessed a lover’s spat at one point. But I got an indication of how serious their relationship was earlier that summer.
I was coming back home from a late-night walk when I ran into Ty in the streets. He was coming back from a concert.
I noticed he was carrying a pink toy and a pink cup (that was clearly meant for a kid) in his hand.
The woman in my building has a daughter from a previous relationship. The items in his hand were clearly meant for her. This was confirmed as we both headed into my building,
Where Ty does not live.
He was going to see her.
From my observation, he had clearly made a conscious effort to develop a bond with her child. This is how serious the relationship appeared.
I use the word ‘appeared’ intentionally because of what Ty would go on to say a little later in our conversation.
Ty mentioned how until he “meets the right woman” he’s single and dealing with women loosely and openly.
This is when I brought up his relationship with the girl in my building and asked him whether or not she actually was his girlfriend,
To which he said no.
(This wasn’t true.)
I told him based on the way he seems to carry on with her that she might get the idea that they were, in fact, in a relationship.
(What he was doing was love-bombing her.)
This is when he said —
“That’s her problem. Anyone who thinks that, that’s on them. I do whatever I want.”
I asked him whether or not these women knew this and he replied,
They should. But if they don’t that’s on them.
As much as I respected his honesty with me, I was so confused as to why he wasn’t this open and blunt with the women he seemed to be dealing with.
That’s when I realized… she’s still a valuable supply source, to some degree. She still entertained him enough to keep him interested but her newness was starting to wear off.
Now, Ty was in the streets stocking up on supply behind her back while still dealing with her. And I would get undeniable evidence of this by the end of the summer… when Ty asked me to have sex with him.
…
It happened in August
It was around 1 in the afternoon
I was coming back home from a long walk when somebody yelled,
“Yo Lin!!!”
I turned to see who the hell it was because it was so loud it caught me off guard. It was Ty. He walked towards me with open arms and embraced me, seeming genuinely happy to see me.
All of this caught me off guard because although we definitely weren’t strangers, he never approached me this affectionately.
But I was high so I didn’t really make much of it.
He asked how I was doing before asking for my number.
(He had it before because, as I said, I copped weed from him but the number had changed since then so I didn’t think anything of him asking for it.)
It didn’t take long for him to text me “WYD” before asking me to hang out with him in the park… at 2 o’clock in the morning.
I never answered because I knew he was checking to see if I would take the bait, either by —
- responding with affirmative text, or
- responding to him at all (at such late hours)
He wanted to see if I was down.
He wanted to know if I was easy.
He wanted my supply
I would ignore these messages and respond very dryly whenever he did text me at decent hours. For the most part, he persistently texted me between 12–3 a.m. to no avail.
This only lasted about a week because it did not take long for Ty to go in for the kill. One night Ty explicitly texted me at 2 a.m.
This is what he said:
It’s a beautiful night out here. Perfect weather for making love. Come outside.
I couldn’t even believe what I was reading.
Not only did it come out of nowhere but there was also literally no reason for him to send this to me.
We weren’t flirting or in the talking stages. There was nothing between us and no reason for this type of gesture to ever be warranted.
But at least the mask was off.
…
The tables turned on Ty
I waited until later that morning to reply
Not only out of respect for myself but because I was literally so shocked by what had just happened.
When I finally replied, I texted him something along the lines of,
As deeply disrespected as I feel by you right now, I’m not even going to touch on how out of line this was. What I will do is wish you the best. Have a good one.
And blocked his number.
Ty and I usually ran into each other on the go so the next two times I saw Ty in the streets after that he couldn’t (and wouldn’t) look me in the eye and seemed sheepish and avoidant.
We never spoke again and ironically I haven’t seen him since. I have, however, seen his girlfriend. Several times. And my heart goes out to her and what she may or may not know.
Knowing what I know, I’ve realized that anyone who was discarded by a narcissist has nothing to worry about.
Any new supply they are with is nothing to be jealous of because the dynamic between a narcissist and their supply is a lose/lose situation.
Why?
Because truthfully —
They literally lose all respect for you the moment you show them that you love them.
Especially the overt narcissist because for them, it’s all about the chase. They’re only in it for the conquer.
They do not love you.
They don’t love anyone.
…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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