Hi, and welcome to Fatherhood! Please come inside and let me take you on a tour of my stains. I know, they just grow mold so fast that it’s tough to really keep track!
Here, in my living room, you’ll notice the brown spots in the carpet. Honestly, I don’t know what they are. Yes, I’ve tried cleaning them.
I even hired professionals once but they had to leave after they started crying. I like to think that these stains came from late-night feedings when I watched Star Trek with my newborn. So best guess, it’s probably spit-up.
The stains have a mind of their own, don’t they? I mean, I get it all cleaned up and it looks fine but then you turn around for a minute and there they are! This reminds me of when my daughter was so small I could almost fit her in one hand.
The couch is stain-free, but only because it’s new. Don’t worry, we are working very hard to make new stains. In fact, that little daughter is now a teenager and I’m sure she’ll eat a Pop Tart on it as we plan for her future and I try to pretend that it’s not coming. I like pastry stains as they often smell of fruit.
In my kitchen, there are lots of stains if you know where to look. They are not on the counters. That would be too easy.
Look at the walls. I’ve painted them about fifty times but the spaghetti stains just keep fighting through. I know, I shouldn’t have let the kids help with dinner but we were having so much fun. Did you know you can spell your name in spaghetti? I did that with my middle son when he was five. It’s how we worked on his letters for school. Things got a little out of hand but how else are you supposed to celebrate when he gets the T crossed? I say throwing spaghetti works just fine.
In the dining room, we have an entire genre of stains. On the baseboard is a blue frosting stain from my youngest’s first birthday party. Using a fork was more of a hobby at that point in time.
And the pink stain is from my daughter’s second birthday party. If you look close enough, just a bit above them, you’ll see my middles son’s third birthday party stains. In fact, all these stains have to do with birthday parties. Don’t you think it’s weird how those stains mean the most to us?
In the toy room, it gets a little gristly. My son really hurt himself in here when he was four. He was jumping around and cut his foot on a scooter that for some reason was laying around.
I freaked out. My heart leaped into my chest. We had to go to the ER, and he was so scared. I kept trying to tell him that it was going to be ok, and I think he believed me even though I was more afraid than he was. It’s a disconcerting thing seeing your kid hurt and you can’t make it better. Anyway, that stain came out pretty quickly so you really can’t see it.
I can though. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to unsee it.
As we walk up the stairs to continue the tour, take a minute to appreciate more pastry stains. It’s a theme with us.
In my daughter’s room, the first thing you’ll notice is the giant blue paint stain in the corner. That occurred when I was trying to surprise her by painting her room while she was in school. Third grade is a tough time for little ones so I thought it would make her happy.
The dog ran in while I was on the ladder though and freaked out. He knocked me over and the paint came tumbling down. I got it on my new shoes. I should really replace the carpet in here, but at the same time, I really like that color. I’ve painted the walls since that time, so it’s just a nice reminder of my little girl when she was still a little girl.
In my son’s room, there aren’t too many stains. Which isn’t that surprising as he mostly hangs out with me. He likes to just hang out and ask me a million questions. I suppose that doesn’t leave a lot of time for stain making.
Now, my youngest son’s room has some really good stains. There’s finger-paints over by the window, marker stains on his mattress for some reason, and stickers on his door. Oh, I know that stickers aren’t stains but I remember the day so vividly because we laughed so much that I haven’t gotten around to cleaning them yet.
As we head back downstairs, I want to take the time to say thank you for touring my collection of stains. I usually have some on my clothes if you care to look as we pass through the living room. Applesauce, dirt, but more likely glitter glue. My daughter still likes me to join her occasionally for some craft time.
I truly hope you enjoyed the tour of my stains. We have a motto in this house. If you’re not getting dirty, you’re not doing it right.
And believe me, Fatherhood is very dirty.
Go out and make some stains of your own.
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