The other day I had a wonderful conversation with a friend. We were discussing — what is friendship? And what is love?
Because many people, particularly those who grew up in traumatic situations, may not be sure what love actually is, and what a friendship is.
Generational Trauma
Even people who grow up in functional families experience some dysfunction or trauma. It’s the nature of the beast — people are hurting, so they hurt others. This includes parents and other relatives.
It’s not that the parents don’t love their children. But if they were abused as children, then they may not know any way to express their feelings that do not cause pain.
For example, some people associate love with possession. Others associate it with drama. These people might “test” their loved ones by doing something to see what kind of response they get.
If their partner responds respectfully, then the tester might feel disappointed because they associate love with actions that I consider emotionally abusive.
It’s not just partnerships
This kind of thing manifests itself in all types of relationships — we bring our emotional baggage with us to school, to work, to social groups, and to family reunions. This is why the holidays are often stressful. This is why so many people turn to alcohol or drugs.
There are emotional wounds that people struggle with and various substances are numbing agents. Or people try to cauterize their wounds, which can also be destructive.
One thing that I think is helpful — if you are someone who has gone through childhood trauma and you no longer know how love feels — stop focusing on the feelings. Focus on the actions.
Every time you are unsure if your partner loves you — ask yourself what their actions tell you. If you are unsure if you love them — look at how you act towards them.
Are the actions consistent with love?
What is love?
I am on the autism spectrum, and sometimes I have had a hard time figuring out how to express and receive love. The following passage has helped me:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres: I Corinthians 13:4–7
For people who find the Bible triggering, there are other sources. Some non-religious people read works like the Bible, the Bhagavad Gita, etc., simply as philosophy or literature. But there are plenty of other resources such as the works of ancient Greek, Roman, Persian, Chinese, etc. thinkers.
The thing is — figuring out what love entails has been a question that people have pondered for ages and possible answers have been given. Why reinvent the wheel?
When I ask myself if I love someone or if they love me — I examine their actions in the context of what the passage I cited says.
Respect is Foundational
The other thing that has helped me — in any and all relationships, I consider respect to be the foundation. If we cannot mutually respect each other, then there is no point.
This holds true for any type of relationship — with pets, with friends, with employers and employees, with relatives, with one’s partner, and even in a political sense.
One reason that many people are disgruntled with their government is the lack of perceived respect, in my opinion.
Once that foundation of respect is established, then one can proceed to deeper levels of connection if both parties want that.
Speaking of Greek philosophers…
I was originally going to delve into ancient Greek insights on love, but don’t want this article to get too long. So I plan to get another article written later today or tomorrow exploring these concepts.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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