I’ve been openly polyamorous since mid-2020 (though I could sense I was poly since high school).
Usually, I have 3–4 ethically non-monogamous partners at a time. But since none of my previous partners really “vibed” with each other — they all had very different personalities — I never bothered to get them together.
I was happy enough dating them individually, and they felt the same. As the old song goes:
“Tell me how two people find each other in a world that’s full of strangers; You’ve got to believe in magic.”
How much more magic will you need for three (or four, or five) people to “vibe” and be attracted to each other?
Then my partner of three years, D — , started going out with J — .
I first met J — at a party. She was easy to spot with her slim, tall figure that towered above most people (including me), and we exchanged contacts but never managed to schedule a date. Her classes and part-time barista work never seemed to agree with my calendar.
Eventually, D — , a first-year law student with a more flexible schedule, found J — through my Instagram and they ended up dating instead.
J — wasn’t openly poly. But she was open to trying, she said.
That was the case with D — too, actually. When D — and I first met on Bumble, I told her I was polyamorous and monogamy wasn’t for me. D — replied that she wasn’t sure if she was poly. And she figured that she only subscribed to monogamy because everyone else was doing it, even though many of these “monogamists” were serial cheaters. Not that one can’t cheat in polyamorous setups.
Anyway, months later, J — and I met at a cafe by chance, one morning, and we decided to have a date that night. But J — and D — met beforehand, and since they were together by the time I met them, we all decided to have a beer at a nearby pub.
We talked all night, vibing, transferring to D’s apartment to talk more and drink less, and the rest is throuple history.
The dynamic is that of a fledgling throuple; where J — and D — are closer, and D — and I are closer, and J — and I are getting to know each other more over a very slow pace.
So far, we three have come to a point where we’re comfortable enough to be together without doing much. We no longer need to do something new or thrilling to enjoy each other’s company.
How does the dynamic work?
Freedom with structures of ambiguity. And honesty. That’s how it works.
Unlike mono-normative relationships, we don’t explicitly structure or label our dynamic. People often ask me:
“How do you schedule time with each other? How do you manage attention and jealousy? Isn’t it hard enough to deal with just one person in a relationship?”
A lot of folks assume we use some kind of complex rubric that handles our attention/time/compersion as a throuple. But nope.
I would even go so far as to say that, aside from having three people involved, we function pretty much like every other normal, non-toxic, not-super-PDA couple.
In fact, I don’t know for sure if our throuple functions the way throuples are “supposed” to function. I’m only using the term “throuple” because each of us is dating each other. And we threesome all night.
We only have one constant: Be honest with everything.
- You had sex with someone outside of the throuple? Say so. And be honest about your level of protection so everyone knows what to do.
- You didn’t actually come? Don’t fake it. Let your partner learn your buttons. Tell me what you actually like.
- You feel underappreciated or need assurance? Say it. This is a safe space. There is no need for passive-aggressiveness or double meanings (unless we’re exchanging snarky, sarcastic jokes).
The beauty of being in an ethically non-monogamous setup is that there are no real incentives to being dishonest. So what would you be dishonest for? At least, that’s how I see it.
Mono-normative lines like:
“They’re just a friend”
or
“I was busy at work”
Has no real purpose in our dynamic.
One can honestly say things like, “I have a date on that weekend so I’m not available. How about another day?” Or “That person looks really hot! I want to fuck them!”
The “forbidden fruit” concept likely factors in too. Since many “taboo” things in monogamous setups are not “banned” in our relationship — We find ourselves rarely doing them. And the result is that we focus on each other more.
For example, outside of my throuple, I’m presently dating only one other person, C — .
Since C — is a straight, “e-girl,” indoorsy type of woman, her personality and attraction-type are a major contrast to J — and D — ; who are loud and proud, partially-extroverted, glitter-eyed, unicorn-rainbow-colored bisexuals.
J — is only dating D — and I. While D — is dating a friend of mine. And though C — is not explicitly monogamous, she’s not dating anyone else other than me (Of course, she knows J — and D — ; even if we don’t have foursomes).
Bottomline: Despite our sexual and romantic freedom, we find ourselves not going around fucking everything that moves. Instead, we focus more on being in the moment during our “us time.”
I think honest and genuine monogamous people can achieve the same level of trust and non-toxicness.
It’s just that ethical non-monogamy removes many of the “taboos” that tend to make people in monogamous relationships feel “trapped” or “hitched”; which leads them to do unethical things.
But again, relationships depend on the people involved — not the structure defining them.
Navigating conflict
D — has anxious attachment, while J — shows tendencies for being avoidant. Me? Well. I’m the healthy one. Though that’s probably just my ego speaking.
Anyway, the point is that whenever we experience conflict or negative emotions, we always try to go back to the idea that whatever the other person says only comes from two places: A place of genuineness (remember the honesty policy I mentioned). Or a place of weakness.
- A place of genuineness: “Does that dress make you look fat? Yes, it does. You’re still very pretty though. We just need to avoid flowy dresses that don’t hug the waist since they don’t go well with your big boobs. J — ; You’re the fledgling fashion influencer here. Help me out would you?”
- A place of weakness: “I’m sorry I snapped at you, J — . I’m grumpy right now because I don’t feel very confident. We’re at a party and everyone looks good and you’re wearing heels — and you look great! — But you’re already taller than me without them! We look funny in the photos!”
This assures us that no one is doing or saying anything out of malice. We care about each other and we know that. So if there are misunderstandings — that’s what they all are. Misunderstandings.
Which can be corrected with honesty. And being self-aware enough to recognize that certain negative emotions often come from one’s insecurity.
The focus is on the self, not the relationship
I’ve been in a 5-year monogamous relationship. And various mono relationships that didn’t last a year. I’ve also been single — like, haven’t been laid for a year, single.
So far, the healthiest relationship I’ve had is the dynamic I’m experiencing now.
Perhaps that’s the beauty of truly healthy relationships. When there are no templates or expectations, we can put our focus more on ourselves: Our dreams, our goals, our preferences in food, experiences, sex. Us.
By focusing growth on ourselves as individuals, instead of trying to grow the relationship itself, we make the relationship healthier. And it grows organically as a result.
…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Deon Black on Unsplash