“I usually need it pretty deep,” I was telling my bodyworker, “It’s okay if it hurts.”
As he was feeling into my body, though, he said to me,
“Actually, your body needs it softer. It responds better to softness. The softer I go the more it opens.”
Tears started to well behind my eyes, but it wasn’t until after the session that I understood why.
…
Trauma survivors don’t know softness is even an option.
In order to survive, I’ve had to orient myself around toughening up. Pulling myself up by my bootstraps and figuring out a way to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
In my trauma, I learned there is nobody else I can truly rely on except myself. That it is dangerous to admit I need other people — much less admit I have any needs at all.
Us trauma survivors don’t know softness is even an option. We’ve had to take life hard, from the very beginning.
Our physical bodies learned to survive through constriction and tightness. Our hearts learned to survive through hardening. Our minds learned to survive by working really hard to figure out all the right answers.
When I heard my body needed it soft, it brought me back to the very beginning — to something I used to know in my innocence, before my trauma. I do need it soft. I do want it soft. I always have.
I just…didn’t even know orienting myself toward softness was an option.
I had completely forgotten.
A big part of the emotion blooming in my body on that massage table was about feeling the grief of having to live a life of such hardness and toughness when I’ve really been needing it soft this whole time.
…
Trauma survivors don’t know they are worthy of softness.
The other emotion I felt was unworthiness.
Am I even worthy of softness?
Is softness something that I, Jordin James, am even allowed to request?
What happens if I request softness and don’t get it?
Is that going to be further confirmation that I was never worthy of softness in the first place?
Is the reason why life has given it to me so hard is because I am not worthy of softness?
As my heart asked these questions, the emotion pushed through my defenses with a few silent tears.
Not only had my trauma caused me to forget about my need for softness, but it also had me believing that I wasn’t actually worthy of it.
…
Softness isn’t cool.
Since the society we live in values masculine qualities more than feminine ones, softness is deemed far less impressive than toughness.
How many of us have been made wrong for our softness? Told that the best answer is to simply try harder and get tougher skin.
As if enduring our trauma wasn’t enough, we’ve also had to endure a society that values our defense mechanisms and makes us wrong for having needs.
One of my biggest survival mechanisms is being impressive. So this comment about how I’ve actually been needing it softer this whole time caused a part of me to think, “I know, but I’m afraid I won’t survive if I admit that.”
…
Healing happens when you have the audacity to treat yourself better than you’ve ever been treated before.
I used to think I had to resolve all my feelings of unworthiness before I could show up as my true self in the outer world. When really, all I need to do is have the audacity to show up as if I am already worthy.
If I am now aware that I need it softer, the only thing I have to do is behave in a way that makes it clear to those around me that that’s what I need — regardless of if I feel worthy of it or not.
Don’t get me wrong — it is absolutely terrifying to request softness from people. I feel like I am too much. I feel like surely I will be abandoned and criticized or politely withdrawn from.
But you know what has been happening more often than not?
People show up softer for me. They thank me for making my needs clear. Because it isn’t fun for other people when it is clear I am needing something but I am trying to pretend I don’t.
Maybe my requests for softness will be too much for some people. But for the right people, they won’t be. For the right people, me being clear about how soft I need it will be a refreshing gift.
No matter how other people react to my need for softness, I now have the resolve to give that to myself. Because after a lifetime of taking it hard, behaving in a way that allows more softness into my life is the least I can do for myself.
Some relationships might fall away, but I know in time that owning my needs instead of pretending I don’t have them is only going to bring the kinds of people into my life that are deeply nourishing and fun.
…
Do you need it softer, but aren’t sure where to start?
There’s a future reality where you aren’t worried about sabotaging your relationships with your trauma patterns anymore. It just requires your persistent courage and competent support.
I am a coach that specializes in helping trauma survivors feel safe and happy in relationships again.
Click here to schedule a vibe check call with me and let’s talk.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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