That voice inside constantly chatters. No, it doesn’t say, “Hey Jon, you’re awesome!” Or “Way to go, Jon!” Hell, no. That voice says, “Man, I suck.” “How can you be so stupid!” It’s so unkind, so hurtful.
Over the years, in my own trials and tribulations, I’ve discovered that when I fear inside and hear that voice, “Jon, you’re no good!” “You’re weak!”, I choose to listen to those who stand beside me, who have my back. I listen to my late Mom who said, “I’m proud of you.” I listen to the late Mizukami Sensei who acknowledged, “You’re a better teacher than me.” In the times when I don’t have my own back, I listen to those who always did, like Mom and Sensei.
Mom and Sensei were the most important human beings to me on the Planet. They’re no longer here with us on Planet Earth. Rest in Peace. Sure, I miss them sometimes. I used to love making Mom her favorite ozoni (mochi soup) for New Year’s. I smiled reminding her to wear her glasses. I miss having lunch after Aikido practice with Sensei on Sunday at our favorite French café in Culver City. Sensei would point his fork at me while eating his patty melt, telling me what we needed to teach in class.
Although Mom and Sensei are no longer on the Planet, they live inside me, in my heart. Always. So, in that way, I never really miss them. I am forever grateful they both raised and trained me to be the better man, the better person. They gave me life and the possibility of having a meaningful life.
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A couple of weeks ago, my work laptop crashed during some Zoom training session. My laptop went into some funky diagnostic mode and shut down. I couldn’t log back onto my computer. I had a lot of upcoming project deadlines. I got so pissed. I thought, “WTF? I’m fucked.” Then, I heard Mizukami Sensei, “Wait it out.” “Make it work.” I heard Mom, “Jonny, slow down.”
I got it. My laptop crashing had really nothing to do with me. I called my company Helpdesk. I got a ticket number for my laptop. I took my laptop into the IT office to get repaired. As it turned out, it really had nothing to do with me. For some reason, the system just failed. So, I had to get a new reimaged laptop. What was supposed to take a few days ended up being nine working days.
Sensei would say, “Wait it out. Take a glancing blow, if you have to. You’re not always going to get away scot-free.” As Cheryl Hunter would say, “Life is imperfectly perfect.”
I told my boss what happened and that I couldn’t do a lot of work, because my laptop had crashed and needed to be replaced. He got it. So, I did other work I needed to do in a classified computer room at work. Yes, on a completely different computer, not mine of course. Make it work. Mizukami Sensei 101.
When I didn’t have my own back, I dismissed that voice, “Jon, you suck.” Instead, I listened to the man who was a father to me in Mizukami Sensei, “Wait it out… Make it work… It doesn’t have to be pretty.” In listening to Sensei, I got my own back, back. Just saying.
Enduring my abusive childhood, living in constant fear of my dad when I was a young boy, I got masterful in hating on myself. Working with my therapist Lance, I distinguished the voice that said, “Jon, you’re no good,” was really my dad’s voice. Dad inherited that voice from his Dad, who abused him far worse.
When we fear, when we doubt and dismiss ourselves hearing that voice, “You’re no good,” it might not even be our own voice. It could be someone else’s. Just saying.
Remember that we’re not alone. Remember those who always stand beside you, the ones who love you unconditionally for all that you are and all that you’re not. Listen to all those you have your back. Not to the hater within. Love and forgive thine own self. Just saying.
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