She thought there was potential for a relationship. Then he disappeared. Here’s what she’d like him to know.
—
Dear Houdini (my disappearing man),
Finally, a man who was not afraid to express his opinions.
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Over the past year, I went on scores of first dates with men who talked about themselves too much (do I really need to hear about your genius grandson for the third time on a first date?). Men whose idea of first date conversation is ex-wife bashing, complaining about their dire financial situation, or talking about their aches and pains throughout dinner. Um, no, thank you.
Then, I met you on an online dating site. I was immediately drawn to your passion and zest for life, your keen intelligence and creativity, your manliness, and your sexiness. I felt alive with possibility!
Finally, a man who was not afraid to express his opinions about art, music, science, and religion. You seemed to be a loving father to your five children. I was moved by how you lovingly attended to each of their needs. You enjoyed cooking, especially spicy Spanish foods from your native country—sensual and delicious. And I was impressed with your work ethic; how you moved up in your company and were saving and planning for your future.
♦◊♦
You were proud to be a MAN, openly expressing your strong masculinity and your desire for my femininity. That turned me on. Could you be the mature life partner I have been seeking since my divorce?
But soon, your sexual desire became your main focus. “Hey, sexy! There is something about you that turns me on.” Your texts, which soon became quite graphic, were starting to turn me off.
The man I’m seeking doesn’t only focus on sex, especially as he’s first getting to know me. He wants to know all of me—my passions, my values, my mind.
Sure, sex is important, but when a man focuses primarily on sex, especially before we’ve even met, I feel objectified. I told you how I felt, and you respected my wish to stop ‘sexting’ and get to know more about each other. We agreed it was important to meet and see if there was an in-person connection.
A week later, we met in a beautiful park. We sat on the grass, and talked about books, our favorite foods, and our children. We seemed to connect mind, body, and soul. I looked forward to seeing you again.
♦◊♦
And then the sexy texts started up again. At first, they were fun and flirty, but they soon became crass. Again, I told you how I felt about the aggressive sexual comments, and you listened. You promised you’d always be honest and open with me. You would always respect my feelings so no one would get hurt. I felt heard and honored. You stopped texting so much and picked up the phone. I liked hearing your voice.
And then we had our second date.
You held my hand throughout the evening. You told me you liked me. I said I liked you, too. We opened up and shared some intimate details about our lives. I felt much closer to you. We seemed to “get” each other in many ways.
We took a walk, and you pulled me into a dark corner and passionately kissed me. You expressed your desire for me to come home with you and spend the night. I told you that while I was very attracted to you, I only sleep with men if/when we’re exclusive and have shared STD test results.
Yep, not exactly a sexy conversation, but I have relationship standards. I know what I need before sleeping with a man. You said you understood. You were cool with that, and you’d call the next day.
You didn’t.
Two days later, you texted–something bland, devoid of emotion or any true connection. And then your texts became fewer and farther between. You slowly began to disappear from my life. Until poof… you were gone.
Houdini, my disappearing man, here’s what I want you to know. I’m glad I met you, and I’m also glad you’re gone. At first I was angry. How dare you lie and promise you’d be honest with your feelings so no one gets hurt? When you seemed to pull away the day after our second date, I asked if everything was okay. You lied and said, “Everything’s fine. Just busy at work.” I’m so glad you lied. Because it showed me your true character.
Thank you, Houdini, for reinforcing the importance of staying true to my values in relationships. It helps me to know if a man respects me enough to honor my needs as I would honor his.
I don’t want to be with a man who pressures me to be sexual before I’m ready. Believe me, I’m no prude, but the right man will respect my desire to build a friendship and a mature connected partnership.
Your disappearing helped me create space for the right-fit partner.
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The right man will not disappear when I don’t sleep with him on a second date, when I let him know what I need to feel ready for sex. The right man will see and respect all of me, not just the sum of my body parts. He will call when he says he will. His words and actions will match. He’ll have a solid core of integrity.
♦◊♦
So, farewell Houdini, my disappearing man. Life has a way of sending you the teachers you need over and over again until you’ve learned the lessons you need to learn
I’ve graduated from the school of men who don’t respect me. I know my value, and I’m ready for the right man, one for whom respect will be at the foundation of our relationship.
Your disappearing helped me create space for the right-fit partner to show up in my life. And I thank you for that.
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Photo: Flickr/ Emiliano
The same happened to me. Great article. Thank you for your reassurance. I’m twenty eight. I’ve met an awesome man who agreed we shall get to know each other . On the second date, he told me we shall do it all or it’s over. I agreed. How stupid of me. I wanted badly exclusive, monogamous and stable relationship. He didn’t know whether he wanted me or not but before deciding, he gave me this ultimatum. It’s over a year and I’m totally heart broken. A warning to other women.
While I totally respect women waiting and wanting more than just sex (not being used).
The same applies to women to, men don’t want to be used as free providers.
If women pay their own way in full in relationships it shows women want more as well and may avoid men who are strongly driven be sexual desire.
Equality puts people on a equal footing until they both are ready for a traditional relationship.
I hope the next guy behaves better and you find the right guy for you
Good Luck 🙂
Attraction and compatibility wasn’t as strong s you thought. We are all hope for LTR while they hope for hook up regardless what they say. If something real is there it will turn into LTR despite late or early sex.There are too many single women out there for players to focus on one or loose valuable time. Although, idea of “the one” is true…. in real life it’s rather exception then the rule. Most likely “the one” will not show up or show up wayyyy too late when time for child baring has past. Soulmates concept, which one of the… Read more »
The moral of the story is, you can wait until the second date but no longer. Otherwise, you risk losing out on many great guys and serious relationships. I’ve had multi-year relationships resulting from second date sex.
I have been through the same situation in the last two day. I feel so sad after i realize what his real intension was. It is killing a women’s hope that she might find the right mate but then again holding tight to not to sleep with him no matter how pushy he is is SUPER great achievement for me. I am so glad that i stand on my value. Well i feel anger in him after second date and he try to manipulate me by sending me the sex toys link, offer me to buy that for my well… Read more »
Great article! I think there are many of us women who prefer to take it slow and not rush into sex. Unfortunately both men and woman today are bombarded by messages from current media culture (on television, in movies, as suggested in sites like Tinder, for example) that tell us that dates aren’t ‘great’ unless they end in the bedroom by the second meeting. Sooner if the chemistry is hot. (What happened to holding hands and flirting while clothed?) I certainly agree with Sandy in being clear on your values, and what you are comfortable with. A recent first date… Read more »
I think most women have experienced this Houdini act, myself included. There was chemistry and great conversation and you make out. You’re thinking, this could be something special. He’s hoping you’ll have sex with him. But, it’s much too soon. You don’t know eachother well enough. You want a long-term monogamous relationship. You value yourself, so you want to wait and make sure he wants the same kind of relationship. You did the right thing by saying no to sex. If a man disappears from your life, then he didn’t think you were the “one” for him. It doesn’t mean… Read more »
Wow – quite a lively discussion. I too have been surprised by how quickly a guy is thinking about sex. No problem with guys considering it – I think though that women sometimes feel pressured to have sex fairly soon. The risk is that the relationship hasn’t even fully developed so there’s not a strong connection built to support it. Also just in case there is any doubt, women think about sex too. But focusing on the relationship first is a great approach. Not to mentioning honoring when a woman says no is the respectful thing to do – and… Read more »
Karen,
Very wise words about sex and how as mature adults we get to advocate for what we want and need. I share your belief that focusing on building a relationship is important if you want it to last after you have sex! And we all do have our own beliefs and needs. I asserted mine. He asserted his. And yes, we all do have the power to forgive ourselves, and what a great power that is!
Hi Sandy
I think the red flag was there from the day he started to text you , the way he did about sex and it is was only a week since you two first met online ?
.in my experience this a a huge huge huge huge red flag!
And it tells enough about the man and his values about sexuality and romantic relationships ,to know what to expect when you meet him in real life.
@Silke,
Fair enough. It would be a huge red flag if all he had texted or talked about was sex. There was also depth, warmth, intelligent conversation. And he said he was looking for a LTR. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until he showed another part of his character. I would do the same with another man. I don’t like to judge anyone harshly. People are a sum of their parts, not just one part.
I think Silke meant that he made his intentions about sex and it’s importance to him as clearly as you had made what you needed from him. I think some could say that you chose to disregard his needs just as much as he chose to disregard yours because you both hoped it would become something that you wanted. That assessment maybe somewhat harsh. Where does that leave us? If I was a dating / relationship coach, I could probably tell you. I can say this. Communication is a two way street. It’s just as important to listen. People’s communication… Read more »
Sending ‘sexts’ is not a form of clear and direction communication or ‘intention’. Talking to her like a mature adult and saying, “Sex is extremely important to me, I need to have it by the second date”, is. At which point she could say no or yes to that. However, if he is looking for sex that quick, he may be better off actually being on a website that is about sex and not a website that is about dating. Clearly his intentions where less around dating and more around sex. Guys, don’t be on a ‘dating’ website if you… Read more »
Because the average person would misconstrue sexts as someone trying to understand you as a person. Sssuuurrreee. I don’t know if he was just looking for casual sex. I know several guys who went in minute one looking for sex and tried to stick around for a relationship. In one case she ended up dumping him after a few months and he was heart broken for awhile. Usually they weren’t really that compatible, but the sex was good and it took awhile for him to realize that it wasn’t worth it. It happens. The best sex I had was with… Read more »
You said it yourself John. There is too much to ‘misconstrue’ when it comes to sexts. Clearly he was just looking for casual sex. It doesn’t matter if he wants to fall-in-love in the future. At the present time, he just wants casual sex. Hence why he ran the minute he wasn’t getting any. This isn’t hard to figure out. When a man wants to truly get to know you, sure he may want sex, you want him to want to have sex with you, but he’s going to take the time to get to know you and respect you… Read more »
@Erin,
Bam! Well said. I especially love this “Guys, don’t be on a ‘dating’ website if you just want to get your rocks off. Just like I don’t make a profile on Farmers.com and hope that I meet a lawyer instead. “
Thanks Sandy. Hope to see more of your stuff on here.
Yeah, it’s tough. In general, I find myself getting bored or frustrated if it’s not on by date #3, even if there’s a good reason. Physical affection is one of my love languages though, so if there isn’t that same feeling toward me at about the same time, we were probably never as compatible as we’d thought we were. Just like some people talk about chemistry, if the timing is that far off, other incompatibilities will probably reveal themselves down the road. It’s great that you stood firm and held out for someone on the same timeframe. I have definitely… Read more »
Thanks for your comment, Jeff. Sexual attraction and compatibility is important to me, too. That wasn’t the issue here. We were very flirty and the attraction was hot. But even though he was bright and interesting and we seemed compatible in many ways, his sole focus seemed to be sex. That’s why I felt objectified. We did fool around in the backseat of his car on the second date—kinda like in high school, which was fun and exciting. Until he tried to force sex. That’s when I pulled back and told him my relationship needs.
Great piece. He was doing a jerk check? Um, check.
@Jenny,
Thank you. And ha ha, yes. I think he wanted absolution from me. Sorry, buddy. If you act like a jerk, I believe you are indeed a jerk. No do overs.
I believe there’s a better lesson here than stuffing Houdini into a “jerk box” and casually washing our hands of him. That’s dismissive, disrespectful and unfair. I’d call a man out on that in a heartbeat if he did it to a woman. And, it’s self-sabotaging behavior. The TRUTH is that he isn’t a jerk. He’s a flawed human being like the rest of us. And I doubt he faking his nicer attributes. While I think it was the right call to cut him out of the dating pool (in accordance with your values), you can still honor the experience… Read more »
Steve, If I had stuffed him into the ‘jerk box’ like a ‘crazy bitch’, I’d have to agree with you. As a dating coach, I observe way too many women write men off for something men say or do without understanding the intent. Houdini is a self-proclaimed jerk. He was doing a ‘jerk-check’ with me, not the other way around. He never apologized for disappearing. He seemed to want absolution from feeling guilty for jerky behavior, and without an apology, I was not interested in further communication. I consider myself to be quite empathetic, and I do give people the… Read more »
“What’s called for here, I believe, is the ability to take a stand for your self-worth and walk away.” Totally agree – 100%. Absolutely. My point, as it relates to my coaching for men in the same boat, is this: HOW we take a stand and walk away is a critically important part of a man’s growth and becoming the man they want to be – no matter what others do or say. There is a high road and a low road. I believe this applies to women as well. My comment was inline with my belief that you and… Read more »
Steve,
Thanks for contributing to this conversation. i look forward to hearing what your men’s meetup group says. Whatever the outcome, these types of conversations are healthy and very much needed. Thanks for doing the good work that you’re doing.
There is too much measuring when it comes to sex. I have dated many
women. Had sex on several first dates and many second dates. Had one
relationship that lasted 4 months and no sex.
that one ended because we were not on the same page sexually.
All the others ended for other reasons than sex.
The best suggestion I can come up with is this:
Lady’s take sex out of consideration.
Consider the man. Men must also take it out of consideration also.
Until sex is not used as a qualifier, there can be no relationship
Steve
I just can not understand how you see Sandy as disrespectful.
Women eventually get tired of seeing men as small children we must understand and not expect mature behavior from .
Those days are over Steve
Silke, It’s not disrespectful to cut people out of your life when you decide they violate your values. I applaud it – support it – and celebrate it. My broader point applies to both men and women. When we choose to let someone out of our life, there is no need for name calling, blame or resentment. This is as damaging to our OWN progress and growth as it is to keep them in our life. Getting tired of annoying or immature behavior in others is not a good reason to violate your own values for moving on with grace,… Read more »
@ Silke For me it was the jerk check. He acted like a jerk and pushed her boundaries. I think that’s why Sandy should be upset. I think he thought he could convince / seduce her into having sex on his time table. Some people may confuse coercion with convincing. I think he came to his senses, but she was still interested in him and he didn’t know how to break it off gently. I think he may have been trying to be kind. Ironically this seems to be the big reason Sandy thinks he’s a jerk. The fact that… Read more »
Glad he came to his senses and broke it off. Sending sexts even after a lull when you told him how uncomfortable you were is a big tip off. He seems like the kind of guy who likes to push boundaries rather than respect them. I’d hate to think of what might have happened on date 3.
@John Gottman,
Exactly. I had no interest in a 3rd date. Respect is key. I said, “NEXT!”
If had plainly stated that he was no longer interested in interacting with you because you would not copulate with him, how would that have changed your reaction or assessment of him?
@Megalodon,
If he had said, “I’m only looking for casual sex” I would have respected his honesty. He had told me over the phone that he was a serial monogamist and wanted a long-term meaningful relationship.His actions spoke louder than his words.
The perfect story and the perfect lesson, Sandy. I love the clarity of the woman in the article. Crystal clear! Decisions are so easy from this space. I’ve coached a few women in the same spot. It’s so liberating when they finally FEEL their own value and get the clarity to stand by their values. It’s exactly THAT which will attract the right person. I also know Houdini. Not really, but most men know exactly what’s going on inside him. His vision is blurred by his need to fulfill today’s sex drive. He still has a “little boy” inside (don’t… Read more »
Steve Horsman, Thank you for your very articulate and well-thought out comment. I appreciate hearing your point of view on the “little boy” inside a man. In another context, that little boy can be attractive—if there’s a solid man as a container for him. That little boy inside can bring out the beautiful nurturing heart of a woman. What’s interesting about this Houdini (who disappeared from my life) is that he came back a few months later. He was doing a ‘jerk check’. He wanted to make sure he wasn’t a total jerk. Interesting. I asked why he disappeared, and… Read more »
Not sure I believe that story of the girlfriend returning.
“just empathize with it and not demonize ”
Interesting. Was that just there you “not demonizing it”? Because I think you and I have very different understandings of what that means.
This man is a father of FIVE!
He is not a little boy .