KEY POINTS
- So much of our lives is motivated by the desire to alleviate suffering.
- Fundamental suffering—the suffering that exists in all things—comes from three overlapping experiences.
- Suffering presents an opportunity to better understand our pain.
For most of our lives, we believe that the causes of suffering are outside of ourselves. To us, bad circumstances = suffering. Starting from the time we are young, this is how it appears to be. A friend calls us a mean name and causes our suffering. We fail to get the job we want, which causes our suffering. We recognize the toxicity of an important relationship and believe this person has caused our suffering. Indeed, this is how I experienced suffering for the majority of my life—that is, until I became aware of fundamental suffering, or the roots of our pain.
What Is Fundamental Suffering?
When we take a closer look at our suffering, we can begin to see that the true causes of our suffering are not within the experience itself. Rather, suffering originates within us.
This is not to discount our perspective that others have hurt us. Indeed, there are many situations where removing ourselves from the harmful behavior of others is the right action. It is only to say that our experience of suffering is coming from our own mind (or ego). But if we explore even deeper than that, we can see that fundamental suffering—or the suffering that exists in all things—is really coming from three primary, overlapping experiences (e.g., Ingram, 2018).
Aversion or Unsatisfactoriness
We experience aversion constantly: I don’t want this outcome. I don’t want this experience. I don’t want this emotion. Aversion touches even the most minute actions, thoughts, or sensations. My hands are slightly too cold. I should have used this word instead of that word. I’m just so tired of thinking. All of this is aversion, and it is one of the roots of suffering.
Example: I’m in the most beautiful place watching a beautiful sunset, and I get bit by a mosquito. Aversion focuses on the mosquito bite.
Attachment or Wanting
Attachment is just the opposite: I want this outcome. I want this object. I want this experience. I need a bit more money to be happy. If she would just listen to me, I’d feel like I matter. If he only understood me, we’d get along. We are attached to what we perceive to be good because we think it will produce happiness. But when we watch our experiences carefully, we see that these things don’t actually produce happiness.
Example: I’m joyfully singing along to a song, and my husband asks me to quiet down so he can hear the TV. I burst into tears. I witness the joy disintegrate into nothing, and I want it back.
Self-Concept or Identity
The self-concept overlaps with the other two kinds of suffering, but it’s helpful to notice it in its own right: I am this. I am that. If I tell myself that I am a nice person, I’d feel valid. If I believe that I am a soul, I’d feel less lonely. If I do what everyone wants me to do, I’d feel approved of. But no matter how we conceive of ourselves, we can never find the love or wholeness we’re seeking because love doesn’t live in concepts. We suffer as we try to mold the self into something that would get the love it seeks.
Example: My editor tells me my article is really good. My self-concept immediately claims it: “I’m a good writer.” I don’t realize I’ve identified with it until later, when my editor tells me my article needs improvement. I suffer because this threatens the self-concept I have of being a “good writer.”
When We See Suffering as It Is
When mindfulness reveals fundamental suffering as it is, we might feel depressed, lonely, empty, or unmotivated. So much of our lives is motivated by the desire to alleviate suffering. When we are no longer trying to avoid aversion, seek attachment, and create a self-concept, we might have a hard time figuring out what to do with our time.
Luckily, if we keep at it, the truth of suffering becomes more apparent, and eventually, it starts to become transparent. According to Sayadaw (2016), our continual noticing or mindfulness reveals the truth of suffering. It’s almost like suffering is a monster under our bed. If we just turn the lights on and look, we see that it was all in our heads—just a figment of our imagination. And now, instead of seeing the monster, we see what was behind the monster: love. Life—when experienced without aversion, without attachment, and without self-inflation—seems an awful lot like love.
So if you’re still trapped in suffering—whether at the experience level or the fundamental level—try to remember that suffering presents an opportunity to better understand your pain. And if you may even discover a deeper love that lies behind it.
A similar post appears on The Berkeley Well-Being Institute website.
References
Sayadaw, M. (2016). Manual of Insight. Simon and Schuster.
Ingram, Daniel. (2018). Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha: An Unusually Hardcore Dharma Book – Revised and Expanded Edition. Aeon Books.
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This post was previously published on Psychology Today and is republished on Medium.
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