Have you ever been called “needy”? I know a lot of men who have.
This article is bound to tick off those who believe “it shouldn’t be like that”.
Sorry…but for scads of married men it is like that.
The cold, hard truth is millions of “openly vulnerable husbands” (OVH) face the anger, disgust and withdrawal of their wives every day. Even in our age “conscious men and women”, the year 2017 has brought more questions than answers to the modern marriage and the husbands I help.
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Shouldn’t This Be a Two-Way Street?
The typical email complaint I get from husbands sounds like this:
My wife and I are really having trouble and her anger seems to be driving it. She has been calling me needy and hates me talking about my feelings and our relationship. She pulls away when I try to get closer to her and she has been super disconnected. She says she feels smothered by me and my feelings.
I thought we were supposed to show vulnerability to women. I thought we were supposed to be open with them and also accept their vulnerability. But she doesn’t share anything with me. Shouldn’t this be a two-way street?
Answer: No. It’s not a two-way street. You will need to let go of what is “supposed to be” and choose to deal with what “is”. Your expectation that it should be a two-way street will only create more cold and more distance. Wouldn’t it be nice if being vulnerable with your wife was easy? Sure, it would. But as are most things in committed relationships it’s a lot more complicated than you would like.
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The Two-Way Street Myth about Vulnerability
Men and women are perfectly equal – but we’re not the same. If sameness is your desire, you will need to come back in another life and give it another shot.
“I don’t mind him being vulnerable as long as he has a handle on how he is going to fix the problem.”
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“Sameness” is not going to evolve in your lifetime so “them’s the cards you’re dealt”.
You can choose to play or fold.
The two-way street vulnerability myth has a few misconceptions which can leave the OVH quite confused.
1. Men and women should and must display equal amounts of vulnerability in order to create true intimacy, love and sexual desire.
Expecting to achieve equal amounts of anything is a recipe for disaster. It’s easy to manage equity for domestic stuff like housework and bills. But intimacy, love and desire are not subject to the rules of domestic equality. Trying to manipulate equal effort and equal vulnerability is a set up for conflict and disappointment. Pursuing her to join you at a level of vulnerability you desire will cause her to distance herself from you. (see Pursuer/Distancer on GMP)
2. All women want a man who is willing to show his sensitivity, fears and tears for her to feel closeness, trust and sexual attraction.
Even the research by vulnerability expert Brene Brown confirms the current social conditioning of women can cause them to be disappointed and disgusted (her words) by male vulnerability. Check out her famous video. Many wives perceive their husband’s fear and uncertainty as weakness and it can scare them, piss them off and turn them off. An informal poll of any 25 honest wives will confirm this. One woman explained it to me like this, “I don’t mind him being vulnerable as long as he has a handle on how he is going to fix the problem.”
3. It’s selfish, unfair, immature and un-evolved for a woman to be turned off by an OVH. She should be the safest place to vent his emotions.
Judging what feels attractive to her is a waste of your time. It’s not a conscious choice for her. It’s simply a programmed reaction. It’s no more selfish, unfair, immature and un-evolved than your reaction to a woman you find extremely unappealing (insert your image here). You could try to rationalize with her that she should be the best, safest place for you to emotionally vomit anytime you feel like it. Or you could try to debate the science of attraction with her to find a resolution. Good luck with that.
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Can You be Both Masculine and Vulnerable at the Same Time?
Of course, you can. Men have equal rights and access to their fears, tears, uncertainty, insecurity and unbridled emotional expression. And exercising those rights does not make a man less “masculine”. Masculinity always contains the full range of human emotion. That’s not remotely debatable in my book.
The question is “Can a husband reasonably expect to sustain his masculine attractiveness to his wife if his emotional vulnerability is unchecked, uncontrolled and unregulated?”
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The question is “Can a husband reasonably expect to sustain his masculine attractiveness to his wife if his emotional vulnerability is unchecked, uncontrolled and unregulated?”
In most cases, I believe the answer is no.
I know some will point out relationships where it works and is welcome and is warm and wonderful. Those may be the rare and truly evolved spiritual partnerships with fully realized mutuality in every respect.
But it takes two extremely conscious, intentional and willing partners to achieve that. Often these are second marriages. If this is you, don’t bother with the rest of this article. If this this isn’t you…keep reading.
Let’s talk more about how to look at your own vulnerability and why regulating it can be a powerful choice that you make for yourself.
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Don’t Lower Your Expectations – Just Change Them
Okay, you’re still here.
Let me help you change your expectations.
This isn’t about giving up hope for the marriage you imagined. It’s about changing the nature of your hope.
Instead of hoping for things to be different, hope that you can change the way you think and feel about sharing your vulnerability.
It’s a matter of personal growth. It’s a choice to learn how to create a new environment for your partner.
This happened for me first with horses. Learning it with women came after my divorce. (I’ll tell you that story later sometime)
In my time training horses I learned an incredible life lesson. I started out sucking with horses because I wanted them to fit into my expectations for rational behavior. To me they were acting stupid, irrational and scared for no good reason. They also scared me a little. This why many people believe horses are generally stupid, irrational and scared animals.
But they’re not…and neither is your wife.
Horses are just programmed differently which required me to learn, understand and honor their programming. Then I had to learn a different language which was totally non-verbal. Then I had to develop patience and perseverance like never before. Then I started getting really good. Horses loved me. They trusted me and talked to me. I finally figured out the invisible communication required to “whisper” to horses. It became natural, easy and enjoyable for me. Nothing felt like a struggle anymore.
My lesson was that I was totally capable of changing my expectations, my perspective and my energy to achieve the results I wanted. I could regulate my energy and my actions according to the expectations I had of myself and still stay true to who I wanted to be.
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I’m suggesting you can stop hoping your wife will change and start changing your approach- on your terms – because you want to learn how to create a new dynamic. This will require new insight, more self-awareness and better self-control. This is how you will create an environment more conducive to trust and connection.
Choosing to own your stuff impacts your whole life – especially your marriage. It gives you a sense of emotional strength and leadership maybe for the first time ever.
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This is a transformation you can surely realize within your lifetime – more likely in about a six months or less.
Choosing to own your stuff impacts your whole life – especially your marriage. It gives you a sense of emotional strength and leadership maybe for the first time ever.
You no longer feel like you’re walking on emotional eggshells. And you feel new confidence in your role of leading your own emotional energy.
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What Do You Do Now?
By now you can choose to believe me or not.
You can believe that women are negatively affected by your unregulated emotions or not.
You can believe that you are able to develop control over your expectations, perspective and emotions or not.
I’m offering this perspective for you to consider as a way out of the hot mess that may be pushing her further away.
You may be thinking I’ve forgotten the big question:
“Hey, what do I do when I need to emotionally vomit dammit?! Don’t I deserve to share my fears, tears, insecurities with anyone?”
Of course you do.
I’ve come to firmly believe the best place for this is with other men. Through my own personal development with men, the men I coach, my men’s meetup and my private men’s forum I have seen miracles happen.
Your wife and marriage provide you tremendous rewards, challenges and growth opportunities. You will drastically accelerate your learning, confidence and growth by bringing other men into that process.
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These are initiated men who have chosen to accept the realities in front of them and take action to become stronger, clearer and more confident than any other time in their life. They are operating their life in accordance with their own rules – nobody else’s. They have chosen to accept the love and support of other men who not only can handle their fears, tears and insecurities – they want to.
Your wife and marriage provide you tremendous rewards, challenges and growth opportunities. You will drastically accelerate your learning, confidence and growth by bringing other men into that process.
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I help men conquer the crap that is keeping them from feeling free and powerful in their lives and marriages. I wrote a free ebook for married men called “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage”. It’s more about saving yourself first. Download a copy HERE.
Photo: Talha Islam/Flickr
Noah Brand wrote an article here some 3 years ago that sums it up
“Men has to be needed, because we can’t be wanted”.
Flyingkal
Do you really think Noah get married to a women that does not “want ” him?
Here is what told us a few days ago
“Nevertheless, I’m planning to get married in March. I find myself deeply happy about that, about the notion of agreeing to extend the best romance of my life indefinitely. ”
i hope they will be happy and want each other for the rest of their life and thereafter as well.
Might it be that women are not as good at displaying “want” in a long term relationship as men have been culturally trained to? For Most men “feeling desired” in a LTR is a bit rare, instead we make due with being needed. Never able to relax or get off that treadmill……Because current culture shows us a only valued for what we do…..almost never for simply who we are.
Hi Trey1963 “Might it be that women are not as good at displaying “want” in a long term relationship as men have been culturally trained to?” I think the reason why nobody responds to your question is that this issue is so complicated. But I think you are right . Men can talk about their sexual needs and see it as a need of their body …. How often do you hear a woman say sex is a bodily need for her and she has a right to have her needs met? In addition to this ,marriage creates a certain… Read more »
Iben, I don’t know what Noah would think about his 3-year-old article today, or what he thinks about getting married (how could I possibly?). Oxytocin makes us do strange things, but eventually the infatuation wears off. But of course I wish them all the possible happiness as well. But if I may ask, what qualities could a man possess, that would make You want him for the rest of your life? An appetite for life and discovery? The pursuit of happiness, beyond electronic messageboards and cable TV? An eagerness to educate about and share the beauty of nature, without conforming… Read more »
Flyingkal ” An appetite for life and discovery? The pursuit of happiness, beyond electronic messageboards and cable TV? An eagerness to educate about and share the beauty of nature, without conforming or destroying it? A quest for mutual satisfaction and fulfilling of desires?” All these are fine qualities in a person. But what makes us love one another for life is far more complicated. Helen Fisher the anthropologist gives Ted task where she says we wonders if we look for persons with brains similar to our own. I find that a fascinating idea .. Your list does not include relationship… Read more »
Iben,
What does sex have to do with it?
And since I never claimed the list to be complete or all-inclusive, I could add that I wouldn’t expect perfection from my partner while providing nothing myself.
Flyingkal
“What does sex have to do with it?”
Honestly Flyingkal I am surprised you think sex is not an important part of a life long love relationship between a man and a woman.
I have several option:
*Live alone.
*Live with friends.
*Live with a man that is both a friend but also a sexual partner.
I thought your question about wanting a man was “wanting” him in
my life as a man and more than one of several friends.
I misunderstood you.
Iben,
With the pieces of descriptions you have given of your ex-husband and the marriage you was in, I have kind of concluded that a strong libido isn’t enough to build a strong, lasting relatiosnship. So I was curious to know what more than sex you were looking for.
I apologize if I offended you.
Flying
“Iben,
With the pieces of descriptions you have given of your ex-husband and the marriage you was in, I have kind of concluded that a strong libido isn’t enough to build a strong, lasting relatiosnship. So I was curious to know what more than sex you were looking for.”
I HAVE NO WORD .
If you think I ( and most women ) define sex as being high libido then I can assure you that you are totally wrong .
Where is Jules ?
I need help …
Here’s the link, sorry.
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/brand-men-must-be-needed-because-we-cant-be-wanted/
Flyingkal
Here is the link.
https://goodmenproject.com/marriage-2/a-straight-mans-gratitude-for-gay-marriage-bbab/
Yes, Iben. Thank you, I know and I’ve read it.
But aren’t you the least bit curious to know how his perspective has changed in 3 years, and how the older article stands up to the new one?
Steve I am pretty sure you have already watched this video by Esther Perel. But listen once more to what she says about desire in long term relationships … Around 5-7 minutes into her Ted Talk. I do not repeat all of what she says,as it is better to listen Esther . “There is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody ..there is no CARETAKING in desire…….care taking is a mighty anti aphrodisiacs ………I have yet to see somebody that is turned on by somebody that needs them. http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship#t-462223 You article Steve brings up a complicated issue and there is… Read more »
Typo sorry about that
….there is not just one explanation.
Hey Iben, I love Esther and agree with her point. She’s talking about desire without strings or conditions. This is a key point in my coaching process – to understand the source of neediness and the fear behind it. I agree, it’s hard to feel natural attraction and desire if we feel our partner requires our love and desire to feel whole – that they feel inadequate without our love. That kind of relationship can last for a while, but eventually attraction wanes when we feel our partner’s desire for us is conditional or has secret agendas behind it.
“There is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody ..there is no CARETAKING in desire…….care taking is a mighty anti aphrodisiacs ………I have yet to see somebody that is turned on by somebody that needs them.”
There’s no neediness in desire, as long as the desire is mutual.
But I’d say that an unmet desire is in fact very needy, and as you say, at the same time one of the strongest anti-aphrodisiacs there is…
Hi Flyingkal I am curious to what Steve say about it. “There is no neediness in desire. Nobody needs anybody ..there is no CARETAKING in desire…….care taking is a mighty anti aphrodisiacs ………I have yet to see somebody that is turned on by somebody that needs them.” There’s no neediness in desire, as long as the desire is mutual. But I’d say that an unmet desire is in fact very needy, and as you say, at the same time one of the strongest anti-aphrodisiacs there is…” I am not sure you and Esther Perel talk about exactly the same .… Read more »
Hi Iben,
“I am not sure you and Esther Perel talk about exactly the same . But of course not everybody agrees with Esther .”
Actually, I agree with Esther in what she says.
I just intended to take it a bit further, into the realm of what she doesn’t talk about.
And as much as I appreciate anything that Steve might have to say about this, I am also curious and would appreciate any thoughts that you, or anyone else, would have about this?
I call bullshit. If a woman actually does care about you, she will want to help you and hear you and comfort you. Women who gaslight men by calling them “needy” aren’t women that deserve the love of a man. The marriage IS a two-way street. If you’re 100% self assured in every way for the sake of not appearing needy, then why even get married? Why sign your entire life away to a woman who will call you needy when you’re bidding for comfort and solace? It’s toxic and stupid. We are all needy to a degree. We all… Read more »
So please explain why this is not seen as a systematic privilege for women? And if it is, then what can be done culturally to dismantle it?
Hey Trey,
Yeah, it might seem awfully convenient for some women to dismiss a man’s emotions/fears…but privilege? I don’t know. Doesn’t seem like a trait women actually want or enjoy – like I said – it’s part of the societal programming – it’s not evil or intentional.
The best thing a man can do is decide the cultural dismantling starts with himself and how he chooses to show up every single day – no apology and no fear for being the man he wants to be. We do it one man and one day at a time.
“Doesn’t seem like a trait women actually want or enjoy – like I said – it’s part of the societal programming – it’s not evil or intentional.”
Like most men’s relationship to their gender privilege? Not asked for or worked for just part of the societal programming that we all live with?
Hey Trey, I see your point, but again, I don’t see it as a “gender privilege” thing. It’s simply a current reality over which men have no control and shouldn’t waste their time trying to control. The control is in themselves and in how they choose to adapt in each situation according to their OWN values. An apples to apples comparison to some women’s “programmed” fear of male vulnerability might be some men’s “programmed” fear of relationship commitment. If women want to deal effectively with that reality they must understand the source of that fear and choose to behave accordingly… Read more »
I made the huge mistake of assuming that someone I was with wanted to know every emotion I was dealing with, and I was dealing with a lot from a freshly failed marriage. She wasn’t wired to handle a lot of emotional stuff, and I didn’t find out until too late! I got labeled as needy, when I was looking in the wrong place for support and validation from her. I suppose it’s a good idea to ask who you’re with how they feel about male vulnerability if it’s a new relationship. I’ve also been lucky to find a couple… Read more »
Hi Steve,
So the next time a woman, with whom I may or may not be physically or emotionally intimate, asks me to share with her, that she wants to know what is bothering me or pulling me down, I will simply tell her
“No, really, you don’t”
Strange as it may sound, I really look forward to that… 🙂
“I’ve come to firmly believe the best place for this is with other men. ” Yeah great. You have your group, but out here in the wild where the rest of us live, we aren’t allowed to share our vulnerability with other men either. The punishment and shaming that comes from that is too risky because it’s so costly. As Brenè said in her famous talk, “The number one rule for men, Don’t be a pussy!” Both men and women demand that men adhere to that rule, and if you can’t, you deserve all the shame that society heaps upon… Read more »
Hey Hawley, you’re breaking my heart man because I know exactly where that’s coming from. I’ve been there. I can tell you that there are millions of initiated men out there who have said “This is bullshit, I’m going to speak my truth and bare my soul. And f*ck anybody whose got a problem with that.” That’s your next step brother…stop giving a f*ck about the perceived control that “society” and women have over you. It’ll liberate you and make you the badass man you’re supposed to be. Promise! Email me if you want to know how to find your… Read more »
Then do it with a woman. And stop caring what she thinks too.
Hi Steve
This is a fine article.
It really made me think.
This is a complicated issue !
(Unfortunately the link to Brenee Brown only send us to her website but not that particular video.)
Hi Iben, yes, complicated indeed. Here’s the link to Brene’s TED talk – The Power of Vulnerability. https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
Thanks for your comment.