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I always looked at the epic movie 300 as a tragic lovers tale between the doomed King Leonidas and Queen Gorgo. In the final scene, as he stands skewed by dozens of arrows, it is not his beloved country, his enemy, or his men he speaks of but that of his wife. I’ve watched that scene dozens of time but it never fails to bring tears to my normally dry eyes. However, it is an earlier scene between them that has believe that this movie is a love story. When Leonidas is deciding if he should dispatch the messenger from Persia, he turns towards his Queen and looks for her agreement on his next action. After a moment, she nods her agreement and his decision is made. I infer from those five seconds of film that they ruled together, as partners and equals, inside a very savage culture.
The origin of the quote “Behind Every Good Man, there is a great Woman” is unknown. My research could not find it’s originator, but it was picked up by the feminist movement in the 1960/1970’s as a rallying call for the importance of women. In has been used less in the last few decades due to its ease of misrepresentation. However, I can feel my viewpoints around this concept coiled around my ego.
As a child of the 1970’s, I was raised to be a true chauvinist.
I lived through the decade of the world diluting the societal uproar of the 1960’s while women were still struggling to find their place at the table. Although the Equal Rights Amendment (ERA), first launched in 1921, it was finally was passed in the Senate in 1972; it would fail to get the required 38 states to ratify it before it’s 1979 deadline. The equal pay act of 1963 did not have the impact it had hoped, and by 1980, women were still earning 60% of men’s pay. The television I watched painted women as ornamental and in service to men, and it wasn’t until 1981’s Cagney and Lacey that a prime-time television show offered two women in the role of protagonist. The show was both popular and controversial as it redefined the concept of femininity for women. I was raised to believe that men were the more powerful sex and women were less than.
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I grew up with both fear and mistrust of women. I loved them, desired them, and desperately wanted their approval, but underneath was a toxic viewpoint that I could not depend on them. I did not understand the rollercoaster ride of my first long-term relationship in college because I was disconnected from my own feelings. I ingratiated myself to be a good “friend” to women in an attempt to manipulate myself into their beds. I kowtowed to women using the best tagline I could find because I was deeply afraid of my own chauvinistic nature lying my shadow. Ironically, it was because that I would not confront the deep shadow of my misogynistic upbringing that it controlled me just the same.
In the months before my 30th birthday, I was enrolled in an intensive course that was ripping my ego to shreds. My teacher, a wise and powerful man, continued to point out the depth of both my deep mistrust of women and my arrogance. I was so far disconnected from both, it felt like he was speaking another language.
“Me??? I’m a nice guy! I love women!” I would protest in a haughty tone.
His stoic nature communicated that he didn’t agree with me and this going to be a long session.
For the next twelve years, I tried to prove my point by overtly agreeing to be “a second” to a powerful woman. In our business partnership, there was absolutely no argument in who was in charge of the show, and I invested all that I had and was in service of her vision in the creation of our business. While it was an exceptional learning experience, it also came at the cost of losing part of myself in the process. After leaving this environment, I quickly put myself back in the “man behind the curtain” by opening my second business with another powerful woman. This left me in more dire terms but finally cured my need to be the subservient guy. I am not victimized by these outcomes as the choices to put myself in these positions were completely my own.
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This leads us to today. I am at the initiation of an epic part of my own journey. I have spent the last two years loving but letting go of that man who “hires” women to stand in front of him to one who is willing to post his own name as his brand. With my book arriving in ten weeks and my first in-person communication workshop in less than three, I am finally saying a HELL YES to being the man on stage.
This all brings me back to the viewpoint that my wife, Morgan, is not behind me.
She actually stands right by my side co-creating my world.
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On one level of abstraction, it may seem it is me doing the work, making the money, while she takes care of the house and kids. You could be seduced by her beauty and grace and not see the absolute genius that lies behind her eyes. It might be my voice you hear on the podcast but the words you hear are borne from the depth and caring of our relationship. I am able to open the doors wide because of her strength, love, and guidance. She will often educate me on topics she loves that hold no interest for me. I keep my attention on her, absorb what she is saying and then go about my day. Then, several days later, I will find myself repeating to a client the exact viewpoint she just taught me. Smiling internally, I will say “this is more Morgan’s world but perhaps your pain isn’t your own? Perhaps it belonged to your grandmother” I then go home and thank her for her wisdom and her impact on myself and my work.
The challenging part is for both of us to remember that we are equals. We are both acculturated to believe that I am more important than she is. My inner chauvinist will whisper toxic messages and I constantly notice her making communications that say that my needs are a priority over hers. I see how I have made decisions that affect both of us without consulting her. It is a constant practice to take time and attention to make deliberate moves to remind both of us of the importance of equality between us.
It is politically challenging to say but women have enjoyed some of the benefits of the patriarchy. With men in front, women have not had to step forward. In fact, conservative lawyer Phyllis Schlafly was credited with mobilizing conservative women against the ERA arguing that it would disadvantage housewives and cause women to be drafted into the military. It is going to take all genders to look beyond their own habits around chauvinism to demand equality across the board.
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For Morgan and I, we work diligently to creating equality between us. We discuss all aspects of our lives from money, savings, raising the children, how to spend our time, and our sexuality. We are equal partners in our world and continue to uplevel our habits to embrace this fact. We vow to show our two daughters what this can look like in the modern world. We know it’s possible.
Sources:
- https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/60500.html
- https://www.thoughtco.com/bra-burning-feminists-3529832
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal_Rights_Amendment
- https://www.infoplease.com/equal-pay-act
- https://www.pay-equity.org/info-time.html
- http://www.museum.tv/eotv/cagneyandla.htm
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Photo by Olga Vyshnevska on Unsplash
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