A friend and I recently discussed friendship and love. They said they weren’t always clear about what love entailed.
I’m on the autistic spectrum so I understood. It’s taken me years to figure relationships out. It was easier for me to relate to children and animals than other adults as the emotional landscape was more direct and vivid.
In talking to my friend, I explained two things that helped me.
Actions, not words
The first — ignore what people say. Watch what they do.
I used this tactic when I moved to a new place and tried to find a church.
Some pastors and congregations are great at talking. They are like salespeople. If you stay quiet and watch, however, the truth will come out.
Some congregations are truly motivated by love, not power. They want to meet the needs of their neighbors, whether or not they attend that particular church. They don’t try to lord it over others who are less “righteous”. They accept that all of us are flawed instead of enforcing legalistic codes that demand perfection. All types of people will be welcome in their church — regardless of race, gender identity, or income.
Looking at actions, not words, is not just helpful in choosing a church. It’s also useful in choosing friends and lovers. Someone who really loves you will show it by actions, not just say the words.
This is expressed in James 2:15–16:
Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?
Four types of love
The other thing that helped me was reading C.S. Lewis’ book The Four Loves. Just like the Eskimos have many words for snow, the ancient Greeks had multiple words for philosophical concepts such as love. Reading this book helped me to understand love better.
Storgē, (Greek: στοργή): Familial love
Lewis thinks this is the most natural type of love. Children and parents naturally feel this for each other. The feeling can also encompass familiar surroundings, pets, favorite toys, and foods.
The object of love does not need to be “worthy”. The child of a murderer will still love their parent. A child does not care if it’s pet is a pure breed or not. That does not factor into their feelings.
Eros (Greek: ἔρως): Romantic love
Glorified in songs, movies, and books, this type of love is based on attraction and a desire for merger.
Lewis distinguishes lust from true romantic love. According to him, lust desires a woman. Romantic love focuses on one particular woman.
With lust, sex is the main factor. With romantic love, deep admiration and respect as well as physical attraction are components.
Medieval love stories often describe the unrequited romantic attachment a knight will have for his lady, who, being married to his lord, is unobtainable. The poet Petrarch loved Laura in this way, as an ideal he could never have.
Romantic love is described in the Bible in the Song of Solomon and in the courtship of Jacob for Rachel.
The 19th century love story between the poet Elizabeth Barrett and Robert Browning was based on romantic love.
He so admired her work that he started to write to her. They maintained a correspondence for months before they met. They wanted to marry but Elizabeth’s father forbade it.
For over a year, they exchanged love letters until, finally, they eloped and moved to Italy. One of her sonnets has the famous line:
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
She died in his arms 15 years after they married.
Philia (Greek: φιλία): Love between friends
This is friendship love. It is forged by common values, interests, and activities. Deep friendships can create bonds greater than those between family members.
A group of soldiers becoming a “band of brothers” exemplifies this.
The Bible showcases several examples of this type of love.
There is the friendship between David and Jonathan which is described in the book of Samuel. The two friends give unstintingly to each other of love and loyalty. When Saul, Jonathan’s father, wants to kill David, Jonathan protects his friend.
The book of Ruth showcases the friendship between the widow Naomi and her daughter-in-law, Ruth, who has also been widowed.
In Ruth 1:16, Ruth tells Naomi:
Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.
Unlike romantic love or familial love, the love between friends has no evolutionary advantage. It is not necessary for the continuation of the species. Yet it can be one of the deepest types of love. According to Lewis, the ancient Greeks saw this type of love as the most fully human.
Agápē (Greek: ἀγάπη): Unconditional, charitable, or Godly love
This is the type of selfless love that God has for His children and that Christians consider an ideal. Lewis considers it the greatest of the four loves.
The Bible describes this type of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV):
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
Personal reflections on love
The way I explained these types of love to my friend — with familial love, it gives you a feeling of happiness when you play with your child, eat a bowl of soup your mother made for you, hug your dog or pet your cat, or sit in your favorite chair. It’s warm and comforting.
Romantic love may eventually become warm and comforting, but it starts with passion. Two people focus on each other and often lose track of anything else.
With friendship love, you and your friend walk side by side. You are both focused on the same things. While your primary focus is not the other person, you walk close enough to offer aid and support when needed. Over time, you learn more about each other and the friendship deepens.
With unconditional love — you love your neighbor as yourself. You may not be friends with that person, you may not even like him or her, but this love is not based on emotions or common interests or familiarity. It is based on treating the other person the way God wants you to treat them.
When you don’t feel the emotions of love for your neighbor, by your actions you can express the love that God wants you to.
This makes agape love the most deliberate type of love as it is not based on your own emotions but on your intent. In your desire to please God and to obey His will, you consciously act with love.
I am fighting stage IV cancer. If you can help with medical bills, I would really appreciate it. Or if you enjoy my writing and would like to buy me a cup of coffee, that’s great too. Maybe someday I can return the favor.
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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara’s blog.
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