For a while, I’ve wondered if I should write about this.
One of the reasons I hesitated was that it still hurts somehow, to remember this. Another was because this can really hurt, for others who might read this and remember their own experiences as well.
But I’ve been seeing this advice too frequently, that I felt the need to share how it might feel like, to be a woman on the receiving end of it.
I can only share this from my own perspective, of a woman who went through being expected to open herself up to physical intimacy even if she couldn’t. Actually, what also hurt was that I knew how deep inside, my ex was also in pain because he also longed for reconnecting with me.
We were both in pain, not knowing how to reconnect with each other even if we tried our best based on what we knew or had.
The reason I want to share this isn’t so that we can propagate the war between couples. What I really hope for, is that by sharing my own experience, I could raise awareness of how it feels for women in a similar situation, and contribute to healing relationships in this world.
At the end of the day, I hope that we can create a safer space and compassion toward everyone, on both sides of relationships. Because deep down we all long for happiness, and yet we often have too much emotional baggage and never really learned how to work on our most precious relationships.
The story before my divorce
I’ve been together with my ex for 14 years, of which 7 were of marriage.
There has always been something that wasn’t really working in our relationship, but because we were both clueless and we did love each other dearly, we stayed together and believed in our relationship.
However, everything went downhill after we became parents, as the stress and exhaustion with our new responsibilities further led us apart.
I shared my story in more detail in a previous post. We actually went to two marriage counselors and none of them were able to help us. What I learned afterward was actually much more insightful and I believe it could have saved our marriage.
But what the first counselor conveyed in the last sessions really hurt me at that time. We were touching on the topic of the lack of physical intimacy, and throughout the topic, I’ve felt pressured to give myself sexually in an attempt to save our marriage.
How I felt with the advice to have sex to improve our marriage
This is actually quite a common advice given by marriage counselors and self-help content.
I do agree that physical intimacy is important in relationships. In fact, one of my highest love languages has always been physical touch. I always craved all sorts of intimate interaction with the one I love, and without it, I would starve. Which was what happened as the years passed by in our relationship.
As our intimacy faded through the years, I had to shut down and disconnect from parts of myself that craved for it, because otherwise, it would have hurt too much.
It faded not because we didn’t love each other. It faded because we both had emotional baggage that blocked our capacity to connect deeper emotionally, and neither of us knew how to heal ourselves, let alone the relationship.
I craved for him more than anything, and yet the disconnect hurt too much that I had to disconnect myself from it.
After becoming a mother, I was really exhausted, especially with all the sleep deprivation and lack of time to take care even of myself. I felt really lonely and longed for having strength from the connection with my partner. And yet everything became worse, as we were both even more clueless and with more unmet needs while being constantly depleted.
Both of us felt alone and in need of support and connection, and yet neither of us were capable of giving from an empty cup, let alone knowing how to give what the other person really needed.
At that time, I really needed to feel seen, heard and supported. I really needed emotional intimacy with my husband, to feel that I was together in this with my life partner.
And yet I couldn’t have what I needed the most, while I was expected to stretch myself even more, to put someone else’s needs above even my basic needs.
Besides giving almost all to our little child, besides not having even my basic needs of food and sleep properly met, I was expected to give even more.
I felt really hurt by that expectation, as if I didn’t really matter nor deserved to also be taken care of.
I felt really burnt out, with nothing to give anymore.
I felt really confused, as I wasn’t sure what was the right thing to do anymore.
And I really resented it all.
It’s said that anger is part of us that loves ourselves enough to react to unfair situations. At that time, I felt as if I was just a body piece, and not a whole soul someone longs to deeply and truly connect with.
If sex is a sacred place where we show love to each other through touch and affection, how loving would it be to be expected to open up physically even when we felt disconnected?
I did try to give in. We really loved each other and I wanted to save our marriage.
But I ended up not being able to do it, and my ex could see how much I was in pain and respected me.
What I wish I knew
Since our divorce, I’ve learned a lot that really changed how I perceive myself and relationships.
Perhaps the biggest lesson is the masculine and feminine energies and the polarity between them in relationships.
Since then, I’ve healed a lot of inner wounds which shifted my relationship with my inner feminine essence, and consequently my relationship with the masculine energy.
I wish that I knew about this, as I do believe this might have saved our marriage.
What I hope to share with this article
Perhaps this advice really served some couples perfectly.
Through this article, I can only share my own perspective and experience.
With this advice, I actually felt more hurt, disconnected, and shut down. I drifted even more apart from my ex, while not knowing what could have been done anymore.
To some women, including myself, this advice can hurt even deeper and drives us further apart, as it can make us feel uncared for while being expected to open up physically even if we are emotionally depleted. Sex is important for many of us, and we do crave physical intimacy, and yet many of us need to feel connected before we feel that desire again.
I wish that I could tell my ex that I knew how he was in pain too. That deep down, we both longed to reconnect with each other. I knew that to him, physical intimacy was more than just plain sex. To me as well, and yet I couldn’t do it when I really struggled to feel the connection between us.
Both men and women long for connection, and we all try our best given what we know, have or can do.
I hope that by sharing this, I can at least inspire more compassion toward each other, even if sometimes it can be really hard to do so, as it can hurt so much sometimes.
But I do believe that when we can feel compassion, towards ourselves and others, we can begin to have a deeper understanding of our relationship dynamics and begin to heal it collectively.
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Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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