That’s an easy question; I just couldn’t. I simply couldn’t hate someone that I loved.
It’s true that he hurt me. He decided for us what should happen to the love and he decided for me whether I wanted to stay with him through his pain or not. And it’s true that all these hurt me but he did it all for me
And it’s justifiable, you know? Because grief is a feeling that never goes away. Grief is a feeling that sticks to you like a nightmare you wish you would wake up from.
And he just didn’t want me to feel that feeling, and so I understood.
But I wanted to be angry, even though I wasn’t. I wanted to be angry and hate him because if not, how else was I supposed to forget about him?
How else was I supposed to be okay that things ended the way they did?
How else was I supposed to be okay with the pain in my heart that only intensified with each passing day?
How else was I supposed to be okay with the fact that he was no longer mine and I was no longer his?
And so I forced myself to say horrible things about him. I forced myself to believe that I hated him. I forced myself to view him in a horrible light.
And for a while, I thought it worked.
I was so convinced it worked.
I looked at him and saw nothing but a devil; I thought of him and imagined nothing but a sinister man that was out to hurt me. Someone that I shouldn’t love and someone that I shouldn’t believe.
But then one day the hatred and the anger just faded. It was as if everything had overflowed and burst through my skin, seeping out of me and leaving me empty.
That’s when I conceded that the act I put up was only that; an act. And that’s when I gave up.
It was then that I had to face the fact that despite what happened, I couldn’t hate him. No matter how much I tried to, I couldn’t hate him.
Because I loved him, and it’s hard to hate someone you love.
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Originally published on P.S. I Love You
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Photo credit: Shutterstock ID 1170996397