On Kevin’s YouTube channel called The Royal We, he made a video that emphasized why people in abusive relationships need to take “the nature of the beast” (the seriousness of the abusive individual’s behavior) seriously.
I think there are a number of reasons why people in abusive relationships do not take the threat of escalated abusiveness seriously. First, maybe the person made an excellent first impression and that is still the feeling you keep within you even though their actions since then have changed dramatically. It can be challenging to process how the person you have experienced in such a positive light could possibly be this same person you are experiencing now. If you are kind enough or helpful enough to them perhaps they will go back to being awesome again, right? You tell yourself they just need a little something and you will figure out how to meet that need and then things will go back to how they were.
In addition, you get used to things and they don’t stand out to you in the same way anymore. The first time a certain type of bad moment happened, I was shocked to the point of numbness. But then time moved on, things were relatively “normal” by the weekend, and then when it happened again I looked forward to getting to the next “normal” moment. It is very difficult to analyze things when you are continually immersed in them and do not have the opportunity to draw back a moment and gain perspective. The isolation that is usually related to these circumstances certainly compounds the inability to grasp sufficient insight.
Furthermore, oftentimes other people in your life are also causing drama so you can only apply so much thought to each matter. You get out of the house for one compartment or two of your life (school, work, that type of thing) and other bullies pounce on you and your submissive personality and then how are you supposed to see the person close to you for who they are? You get accustomed to being abused by one person, other abusive people catch your scent, and then there is more pain coming from more directions. You are too busy surviving the current moment to have internal resources to think about what future moments may have coming for you.
Also, certain versions of Western Christianity and far worse distortions of it in smaller circles are not always beneficial in these types of circumstances. It seems like sometimes loving your enemies is emphasized to the point of enabling your enemies to do even more evil. I believe good is supposed to overcome evil with its goodness, not perpetuate evil by denying how evil it is. I think there are times when good overcomes evil not by interacting with it, but by fleeing from it. Don’t stay in an abusive relationship because you think you can change someone. Cling to good by following good away from that circumstance and out of that relationship.
Hindsight is an ongoing journey. I am grateful for people like Kevin that give very wise perspectives to topics I do not see addressed very well in public discourse. Try to utilize the freedom of reason instead of the constriction that comes with fear. You’ve got this!
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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