On the Scorpio Full Moon I went out to a networking event at a local bar. What could go wrong?
It turned out to be only 6 of us. 5 women and 1 man.
My ears pricked up when I heard this guy was an intuitive healer and energy worker. Now he’s talking my language, I thought.
We got chatting and turns out he’d recently separated from his partner of 13 years. He talked of how he and his (now ex) wife had grown apart. Happens to the best of us.
He explained it was because she’d become overly involved in women’s empowerment, was a staunch feminist and had taken it to the extreme.
Now at this point, I could feel my blood pressure rising.
Was this man actually going to sit there and explain to me what a feminist can and cannot do? This ought to be good. I ordered another beer.
The oppressed becomes the oppressor
He went on to talk about how he’d watched his wife become unbalanced in her masculine energy and was no longer in her feminine at all.
He said it’d caused him to become unbalanced too, pandering to her dominant masculine energy by being in his feminine all the time.
He’d become unhappy, tip toeing around her, trying to keep the peace.
His story reflected back to me what I needed to see at the time. Through my silent rage and resistance, I had an epiphany…
I’d been navigating ongoing anger and frustration for years after realising I’d bought into a false narrative. This false belief was perpetuated by the media and people around me —it was that I had limited power as a woman.
It was something I’d just accepted, growing up in the 90s, with this idea that feminine meant ‘less than’.
For example (among many) it’d been normal to feel shame in the playground, hearing “You run like a girl”. Well, yes. I am a girl, running. Why is that a bad thing?
I refused to feel shame for being a woman.
Though I realise in order to combat this, I too, had become unbalanced.
I rejected being oppressed so much that my response was if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I realise now, I unconsciously became an oppressor myself.
I wore masculinity as a shield, taking on behaviours of dominance and control, in order to not have it done to me.
The inner conflict between head and heart.
My heart longed for a gentle world where we have empathy and compassion for each other. Yet my head told me this wasn’t practical. It’s not reality. Life is hard. Get real.
Go hard or go home.
Anger built up inside of me over how the patriarchy views traditionally ‘feminine’ things — like make-up, the colour pink or jobs like childcare — as ‘less than’ or weak. (Even though none of these things are gendered but that’s another whole article).
But that night in the bar, it hit me.
I’ve done that…
My internalised misogyny
I put my hand up and admit that I’ve rolled my eyes at hyper-fem outfits before or jokingly said “calm down, love” when a woman expresses strong feelings.
“I’m not like other girls”. A classic line, that subtly bigs you up to being better than others, yet simultaneously puts women down.
Oh god. I was filled with instant shame. Regret. Distaste.
I realised I held internalised misogyny.
This was a hard pill to swallow.
Me, of all people! A misogynist?!
But all I do is stand up for women and fight for equal share in this world! How can this be?
One of my biggest triggers in this society is sexism and the degradation and devaluing of people who identify as women (alongside other triggers like racism, homophobia, animal abuse, basically any kind of dominance or control).
Yet I realised in the past if I’d seen women not being ‘strong’, not taking their power back, not wanting to head up a business or lead a country — maybe they just want to have a family and bake all day — I’d seen that as a let down!
Was I expecting women to be more masculine? Was that the answer? Did I think that would somehow be better?!
For women to become more like the dominant, controlling energy I fought against so hard?
It made no sense.
A balanced future
Since this smack-in-the-face awakening, I’ve made some changes.
I want feminism to simply be about uplifting women, no matter who they are or what they aspire to.
I purposely make a point to compliment women for exactly how they are. I want them to know they don’t need to do anything to be enough. They already are.
I listen to their passions without judgement. Sometimes they are passions I don’t share, and that’s ok. But I don’t want them to ever feel wrong or shame for what they want.
I purposefully remove any shame around things like job titles, clothing or gender expression. To do this I use the power of curiosity.
Curiosity gives people their moment, a chance to feel heard, be seen. Curiosity from others makes me feel interesting and valued. This is what I want to reflect to women and femme presenting people.
That there is no shame.
That you don’t have to change who you are to be seen, heard, taken seriously or to be safe.
You get to wear what you want, sound how you do, run how you do, work where you love to, love who you love. Just be you.
Well, at least that’s what I want to see for our future.
Thanks for reading, you’re great as you are.
© Copyright, Rhiannon James, 2022.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
Escape the Act Like a Man Box | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men | Why I Don’t Want to Talk About Race | The First Myth of the Patriarchy: The Acorn on the Pillow |
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
This is all true.