Let us first debunk a myth and clear some misconceptions. You won’t be attractive to all women. Some women in this world will just not like or get attracted to you.
More accurately, some of the women you meet will not be interested in you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. Rejection is inevitable.
I don’t care who you are; I bet some women will not give a damn about what you think makes you attractive. The sooner you come to terms with this fact, the better.
There are variables to the attraction dynamic that you cannot control. By working on the variables that you can control and influence, you will be maximizing the number of women who will be interested in and attracted to you.
It is a game of numbers to some extent. And what you need to work on is maximizing the number of women who will be interested in you.
Let us start with the presupposition that no woman is interested in you. If you have or had no woman at all who is interested in you intimately/romantically, something is wrong with you.
Before you click away, if something is wrong with the world, then you are doomed and you cannot do anything. But if something is wrong with you, you can do something about it and fix it.
Do not take it as an insult or a judgment. It is just a sign you need to work and fix something to get different results. Take responsibility for doing that.
Once you work on that and make yourself desirable, you won’t become attractive to every woman you meet. What will happen is that the number of women who are interested in you will increase.
Some will be hands down into you and want you to do a minimum effort to initiate and move things forward. And some will require more effort from you to get them attracted, which is where you need some sort of “game”. And some will always be disinterested in you no matter what.
You can have the 3 women in front of you at the same time in the same room. And you are the same guy, so it is what it is.
Dispense with the idea that you will attract any woman you find attractive. Do not focus on the third type of women and pay attention to the first two types (especially the first one).
The most vague piece of advice, even though it works
The more you work on yourself and become desirable, the more women like these you meet. Now, working on yourself is a vague piece of advice. What, exactly, do you need to work on?
Well, that is a lot, especially if your rejection rate is high. There is the emotional and mental part, which is huge. Your looks and financial status are other important areas.
But one of the best (and often the quickest) things you can work on is finding (and positioning yourself in) the right place. What does that mean?
Ok, hear me out. The next sentence is long but important, so read it closely.
Depending on your age, interests, lifestyle, future goals, skills, personality, temperament, and even background, there are certain types of women who will naturally click with you and find you attractive (provided that you position yourself correctly). And depending on all of these factors (and more), certain women will just not click with you.
Think about it from the other side. Depending on these factors, you might find some women uninteresting or incompatible with you.
It does not necessarily or always mean something is wrong with them or you. Your job is to surround yourself with the right types of women who will be interested in you.
Let us have an example to explain this idea
A single mom over 35 who works two jobs and likes to spend her free time reading, at quiet cafes, or with her pets might not seem very attractive to you if you are 21 years old, unemployed, and want to spend most of your time partying with teenage girls, traveling, and exploring the world.
And chances are, she won’t find you attractive either. If she met you at a bar, she won’t be that comfortable and you will probably overlook her as your mind (or d*ck) is searching for other types of women.
Depending on how well you handle yourself, how you dress, how confident you are, and how socially skilled you are, that 18-year-old blonde who happened to want an adventure and spend her time exploring the world might find you attractive.
Similarly, that single mom will probably be attracted to the 38 divorced father who she meets at a book club and be impressed by his articulation, his intelligence, and just the way he holds himself. He is probably the one who runs the book club.
He also might be interested in her, especially since they share a similar experience of a failed marriage for similar reasons that trace back to their childhood. And oh, the chances of those two people meeting each other in a bar or on a dancing floor are quite low.
Win-win for the four individuals!
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The 18-year-old blonde, similarly, will probably not find our well-read dude very interesting, to begin with, if she meets him in a club as he will look like an outsider.
And neither will he find her that interesting if she attends one of the book clubs where they discuss Shakespeare, where the only thing she ever shook before was her ass. There are women in that book club who will appeal to him more than her, even if a part of him is lusty and wants to be with an 18-year-old.
But come on, how is he going to introduce her to his 12-year-old girl as her stepmom? There is enough friction to make him simply find other older, mature ladies more attractive.
This should give you an idea of how important it is to find the right place (and to position yourself correctly). It will not only increase your chances of finding women who are attracted to you (and you to them), but it will also increase your chances of finding women you are compatible with, which is essential for long-term relationships.
Finding that place is simple. It is about being authentic. What do you enjoy? What do you believe in? What are you good at? What are your future goals? And most importantly, what do you value?
Do you value honesty? Work ethics and the desire to improve? Intelligence? Beauty? Answering those questions will probably lead to more questions.
That is good. Answer as many questions as possible. You will gain more understanding of who you are and what you value and enjoy.
Once you answer them, stop thinking about women and start thinking about how you can put yourself in an environment where those things exist.
Where can you express yourself more authentically, be satisfied with who you are because you are doing something you consider meaningful, enjoy your time, and live your life according to your own values?
Your answer to this question does not have to be perfect. You don’t have to find a place that gives you 100% of that. You can even come up with a list of places.
You can change those places as you wish. Do not overthink it, but always use your values as your compass. Consider creating those places if you can’t find any. Experiment. Be curious and brave.
Eventually, you will find a place (or places) where you can be and exist authentically — places that align with who you are, your values, and your skills.
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Final Note
This article was written for men. It is easier for women to find sexual, intimate partners than men, even in places they don’t really fit well. But for men, it is not that simple.
That being said, the same concept can apply for women to some extent. Stop looking for the right men in the wrong places. I realize that context matters, and that women’s dating lives have their own complications, which I emphasize with. But it never hurts to consider looking in the right places.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Mubariz Mehdizadeh on Unsplash