Why Am I Stuck in Another Sexless Relationship?

Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Yes, It has happened again.

Me? Female, late 50’s, decent shape and doing my best with regular workouts to keep it that way (my massage therapist told me I’m built like a brick *%&^house).

Stuck in an emotionally abusive marriage 20+ year marriage with no sex (or any physical relationship) for the last 8 of it, I sought out and found a friend with benefits. Lust turned to love, gave me the kick in the ass I needed to end my marriage and my new partner and I moved states and try and build a new life together.

Three years later, here I am again… stuck without sex. We went from 3-4 times a day… to once every 3 months or so, and only if I’m lucky. Why, you wonder? He claims he loves me and still desires me and swears there is no one else (which I believe, he is currently unemployed and only leaves the house to go the gym, the store or to ride his dirt bike) – but the Excuses abound… “I’m too tired”. “I ate too much at dinner and I’m still full”. I’m just not in the mood” and the old classic… “I’ve got a headache”. I also got “you’re not in the shape you used to be”… I gained 10 pounds in the 3 years since we met. And I have since dieted and lost THAT. Still No change.

I mean, he KNEW I wanted regular sex. That is why we got together initially, for God’s sake. Now, I’m realistic – I know that first “can’t keep your hands off each other ” phase is fleeting and I’m not expecting 3-4 times a day anymore – but is once or twice a week too much to ask?

Maybe there’s a physical problem, you might muse. He (mid 50’s) also promised me early on in our relationship (knowing my ex-husband was incapable and refused to do anything to remedy the problem) that if he was even unable… for any reason… he would RUN to a doctor to fix the issue. Well, you can forget about THAT – he now just says he’s sorry and I deserve better… but refuses to take any action at all. No doctor to see if there’s an issue, no trying Viagra, bluechew or anything else… just that weak apology and a vague promise to try and do better… which never happens.

So here I am… again. Leave him and get someone else? Not easy at my age. We aren’t married but we did buy a house together… and other than this, we have as good relationship. So… my choices are no sex, seemingly ever again… or uproot my life yet again to try and find someone new. Who, based on my experience, might turn out to be the same all over again.

So I guess I don’t really have a question for you, Doc – just looking for some commiseration and to remind your readers that it’s NOT always the woman’s fault. Thanks for listening.

Sexless In Seattle

This is a sucky situation to find yourself in SIS, especially when it’s the second time in a row. It’s really easy to wonder just what the hell is going on and why this keeps happening. It’s also a good reminder that sex and sexual desire is a complex beast, and that there can be a multitude of reasons why sex may dry up over the course of a long-term relationship.

Part of the problem when it comes to discussing loss of libido or sex drive or about mismatched sexual desires in a relationship is how often it runs headlong into the common narratives about what’s going on and why. These beliefs often get in the way of actually addressing the source of the problem – whether there’s a physical issue, a mental or emotional one or something happening in the relationship ­– or even accepting that it’s a problem in the first place.

One of the more common obstacles is the idea that if there’s a sexual mismatch or lack of sex in a hetero relationship, that this is somehow the choice of the female partner and the fault of the male partner. This comes up a lot in these discussions: there’s a rapid assumption that the female partner is the one who’s not interested and that the male partner has done something to cause it. This is why so much of the advice starts, and often ends, with “have you considered doing more of the housework/ treating your wife/ etc.” rather than digging into what might be going on.

This surprisingly common assumption comes about because there’s still a tacit belief that men are satyrs, walking around with perpetual priapism and a willingness to stick it in anything that is warm and wiggles enough, while women mostly tolerate sex. So if there’s an issue with sex, it’s ultimately something the woman is actively doing and the man is enduring. This blanket assumption – as you note – isn’t helpful and only tends to get in the way of finding actual solutions to the problem.

This tendency to equate constant masculinity with an almost pubescent sexuality, where even a stiff (ahem) breeze is enough to get a dude’s motor running, means that when there is an issue, men are far less likely to actually admit having an issue, less likely to accept that the problem is with their libido or ability to get an erection (two different issues entirely) and far less likely to seek out treatment when they do. Being less than in a constant state of hornt up means you’re less of a man, after all.

And that’s assuming that you can find people who are willing to treat this as a problem in the first place. Even today, we live in a very sex-negative culture and many of the “solutions” to mismatched libidos in relationships tends to be “well, if you didn’t want sex as much, it wouldn’t be a problem.”

This is equally unhelpful to everyone involved and only serves to make everybody frustrated and resentful. The partner with the higher libido (again, often assumed to be the man) is treated as though their natural desire is inherently a problem, while the partner with the lower libido gets to deal with the ongoing resentment of their partner. Everyone is frustrated, nobody is happy and compromises and options get dismissed out of hand.

Now for your situation specifically, SIS, I absolutely understand how upsetting this could be. Coming out of an abusive relationship, where intimacy and connection were non-existent and into a relationship where you had the strong physical and sexual connection you want must have been like jumping into a cool pond on a hot day. So when that connection also fades and the excuses start, it has to feel like you’re right back in that abusive marriage that took you so long to leave.

I realize that you’re looking for commiseration more than asking a question, so what I have to say is as much for other people in your situation as it is for your relationship specifically. The struggle you’re having with this relationship is surprisingly archetypal; it’s something I’ve seen many times across the gender spectrum, and often described in similar terms and with similar excuses and frustrations.

While I think the loss of that sexual connection is a problem, I think the bigger problem are the excuses. I don’t think your partner is necessarily lying, SIS, but I think that there isn’t a meaningful discussion about what’s going on.

This is why I think that you need to have an Awkward Conversation with him to get to the bottom of the issue. There’re a lot of potential causes, and some of them are the sort that are difficult to admit to. Having that talk, with an eye towards addressing things he might not necessarily want to have to say out loud for fear of what might happen, could go a long way towards identifying where the disconnect is happening.

One thing I wish you’d mentioned is whether other, non-sexual forms of physical intimacy have dropped off as well. If he’s not interested in sex, but he’s still generally affectionate with you and continues to have intimate physical contact – kisses, hugs, cuddling together, general contact and so on – that might point in one direction to potential reasons. If that physical intimacy has alsodropped off a cliff… well, that would point things in a different but equally difficult direction.

One of the more obvious possibilities is that he might be dealing with depression or at a general emotional low point. Dicks are divas, libido is often much more precarious as we age and both can fall off a cliff when circumstances aren’t exactly right. Depression – both “the blues” and chemical-imbalances-in-the-brain – is a known libido killer. You mention that your partner’s currently unemployed and doesn’t leave the house except to go to the gym or ride his dirt bike. Is there a correlation between when he lost his job and became more housebound and the drop off of sex in your relationship? Even if he’s not dealing with clinical depression, losing his job could be a trigger. A lot of men tie their self-worth to being The Provider; losing his job could well have been a serious blow to his sense of self and manhood, which would, in turn lead to potential ED and lower libido.

I would also double check whether he’s started (or stopped) any medications in the interim, especially of those correlated to his losing his job or his lack of sexual interest. A number of anti-depressants, especially SSRIs, are infamous for killing people’s sex drives deader than the dodoand for making it next to impossible to orgasm when they are interested.

The stress of it all – especially if his lack of a job is putting you both in a strained financial situation – could also affect things.

Another potential issue would be whether he doesn’t have a sex drive or if he’s dealing with an inability to develop and maintain an erection and he’s fobbing you off because he doesn’t want to admit that this is a problem. It’s often easier for men to pretend that they aren’t interested in sex or have reasons why they aren’t in the mood than to admit that Mr. John Thomas has been refusing to stand at attention. Admitting that Steely Dan is a little more Cotton-(One)Eyed Joe can feel tantamount to having to hand in one’s man card. And even if it’s not directly tied to his sense of masculine identity, simply admitting that he”s getting older and isn’t having the rock-hard-ready-to-go boners of his youth can be difficult.

Yes, it’s absurd that vanity and a refusal to accept that time makes fools of us all is getting in the way of a satisfying sexual connection. Welcome to the male ego, especially when it comes to dicks. There’re reasons why all the ED medication ads talk in euphemisms about “confidence” and “self-esteem” and use imagery that suggest that men are still energetic and vital, even in middle-age.

The third possibility is that he’s lost interest in sex… either in general or – and I hate to say this – with you, specifically. It could be that this is a pattern with him; some people require a lot of sexual novelty, and many people find that they lose interest in a partner over time, every time. It could also be that, well, that aspect of his relationship with you has just run its course. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong or that you could have caused this or prevented it in some way, it’s that, frankly, sometimes that just happens. The Coolidge Effect is well documented in mammals, and it hits some people harder than others. And admitting that – either out loud to you, or at all – may not be something he’s ready or able to do. Especially if he still genuinely cares for you and wants a relationship with you.

This is why I think carving out time for that Awkward Conversation is going to be important. Sitting down, laying out your side of things – how this lack of sex is affecting you, how it affects how you feel in the relationship, what needs are going unmet – then offering potential options and why you think that would make things better is part of it. But the other part, and the part that I would argue is even more important, would be giving him the space and opportunity to be open and honest about what’s going on with him. It’s much harder to admit to a problem if you feel like doing so would end up causing even more problems in the process… even if it means that the initial problem never gets resolved. It creates a nasty catch-22 that ensure that the only options available to you both are bad, while the potential, temporary awkwardness has more opportunities for finding relief and solutions.

And while it’s inherently impossible (and some would say dishonest) to promise not to have a particular reaction to something before you know what that something is, promising to be as non-judgemental and non-reactive as you can might be part of how you could give him space to open up to you about what’s going on in his head.

Yes, it would hurt to find out that he’s just not attracted to you any more, regardless of the reasons, if that’s the case. But without actually addressing the rather flaccid elephant in the room, there isn’t any opportunity to actually move forward and try to find options for you both. Without discussing things, openly and honestly and without judgement or rancor, you aren’t able to decide if, perhaps, you’re willing to move to a more companionate connection, where your relationship is still based on love, affection, respect and companionship but where you’re allowed to have your needs met elsewhere. Or it may be that the relationship has run its course, and it’s time to move to the next stage of your lives – whether it’s together or separate.

But none of that can happen without the actual discussion, first.

As I said: you have my sympathies, SIS. It’s a frustrating situation to be in, especially when it seems to keep happening to you. Hopefully talking things out can go a long way to, at the very least, putting the anxiety weasels to rest and allowing you and your partner to address this and find a mutually beneficial solution.

Good luck.

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Doc! I need dating advice help for a boy in my kid’s friends group. He’s in 9th grade, a little neurodivergent, and has trouble reading social signs. He keeps crushing on 10th graders way out of his league and who already have boyfriends. He’s convinced that if he pesters them enough they will go out with him (they’ve been polite but the most recent one blocked him on literally every comms device she has, and he STILL didn’t get it).

There have been 3 girls he’s done this to this year. How do we have a come to Jesus with him to get him to slow his roll and basically stop assuming that every teenage crush can be converted into a girlfriend?

The constant drama can’t be fun for the objects of his crushes and it definitely isn’t fun for all his friends. 

Concerned Other Person’s Parent

Every time people talk about high-school being the best time of their lives, I have to wonder what the hell they’re talking about. While it’s been a damned long time since I was a high-schooler, I remember with shocking clarity just how little I understood was going on with… well, pretty much everything… and how much of my day to day existence was functionally holding on to anything that made the slightest bit of sense by my fingernails.

And this was never so true as being a ninth grader with a crush and absolutely no goddamn idea what to do about any of it.

It can be goddamn hard to reach kids at that age, particularly if you’re trying to give them real, helpful advice. It especially doesn’t help that there’s a host of bad actors and influencers who look at kids like him as prime targets for their grift. The constant waves of hormonal changes, trying to establish an identity separate from one’s parents, social status maintenance and maneuvering that bordered on Machiavellian and the desire for relationships that one barely even understands at the time are a perfect formula for chaos and drama that would make soap opera writers say that it’s a bit much. This is a time when kids can be vulnerable to manipulative bobble-throated slapdicks with an agenda to push; it’s a lot easier to sell a solution when it feels like you don’t have the first fucking clue about how to get someone to like you.

The tricky thing especially is that kids don’t like admitting not knowing what they’re doing, and telling them to knock it the fuck off doesn’t always work. The good thing is that kids aren’t dumb, and a combo of appealing to their brains and invoking empathy can help open the door enough to encourage them to take new suggestions on board. It just may be a little difficult for you to be the one to crack that door if you’re not someone he’d come to for advice or if you have the sort of relationship with him that would allow you to offer it in the first place.

It sounds to me like this kid could use a couple of strategic suggestions more than anything else, and some pointed questions would be the start.

The first thing I’d suggest is just pointedly noting what they’ve been doing and asking “…so, how’s that working out for you, so far?” Simply noting that they’re 0 for 3 is the start for planting the seed that their current technique isn’t getting them the results that they would hope for. Doubly so considering that it would require him to acknowledge that at least one of his crushes has shut him out entirely and why she did it.

I’d recommend following that up with asking “how, exactly do you see this working? What about this is supposed to get them interested in you?” At every step, ask: “ok, but how does this work? What about this is supposed to make you more appealing to them?”

The point is less to say “this isn’t working, kid” and more to get them to think things through. As a general rule, it’s more persuasive if you can get someone to come to a conclusion on their own, rather than giving them the solution. Since God knows teenagers can be prone to Underwear Gnome thinking (“Step 1: annoy girls. Step 2: ??? Step 3: girlfriend!”), asking them to walk you through how it “works” can often go a long way towards making them realize that maybe they need to try something else.

This is also where you ask what happens after she says “yes”; a lot of the time, kids like him are so focused on the immediate goal that haven’t actually thought about what to do if they succeed. Realizing he doesn’t have next steps can help him understand he needs to put some more thought into this and change things up. Otherwise you end up with the awkward moment at the end of The Graduate: ok, great, you two are running off together after she ditched her fiancé… now what?

(Were I more of a horrible person, I’d also point out that trying to hit on these girls while they still have boyfriends is a losing game, but that relationships in high-school are often measured in weeks and months rather than years. He’d have better luck playing a waiting game than trying to swoop in while his crush is still in the middle of high-school “THIS IS A LOVE TO LAST FOREVER” drama.)

I would also suggest flipping things around and asking him how well he would respond to someone pestering him constantly to hang out or to go out with them. The odds are good that he has at least one person in mind who he finds annoying; prompting him to realize that he is being that person to the girls he has a crush on might be enough to trigger some empathy and recognize that this is a losing game for him.

While he’s considering this, I’d point out to him that hectoring someone into giving you a chance is far less effective than actually being a more desirable option. Not in the “girls want high-status boys” sense but in the “hey, he dresses well, takes care of himself, has some confidence and is fun to be with” sense. Getting someone to go on a date with you doesn’t matter if you don’t have substance to make them want to go on a second date. Or a third or fourth, for that matter. Working on that personal development and being a person women are more likely to want to date is going to get him better results – now and in the long term – than just focusing on the short term goal of “get Sarah to talk to me”.

And while this part isn’t necessarily going to be persuasive to a kid – even smart teenagers have a pronounced tendency to assume they’re the exception to, well, everything – there’s always the fact that if it did work on someone, that’s a warning sign. I can speak to this from experience: the one time I managed to Nice Guy^TM my way not just into getting a girl to break up with her boyfriend but to date me instead, I ended up in a toxic relationship for years and it took even longer to undo some of the damage that did to me. If he somehow manages to annoy a girl into giving him a shot, the odds are very good that he’s going to have an object lesson in why sometimes single is better.

(It helps if you read that in a strong Maine accent.)

The last thing I would note – and to be fair, this is something the kid is probably not going to want to hear – is that part of the goal is going to be less trying to help him get with his latest crush and more about squashing bad habits early and getting a better setup for future success. There’re reasons I tell folks not to stress dating in high-school; for all that it gets romanticized in pop culture and among folks who think they missed their window, high-school romance isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It tends to be far more chaotic and dramatic because, well, teenagers, and it’s very rare for a high-school couple to last past graduation and even rarer to last past the first year of college. So while your kid’s friend may not end up with the head cheerleader, getting him to change his ways now will pay huge dividends for him a little later on.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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