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I get so exhausted with all the triggers that I have.
How my hypervigilance center is always turned on to the maximum it seems.
Not much escapes my senses. I notice the subtle changes in someone’s breathing and can almost get full accuracy on what the emotion is that they are feeling in these shifts. I take in every little micro expression and movement and quickly dissect it to make sure that things are still okay, and I am safe.
There are so many things that has just become whom I am because of past trauma and even the events of current times that retrigger the trauma of years ago.
However, every now and again, I get something that comes flying in from seemingly left field at the most random moment and has me scratching my head and then suddenly thinking or saying, “Ohhhhhh…. that’s why I react or have these feelings or sensations come up like that.”
Today I want to share something that popped up for me around why I react and have the feelings that I do around an intimate matter so that you can grasp a bit more on how trauma impacts our lives, worlds and relationships even years or decades after the traumatic events or people are gone.
To start though let me share that in the last few months I have been attending co-parenting therapy sessions with my ex, the father to two of my children. Which has been deeply stirring to me as I have worked so hard over the years to establish as close to no contact as I can have with this man and to set strong boundaries with him, all in place so that my trauma trigger level is as low as I can get it, so that my world in all ways is not impacted negatively by him and the trauma energy. However, some events with our children have induced this weekly meeting with a therapist to work through some challenges and I find myself working on my emotional and mental muscle as well as energetic muscle to just make it through the forty-minute appointment.
Or should we call it trigger happy appointment?
Reality is there is not a soul on the planet that would be happy about sitting weekly with someone who was physically, sexually, emotionally and mentally abusive and simply what would be considered in the spiritual world an energy vampire who lives for disruption and control.
But here I am and choosing to look at it as a revealing moment in my life timeline.
It’s important to know this tid bit, because I believe that what was revealed to me while driving home one day from dropping my children off at school a few weeks ago has everything to do with this weekly meeting and the triggers that are rising up for me. You see triggers alert us to things, they are like smoke detectors going off and telling us that something is not appearing to be right, granted often if we have experienced trauma, then our alarms are hyper sensitive and can get things wrong, but the other side is that they bring to the forefront things for us to become more aware of and to provide us an opportunity to find courage and hope, but also honor our whole beings.
Ready to hear how this all plays a role in my intimate life?
Well, in my partner and my relationship we tend to be playful, we toss out playful conversations that can heat things up like so many couples do and of course a pretty popular fantasy for men is to enjoy two women being together. It’s a classic male fantasy I would say that’s as old as time.
So, this is the playful intimate conversation, except every time it gets brought up, even though it’s not even a real desire to be pushed on, I find myself feeling anxious, angry, not good enough, broken, fearful, and shut down. All I want to do in these moments is walk away and any sexual energy I had leaves my being. My heart locks up and I go aloof and distant. I go into flight mode.
I’ve been trying to figure this out for four years now.
Why do I have these feelings and reactions?
You see, in my previous serious relationship with my ex that I am now in these co-parenting meetings with, we had an open relationship, and I explored many things, including other women and my partner with me and another woman. However, it was never my suggestion or desire, it was always him pushing for it and I had convinced myself that my pleasure was in his pleasure, and this was compersion at its finest.
Back to my drive home from dropping kids off at school one morning, aka the random moment a trigger speaks its truth to you.
On this particular morning my son was having a challenging start and we had gotten into a spat about him not wanting to go to school. I found myself on the phone with his father, trying to get a united front on the importance of him going or what the repercussions would need to be. The car was silent this morning, where typically we would be chatting it up, making plans, and singing songs.
I get them dropped off and head back home, when all of a sudden at a light, an awareness rises up in me. All those times of what I thought was compersion and love back there, me giving what I did not want for or enjoy, me saying yes when I was a F-CK NO! I felt and reacted the exact same way that I was in the here and now with this playful, not serious conversation with my current partner.
OMFG!
Without awareness, I had been walking around, trying to be playful, trying to push myself to expand and grow past the trauma and the events of my history, thinking that I could handle it and get better around it, when in truth, the trigger was happening, and my response was that of the same as to when it actually had happened.
You see, the brain and the body response to triggers does not account for the present moment being something different. If you have the trigger, then the brain and the body react as though it’s happening right now. I had been allowing this to happen on repeat and lodge the trauma in all the more with every little playful conversation which was shutting my physical body down to pleasure in general, numbing me out, had me hyper-reactive, anxious and bitter.
Now, my challenge and mission were to speak my truth to my partner and not let my programed beliefs get in the way that he would want to leave me, would get furious and hurt me, or would shun me until I caved in.
I had to tell him my eureka moment around this.
I needed to honor myself, my healing and thus our love and relationship.
And so, I did.
And he fully understood, and we had a good deeply intimate and vulnerable conversation on it and guess what all of my fears and negative beliefs around it never happened.
Instead, he embraced me with love and compassion, support and respect.
Does that mean that the trigger is solved?
That this segment of my personal healing is done?
That I am all better around this subject and able to pick up and just go forth?
The answer to all of these questions is, NO.
It means that him and I are now both aware to the trigger.
That because he loves me, he is considerate to this trigger and this playful conversation is not more important to him than me.
It means that I spoke up for myself in all the faith that I could muster, and that I respected and honored myself, which can do more for our healing than almost anything.
It means that what was and had been creating a barrier in our relationship, was now in the light and had become an intimacy tool that would bond us more.
I’m choosing to share this with you, because this is how triggers work and impact all areas of our lives when left in the shadows.
Often, I am working with couples and singles and they wonder why they feel and react a certain way, they can’t figure it out and yet the reactions and feelings are familiar to them in some way. It’s all because most often they are triggers that are unrecognized.
So, how do you get to a space of seeing the trigger for what it is, processing through it, loving and honoring yourself through it and speaking your truth to whomever that needs to hear it?
That comes with time, self- acceptance, a ton of detective work on the self, presence in the body, heart and mind, as well as the energy around us, and release work.
You must be dedicated to your healing at all cost. You must be highly self-motivated to stay with yourself through these triggers and life experiences. You have to want to thrive and know that you deserve your best life.
And you have to be willing to walk away from bad situations and unsupportive people if you need to.
Our trauma triggers, weigh us down, shut us down, numb us out and keep us in a state of fight, flight or fawn. This keeps us from accessing positive experiences at the level that we desire and should be experiencing. It holds us back from manifesting our dreams and goals. It keeps us trapped in an anger loop, and a loop of pain and suffering, repeating that which we do not want for.
Today, I hope that my personal story awakens you to the shadow lads of your little and big traumas and the triggers they have on you, plus gives you hope that you too can awaken and honor yourself and heal.
Let me know your thoughts on this share here in the comments.
And as always loving you from here,
Are you just surviving? Are you hiding from your truth?
Are you deeply hurt, scared and lost?
𝕋𝕙𝕖 𝕓𝕠𝕕𝕪 𝕙𝕠𝕝𝕕𝕤 𝕞𝕖𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕪 𝕚𝕟 𝕚𝕥𝕤 𝕔𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕤. 𝕐𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕠𝕣𝕘𝕒𝕟𝕤, 𝕛𝕠𝕚𝕟𝕥𝕤 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕞𝕦𝕤𝕔𝕝𝕖𝕤 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕒𝕚𝕟 𝕖𝕞𝕠𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕒𝕝 𝕞𝕖𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕪.
Doing the mental/psychological work is vitally important however it does not release you from the bondage of your trauma. This can only be fully accomplished through physical release and restoration. Louise Hay studied this at great length and taught on the emotional connection to disease, ancient Chinese medicine studied the connection of the mind/body/emotional houses as well. Today science is proving that we are woven together and that by attempting to compartmentalize our very being into sections that we do not achieve the healing and transformation that we desire for any length of time because of this separation.
If you are tired of not having the lasting results in your self-growth and healing that you so badly want for and wonder why, look no further!
Local DFW Followers, Join me for an insightful healing workshop April 27th in Dallas where you can gain a wealth of knowledge and skills on how you can learn to release trauma from your body in my 27 Fears Trauma Release Workshop! https://fb.me/e/1xH6NWNUp
Local or Worldwide Friends!
Reach out to me today for your exploratory consult for my Step Into the Light SBL Integration Series or my Two-Day Trauma Release where you will once and for all release the past traumas, restore vitality and health and have a fresh clarity on who you are and what your future can be + set in motion the life and all that you have been holding yourself back from.
#traumacoach #traumarelease #traumainformed #traumaresponse #lawofattraction #triggered #triggers #manifestationcoach #manifesting #manifestyourdreams #obstacles #narcissisticabuserecovery #narcissistic
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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