In this age of hangouts and hookups, swiping right or left, ghosting, benching, and a vast pool of online dating choices, is anyone still looking for marriage or long-term committed relationships?
While there are many who would rather be casual than committed, I believe most people are ultimately yearning for a deep loving connection. If you’re a man who wants that type of relationship, you might want a window into what qualities relationship-oriented women are looking for in a man.
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The Top 10 Qualities Women Seek in a Man
#1. He’s emotionally stable.
The guy she’s looking for doesn’t have drastic mood swings. He doesn’t unpredictably blow hot and cold. He is steady and shows up in goods times and in a crisis. He has her back, and she feels safe with him.
#2. He can communicate honestly and openly.
He tells the truth about who he is and what he wants in a relationship. He’s willing to talk things out, especially when there’s a disagreement.
He can admit when he’s wrong, and let a woman know that he’s hurt without shaming or blaming.
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He can admit when he’s wrong, and let a woman know that he’s hurt without shaming or blaming. He doesn’t get defensive, criticize, or walk away when times are tough. He is willing to talk, even when the stakes are high, because he values the relationship.
#3. He’s fiscally responsible.
She wants to be with someone who can manage his finances. Contrary to popular belief, a mature woman is not looking for a sugar daddy. He doesn’t have to be wealthy, but he does have to manage his money. That means he has financially planned for his present and his future. He doesn’t have big debt that he’s not paying down. He doesn’t spend beyond his means.
She also wants to be with a man who is generous with how he spends his money. He gives to charities. And he doesn’t cheap out on gifts, especially for the woman he loves.
#4. He’s a good listener.
She wants a man who is present when he’s with her. He’s not checking his phone or watching football. When they’re together, he focuses on her. He listens, and he doesn’t offer to help or fix unless she asks.
#5. He’s respectful.
How do I define respect? If she’s on a gluten-free diet, he calls the restaurant ahead of time to make sure she can eat there. He doesn’t make fun of her weight, height, wrinkles, the color of her hair, or the way she talks. He respects her opinion, even when he disagrees.
#6. He’s affectionate.
Women want a relationship where the attraction is strong. That doesn’t mean the chemistry is a 10 on the first date. They are more interested in being with a guy with whom the connection is so strong, it grows and grows. He loves to touch and be touched, and he’s a great kisser.
#7. He’s kind and considerate.
He is kind to her, and he is also kind to people in all walks of life; the wait staff, the garage attendant, the store clerk. How he treats people of service says so much about his integrity.
How he treats people of service says so much about his integrity.
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He shows her that he cares with small acts of kindness, like doing the dishes after dinner, taking out the garbage, or changing the oil in her car. It’s the little things in a relationship that add up to big love.
#8. He’s fun to be with.
She’s attracted to a man with joie de vivre, a zest for life. He’s fun to be with, whether they’re out together or just hanging out at home. They enjoy each others company, and they laugh easily together.
#9. He’s a lifelong learner.
He’s open to and seeks continued growth. He’s curious, always reading, learning, and/or taking classes online or offline. He’s interested in many things, and that makes him more interesting.
#10. He’s confident and humble.
Confidence is usually the number one quality people are seeking in a partner. Someone who’s confident is sexy. But what is confidence? It’s about knowing your values and standards for how you want to be treated. It’s about liking yourself and who you’ve become at this stage in your life. And it’s about walking away from the things and people in your life that drain you.
Confidence is attractive, arrogance is not. So be confident AND humble. Know your worth, but don’t brag about your accomplishments. Don’t dominate the conversation with me, me, me! The balance of confidence with a healthy dose of humility—now that’s super sexy!
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I can imagine that many men are reading this and thinking, “That’s a ridiculous list. There are no men who have all ten of those traits. These women are dreaming. Get real!” Or, “And what about the women who want a man like this? Come on, do they have these traits, too?”
While a man might not have every single trait on this list, there really are men who have most if not all of these qualities. And they’re willing to work on themselves if they don’t.
For example, if he’s not a great communicator, he’s willing to work on that skill. If he’s not great at managing his money, he’s willing to seek help.
And yes, the women who want men with these qualities are seeking that man, because they have these qualities. They work hard to continuously improve themselves. They are living a life of integrity and inspiration, and they want to be with men who inspire them, too.
And no, women don’t expect perfection. There is no such thing. We all have flaws. That’s what makes us human and vulnerable and helps us get closer to one another.
By the way, notice that I did not list that a man must be six feet tall, be ripped, have a full head of hair, and be brilliant, rich, or witty. Those features and qualities mean nothing without integrity, honesty, shared values, and open communication. If you can also admit your shortcomings and you’re willing to accept responsibility for working on them, a wonderful woman will find you irresistible.
Your thoughts and comments are appreciated!
photo: Flickr/Vladimir Pustovit
“By the way, notice that I did not list that a man must be six feet tall, be ripped, have a full head of hair, and be brilliant, rich, or witty. ”
And yet these requirements appear almost verbatim in the vast majority of women’s online profiles. SMH.
“ #1. He’s emotionally stable.
The guy she’s looking for doesn’t have drastic mood swings. He doesn’t unpredictably blow hot and cold. He is steady and shows up in goods times and in a crisis. He has her back, and she feels safe with him.”
What?
Guys don’t need to be reassured that a woman still loves and respects him?
And whether she cares enough to take the trouble to show that to him regularly and in ways he can feel?
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/bearing-my-partners-anger-gives-me-the-possibility-of-understanding-its-real-roots-and-of-converting-it-into-something-positive-for-both-of-us-and-for-our-relationship-wcz/
#3 So that’s what they call gold digging now. He’s generous and not cheap with his girlfriend, but doesn’t have to be rich. Hmmm, wonder how he’s supposed to do that.
John,
Do you really have to be rich to be generous? I have a client whose boyfriend is generous in so many ways, and he makes much less than she does. He picks wildflowers for her, calls ahead to restaurants to make sure they have food she can eat on her Macrobiotic diet.
To me, that is the definition of generosity.
Three things…. First, study after study after study CONSISTENTLY show that what women SAY they want in a man is very different than what they ACTUALLY want in a man. That is the men many women date (and even marry) are actually very different than the men whom they say they want to date. Just saying. Second, “……there are a select group of smart, successful, conscious women for whom my list of traits is far more important.” Again Sandy, research clearly shows that it is this group of women that are in fact the MOST likely to seek high status… Read more »
one word…BOOYAH! i could not have said this better. I have women friends who say ” he really knows how to treat a woman” then I realise the prementioned ‘he’ drove over to pick her up in a BMW, wore a 2000$ suit, took her to a fancy restaurant that I couldnt afford to enter let alone order. Now money is the only difference between him and me. IT always does come down to money with women. ” I want a successful man”. Successful what? lawyer, doctor or…successful sweeper, cleaner, garbage man? Women are excellent manipulators. They manipulate with their… Read more »
“I will not date below my financial status, only above.”” money is important to me. he has to tret me like a queen” this from lawyers, doctors, nurses…” Again, the research is overwhelming and clear: women tend to date, generally speaking, men who are on their social status or higher. Men simply do not engage in this behavior. I am not passing judgment on the behavior. It is what social scientist are observing and finding. It is especially true for well educated professional women. That’s why it is not unusual for a male physician to be married to say a… Read more »
Jules, It may surprise you but I don’t have a college degree.
No…I am not surprised.
What I do know is that you have excellent conversation and writing skills.
Yes, Jules, you’re so right that this is half the story. To use a sports metaphor, Sandy has compiled a great list of things that women find important in the play-offs. The other half of the story is the regular season, where men compete based on height, looks and social influence. Only men who meet those standards qualify for further consideration on these 10 qualities.
Jules, isn’t it true for both the genders that they will often date or sleep with people who are very different from who they end up with? Men have that whole lady in public, sexual dynamite in bed thing. But actually, the studies I have seen say that women will date short term or sleep with men with a lot of testosterone but when it comes to settling down, women will pick men with less prominent jaw lines, kinder eyes and who show good signs of being a good father. The studies I see support the exact opposite of what… Read more »
Erin, “But actually, the studies I have seen say that women will date short term or sleep with men with a lot of testosterone but when it comes to settling down, women will pick men with less prominent jaw lines, kinder eyes and who show good signs of being a good father. ” That’s kind of what I said, “They will have sex with lower status men or even date them short term.” So, yes..This is precisely what the studies do show. Usually, these men possess very few of the traits listed above by Sandy. When it comes to long… Read more »
Jules, I suspect you are as tired as hearing women telling you what you want or don’t want in a woman as I am in hearing men tell me what I do or don’t want in a man. Yet, we both have our beliefs about what the other gender is looking for. I do think there are women who want men as Sandy described. But there is no way I can convince you of that. So we are basically at a stalemate here.
Erin,
I love what you said. So much truth in dating for hookups and short term benefits (hot sex, sizzling chemistry?), and dating for the long-term, for deep connection, for partnership. That’s when values and needs are the main focus. And of course, attraction is important, but it grows with the right foundation of a strong partnership.
Sandy,
Do you realize how self-serving this statement sounds?
Precisely,
Here is what this same author stated in her article from last week,
“Don’t get me wrong—sex is important in a relationship. It is the glue that keeps a relationship alive and exciting. I’m definitely not denying the importance of sex.”
See,
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/1-mistake-men-make-kills-success-women-sdywr/
So, if you are a guy who is a candidate for a short term fling, you can have all the hot sex you want with a woman like Sandy I suppose. But, God forbid you bring up sex if she is in search of a long term term partner…Go figure.
Yes, its an attempt to have complete control over the progression of the entire relationship regardless of what the other person needs at the time. Many people don’t have the luxury of having flings when they want flings or deep relationships when they want deep relationships. I guess there isn’t anything that could be really be done about this but it would be nice to get some acknowledgment of this fact.
“complete control over the progression of the entire relationship regardless of what the other person needs at the time”? Where in my article did I mention control? My goal is to help people value themselves in all relationships. That means we understand that we don’t have to date with blinders on, we don’t have to accept emotional or verbal abuse, and we don’t have to accept crumbs of attention from a partner. When you know what character traits you want in a mate, you can date with clarity and focus. You can set clear boundaries for how you want to… Read more »
Sandy,
The thing is, that I think Jules is referring to, is your last article here https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/1-mistake-men-make-kills-success-women-sdywr/
where to me you seemed to laud the concept of “dating and see where it goes”.
And that is (still in my opinion) pretty much the opposite to dating with clarity and focus.
Your presumption that some men are good for hot sex and sizzzling chemistry while others are good for a deep love connection assumes that different men have different roles and the woman gets to assign them. Maybe, the hot sex guy feels like he is being used as a living sex toy just like many women feel they get used. Maybe the deep love connection man needs NSA sex and a fling even though he might not be fling material for a variety of reasons.
Esq, Yes, this is EXACTLY what many women do. But, you will not get them to admit as much. Why? Because, it flies in the face of all the feminist rhetoric about about valuing people as human being as oppose to sex objects. In and of itself, I do not find it terribly objectionable. My problem with this type of behavior is that it devalues one man’e sexuality vs the other. The man who enters into the long term relationship with a woman is rarely ever going to experience the sex that this same women provide for men whom she… Read more »
“I guess there isn’t anything that could be really be done about this but it would be nice to get some acknowledgment of this fact.” You can do a lot about it Esq. Empower yourself! I tell men to do this all the time. Instead of ceding all control to the woman and allowing her to control the relationship, you can do the same. Set clear expectations and boundaries that work for you. Stick to them. Too many men, largely through social conditioning, feel they must “go along to get along.” It simply is not true. Why look at the… Read more »
Thanks Sandy!
I would like to know the demographics of the women you surveyed. Age, education level, profession, race, etc..
Some, if not all of what you listed is also subjective.
What about values? My son has a hell of a time because of his values. Women expect, because of the way he looks, that he should be willing to hop into bed.
Like I said, the demographics may clear some of this up.
I thought you didn’t believe that education was a factor in such circumstances Tom? At least you didn’t seem to when it came to making choices about the president.
Unlike you, I didn’t equate “uneducated” as stupid in this case.
#4 reminds me of this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
The sourcing for this list? And the overwhelming tendencies and behaviour indicate that height (6-o+), money (make significantly more than her), power and fame are pre-requisites i.e. the cost to even show up to be throw against these 10 measuring sticks.
Boris,
I polled about 700 women and curated their answers. That’s how I got this list. And while you may believe that many women want a man who’s tall and rich, there are a select group of smart, successful, conscious women for whom my list of traits is far more important.
There are also many men who are looking for drop dead gorgeous (preferably blonde) women with a size D cup. If I thought that all men were looking for that stereotype, I’d be narrow minded, wouldn’t I? And I wouldn’t respect and honor men—which is far from the truth.
Nearly all of my friends played basketball, all of them are over 6-0, my best friend is 6-8 before he puts on cowboy boots. Women / girls are stupid dumb for height. Even girls that are 5 f*cking nothing want to date a guy over six foot. This has been beat to death over on PoF for years in their forums. Go read them – it is a much bigger sampling and way more candid admisdion on what women will and wont do for height, money, power and or fame. And if men look at it long enough, the only… Read more »
Amen.
Boris, OK..I hear what you are saying….Yes, I truly believe there is far more truth to what you are saying than what most women are willing to admit. It’s like when women say penis size does not matter but the best selling dildo is larger than the average penis. Height matters and so does the size of a man’s cock. So, let’s get that out of the way. I digress. My question to you is this one: How does MGTOW solve the problem? You can still engage women and not feel like you have to pander to them. Instead of… Read more »