Is the man saying “My body has a child in it?” I think not.
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Jezebel posted an article back in 2014 titled Mila Kunis is Right: Dudes need to stop saying “We’re pregnant.” The issue popped up again recently on the Good Men Project writers group. In her piece, Jezebel’s Tracy Moore got right down to snark schooling the “glommy” men who talk this way.
Milo Kunis, in a much more light handed turn, had this to say in her appearance on Jimmy Kimmel. I think its pretty darn funny.
But apparently there is a more serious underlying issue, the gist of which is that men who say “We’re pregnant” risk treading on the issue of bodily autonomy for women. That in saying “We’re pregnant,” a man co-opts his partner’s singular experience of pregnancy and birth. This binary holds men as inevitably prone to knowingly or unknowingly co-opting women’s autonomy. If I have that wrong, I’m confident someone will set me straight.
But the concern I have about this whole dynamic is much broader. So let me carry on.
First and foremost:
- Pregnant women face the possibility of the death, either for themselves and/or their babies.
- Pregnant women also face the possibility of a lifetime of catastrophic health challenges as a result of giving birth.
WOMEN FACE THE RISKS OF PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH UP TO AND INCLUDING THE LOSS OF THEIR LIVES. NOT MEN.
Men will never fully understand pregnancy because they will never experience it. We know this. The changes that being pregnant and giving birth can create in a woman’s life are likely immeasurable. The scale of the event spans generations. It touches the divine. We all know this. We really do.
So. Why is this universal awareness not understood to be part of the statement, “We’re pregnant.” Because we have lost our ability to parse subtexts? Probably not. Because we assume men think and behave in certain ways? Ah…
Let’s review.
When a man says “We’re pregnant,” is the man saying “My body has a child in it?” I think not.
When when a man says “We’re pregnant,” is he saying “My wife and I are equally at risk in this process?” I think not.
When when a man says “We’re pregnant,” is he saying “Look at me! I’m the center of attention because my wife is having a baby!” He’d better not be. Because if he’s taking that approach, the world’s about to fix his little red humility wagon.
So what does he mean when a man says, “We’re pregnant?”
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How about this for starters? When a father-to-be says “We’re pregnant,” he’s very likely using language his pregnant partner wants him to use. This is likely something they like to say TOGETHER.
And there you have it, the conceptual firewall for my article: If a pregnant woman encourages her partner (man or woman) to say, “We’re pregnant” then I need to suggest this:
Arguing against a man saying “We’re pregnant” is, by extension, silencing the woman he has most likely adopted this language in partnership with. The fact is, he may well be delivering her message. In doing so, he is also pushing back against toxic masculinity which, by the way, doesn’t tend to declare itself pregnant.
I mean seriously, what percentage of expectant fathers are out they saying “We’re pregnant” in opposition to what their partner might prefer? .000001%, that’s how many.
Meanwhile, it’s pretty clear that Mila Kunis was making a point and joking about making that point. Combining truth and humor is a powerful choice. She selected no single target.
But some took Kunis’ message and turned it into a binary; that is, an artificial division of the issue into a simplified declaration of right and wrong. Why does this constantly happen? Because creating binaries has become knee jerk and habitual for all of us.
Binaries are inherently dangerous, because they lack the flexibility we need to parse events or actions from multiple vantage points. They ignore context and they assume intentions. They are conceptually isolating. They reduce our options for ways to engage and they foster animosity.
Male privilege is a real thing. But holding male privilege as our singular lead frame, puts men in a double bind when expressing empathy. Men are damned if we don’t express empathy and damned if we do, because apparently there are nine ways from Sunday to express empathy incorrectly.
Any expression, if viewed through the lens of a binary mindset can be interpreted as wanting. Based exclusively on male privilege, Martin Luther King or Ghandi can be picked to pieces.
Men have plenty of their own binaries. We parse women’s self expression for the tiniest hint of what is inevitably framed as being anti-men, as if any expression of a woman’s right to autonomy comes at a cost to our collective manhood. Some men actually have the audacity to insist we have it worse in a world where globally, women are clearly at a dramatic and relentless disadvantage.
We can all do better. We can intentionally curb our binaries with some compassion and some curiosity. We can choose to stand down in the name of flexibility and plurality. We can stop being so smug.
Check your privilege? Check your binaries.
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Ideally, when a man and woman choose to say, “We’re pregnant,” what is being acknowledged by the couple, is the degree to which the relationship is now carrying a new set of risks and opportunities that will impact every single aspect of those two people’s lives.
The relative difficulty of a pregnancy, the millions of physical and emotional variables, fears, aspirations, losses and gains will ultimately grow or damage a couple’s relationship. How well things go may well depend on how deeply those two people accept that having a child is going to require the very best of them BOTH. The level of their shared commitment will directly impact the quality of their child’s life.
The phrase “we’re pregnant” is laughable in terms of physiology and crucial in terms of psychology. It speaks not only to nine months but to twenty years and a lifetime beyond.
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The phrase “We’re pregnant” is laughable in terms of physiology and crucial in terms of the psychological. It speaks not only to nine months of pregnancy and the crucible of birth, but to twenty years and a lifetime beyond.
So, when we tell men who say “We’re pregnant” that they are “co-opting the experience of birth,” we are highlighting a division. A separation of experience. We are marking who has it worse, based on a metric that no man can ever change. Ever.
How many fathers would give anything to undo the catastrophic trauma that impact some women during birth? How many men would do anything to make the journey more equal? How many would give their lives to bring back mothers who have died in childbirth? Children lost?
A prospective birth is not a semantic battleground where we rush in to police language based on our binary agendas. Such behavior is self centered at a time when a couple is most in need of our collective support.
If we give a damn about women and babies, perhaps we should think about framing positive assumptions about the men who say “We’re pregnant.” Because there are plenty of them we could choose to adopt.
Men KNOW they won’t ever fully grasp the experience of being pregnant. Men KNOW they will never understand the pain of birthing a child. When a man says “We’re pregnant” he’s not saying “I understand this.”
He’s actually saying something very different. He’s saying “I will always keep trying to understand this.”
It’s a commitment for life. And it means something real. And any couple who chooses that language should have our blessing.
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Photo By: Daniel Lobo
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Read this, then the Jezebel article. Left with more questions than answers.
If the woman who is indeed pregnant says, “We’re pregnant”, is that also a faux pas?
What if the husband says it with his wife present?
What if the wife says it with her husband present?
Is it just wildly inappropriate for a gay couple to use the expression while referring to their surrogate?
Good questions. The better question is who gets to decide.
The person speaking gets to decide, everyone else can pound sand 😉
LOL, I didn’t even know people were upset with the use of the term “we’re pregnant.” Wow … my wife always saw it as endearing.
When you think about it, dads-to-be do have skin in the game. Perhaps not as much as the guy running the play but certainly within the team. As a dad-to-be and husband, I too am looking at the potential of losing my wife and child. This in no way minimized what the women is potentially dealing with.