It a lot of energy to foster children; it’s important to also take care of your spouse.
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I looked at the clock and groaned a little to myself when I saw that it was 3:30 a.m. I had just arrived back home an hour-and-a-half earlier, from a foster parent training seminar I had just conducted in bright, sunny California. The travel back to Georgia, where I live had been a long one, and I was a little tired. Yet, our newest foster child, a tiny baby, was crying in the next room and needed feeding. He was only four pounds when he came to us, up two pounds from when he was born 10 weeks premature. When he first arrived at our house late one night in early May, the tiny infant was on a heart monitor and was so very weak and fragile. As he was so very small and premature, he desperately needed to put on some weight and gain strength. Therefore, our little foster baby was up pretty much every hour-and-a-half each night, all night long, letting us know he wanted a bottle.
After all, my wife and I are in this together, and it is a partnership that I do not take for granted.
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While I had been away those few days, my wife had seen to all of the child care. At the moment, we only had seven children in the house; our older children were helping out with the younger ones. Nevertheless, when it came time to feed the little one each night, throughout the night, my wife was on duty while I was away.
Normally, we take turns each night, as we try to split our responsibilities as parents 50-50. But now, at 3:30 in the morning, my first desire was to sleep, as I had just put my head on the pillow; quite tired from the weekend on the West Coast, and the day’s travel. Yet, I knew that my wife was tired, as well, from her weekend as a single parent. I gladly got out of bed, and fed the infant, and did so at 5:00 a.m. as well. After all, my wife and I are in this together, and it is a partnership that I do not take for granted. For me, the partnership with my wife is essential in so many ways, and I would not be a good foster parent if not for her.
Some foster children are skilled at pitting one parent against the other, bringing some heated and very unproductive arguments to the home..
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Sadly, many marriages suffer during the foster process. When you are putting much of your energies and time into your foster child, you may be so drained and exhausted that you soon neglect your spouse. Further complicating this, some foster children are skilled at pitting one parent against the other, bringing some heated and very unproductive arguments to the home. Make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page with your parenting, and ensure that the two of you are consistent when it comes to all decision making with your foster child. Finally, do not neglect the needs and concerns of your spouse. Instead, make your marriage the cornerstone of your home, and work to make it a productive and happy one.
If we do not take care of ourselves, you and I as foster parents, we may very well become filled with anxiety, grow weary, and face burnout. To be sure, I have experienced those feelings, at times, as well. Just recently, when we went through a one-year stretch of nine children in my own home, I grappled with my own burnout. Yet, when I took some steps to help my marriage, they helped to alleviate much of the stress and anxieties that were on the verge of overwhelming me. When we do take time for ourselves, for our marriage, and our own children, we not only help ourselves and our family, we also help the foster children living in our homes. May you all take time for yourselves, and may you all continue to care for children in need.
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Well said, Matt! God is surely working through you and your wife! Thank you for caring for children in need. It IS a team effort!
John, Truer words … My wife and I have been fostering for a little over 20 years and have had over 70 children through our home. God guided us towards special needs kids so I can identify with your story in a personal way. We’ve found that we both work 100% on the marriage and fostering and have each other’s backs. We don’t get breaks to leave the house often but make time each day for couch time to connect and communicate to help ensure we don’t end up at an imbalance. Despite that, imbalance is almost all but inevitable… Read more »