Yesterday, I led the service at church. My pastor is on a mini-sabbatical and that means I often step in, leading a discussion or giving the sermon. I enjoy it. It makes me think hard about what I am experiencing in life and what I am seeing in the world.
Yesterday, we discussed some of the overwhelming issues we are seeing in our families, our communities, and our world. As they are members of the Church of the Brethren, many of their words were focused injustices they see, from women’s rights issues to the war in Ukraine. Injustice is a central theme in their minds.
We discussed how we might do what we can to remedy what we can and how to “stop trying to fix the unfixable”, as Anne Lamott so beautifully says in her book Hallelujah, Anyway.
Lots of treasures were shared. People were free to be vulnerable and were. It was wonderful.
After the service, I was counting the offering and signing off on it with two other women…women in their 50’s.
Somehow the topic of sexuality came up. One woman talked about how her daughter identifies as “asexual”. She also stated that she had spent a lot of time these past 8 years wondering if it was her fault. (She fully accepts this about her daughter and loves her intensely. The question wasn’t about something being “wrong” with her daughter at all.)
She remembers having discussions about sex with her daughter. She also told her about three separate occasions that she had been raped. These are important things to talk to our children about. Her daughter wasn’t too young to hear it. However, she noticed after that time that her daughter began wearing only jeans and longer T-shirts, started shopping in the men’s section, and cut her hair short.
How much of this was just the development of this particular child and her timing, and how much of it was her mother’s words, she will never know.
The mother went on to say how much she hated sex. She had never enjoyed it and prayed herself through it each time her husband wanted to have intercourse. She said that she loved all of the intimacy and touching beforehand, but the actual “sex”, she hated.
She had been to therapy and wanted to love it, but she had not figured out how to. She stated that maybe she should find a sex therapist or something because it was not getting better and she had been married for almost 30 years. Poor girl.
The other woman piped up enthusiastically stating that she never needed to worry about sex again. I asked why. I got to hear how her husband’s health issues had forced the doctors to remove part of his prostate and his bladder. I heard the relief in her voice when she said she was so glad that “part of my life is over”.
Of course, I had other questions like… “How has that affected your relationship with him?” and “How has his mood shifted since that time?” I was trying to wrap my head around this.
I was a little terrified thinking about that for myself. Just that morning, I had woken up to the kisses of the most wonderful man. We spent the first hour of our day, together, snuggling and making love. I cannot imagine a better beginning to any day of any year of my life. Truly.
Yes, I know we are all made differently. I understand that sexual trauma is not easily weeded out and that many of us suffer from it. I guess I am a lucky one. I have had the people in my life to help me when I was ready.
To listen to these women broke my heart. Neither of them had ever enjoyed sex in their whole lives and would likely not get to that point. They had accepted their situation long ago. It was their “normal”.
I have talked with some men about feeling used, sexually. But I have not noticed that they are traumatized. Yes, it was ugly and they were not happy about it. But, they still enjoy and initiate sex.
I wonder about the way women and men process sexual trauma differently. I just don’t know.
But what I do know is this:
There are a lot of women out there who hate sex and they are missing out. They are missing out on what can be the most connective and satisfying pieces of the relationship puzzle. They are missing out on what many have experienced to be the spiritual of experiences. And my heart hurts for them.
No, sex isn’t always amazing. In my marriage, the sex was boring at best and most, just plain terrible. The best sex I had with him was after he had moved out and we had a “fling” on a Sunday afternoon when we were both feeling desperate. It was just sex, though.
And it felt dirty. It felt dirty like the last 10 years of sex with him when we were still married, living together. It was something to be endured and get my fix. It wasn’t connective or enjoyable. I was done trying to connect with him long before I filed for divorce. It wasn’t safe. Lesson learned very hard.
I knew there was more to be experienced; that I was missing something. And it wasn’t until I had a new partner that I learned that I had been right all along. I learned that I wasn’t broken and that I was capable of feeling deeply connected with another person. What a relief!
What I have learned from my life and the lives of other women, who are close to me is this:
- Sometimes women hate sex because of past traumas that are unhealed. They were often date-raped or something similarly traumatizing.
- Sometimes women hate sex because their current partner is verbally or physically abusive. This is easy to understand. Words are just as dangerous as hands at times, or even more so.
- Sometimes women hate sex because their partners are abusive, psychologically. And this is tricky because we can often not find words to explain why it is we are uncomfortable. They didn’t “do” anything. They didn’t “hurt” us…etc.
We have a lot of work to do…all of us, no matter the gender. There are barriers to our well-being that need to be addressed in the open. Yesterday, at church, some things came out of the closet to be discussed. I’ll be thinking about this. I hope you will, too.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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