Part of a spiritual ascension process usually involves becoming more and more sensitive to the energy around and to your own emotions. It is far easier dealing with other people when you are shut down and unawakened. Yet, with the beauty of going through the awakening process comes the reality that unless you want to be a monk and live in a cave, you are going to have to be around other people. Our culture, however, has continuously advocated that you avoid what is likely to be half the population so that you can “live in the light.”
The purpose of being an empath and a lightworker truly is to turn the darkness into light. The lightworkers, psychics, mediums, empaths and intuitives really need to sit down and think about whether an all-out ban on being around energy vampires is really a helpful message. I don’t think it is but that’s because I’ve worked with narcissists and others with extensive personality disorders long before I realized how intuitive and sensitive I was.
Working in a Personality Disorder Clinic
During graduate school, I worked at Bellevue Hospital — one of the best clinical training hospitals in the world. I loved my clients. Many of them were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and lived their lives as artists and college students struggling with maintaining interpersonal relationships. There was a professional dancer who moonlighted as a high-end escort. There was a waitress who dreamed of making it to Broadway. There was a wine expert who couldn’t figure out why he kept getting fired from his jobs (he was committing sexual misconduct long before we had that term).
They all had toxic interpersonal behavior and definitely were emotionally draining. By today’s standards, they all would be considered an “energy vampire.” Yet, the job of a good therapist is to find the light in the darkness and help the client see that there is a way out. People with Borderline Personality Disorder simply have a fear of abandonment and can respond to treatment quite well once they learn some skills to better regulate their emotions. This is not to say they are not challenging but we are well trained to handle the acting out behavior.
Every once in a while we would have a narcissist self-refer. This was usually after a major life event — the loss of a major job opportunity or the threat of divorce. The narcissist is definitely more challenging to work with but if they have made it into treatment, they also can do well with a therapist who understands how best to work with them.
Narcissists have always been harder for me. It took me years to realize why I would be so tired after sessions. Even the mental health field does not do proper training for empaths and intuitives in how to manage their energy while working in traditional mental health jobs.
Beyond Just Avoiding Energy Vampires
The advice to avoid energy vampires was likely necessary years ago when the awareness of being an empath was limited. Today, many more people are familiar with the term and are much more likely to embrace their psychic and intuitive gifts. To full on avoid without giving consideration to whether you are dealing with someone with a mental health disorder (as in claiming someone is a narcissist and automatically making them a bad person) is not coming from a place of light. It is coming from a place of fear.
People with personality disorders are certainly challenging and many of the antisocial type can be dangerous, but the average narcissist or person with Borderline Personality Disorder has also suffered from severe trauma. If you cannot sit with the pain they are experiencing and your own boundaries, I am questioning whether we are being spiritual at all. It likely represents a place in our life where we need to focus on our own growth.
The dichotomy between light and dark, good and evil, love and fear has caused us to lose sight of our spiritual missions in life. There is always light hiding in the darkness. Evil often needs to be walked toward the light by brave warriors. Love is always more powerful than fear. The problem is that many of us passionate empaths and intuitives know that our purpose is to help transmute the darkness but we can be made to feel like our natural gift for doing so is “wrong” in a culture that vilifies people who are emotionally and physically draining.
Now I see in the mental health field the same behavior of criticizing people with such behaviors rather than seeing them in a compassionate place. If our professionals are struggling to hold space, what is really going on with our perception of love? I see this most clearly in the way we are treating people who have refused to wear a mask. I’m in no way condoning their behavior but we are expending a lot of energy fighting what is happening a blaming other people. It is the same way we treat others with personality disorders.
At the end of the day, any inclination to see others as “wrong,” “unhealthy,” “a vampire,” or “narcissistic” really only highlights the closure of our own heart to unconditional love.
Don’t get me wrong. Do I think we need to put up with bad behavior, abuse or other toxic insecurity? Hell no. Boundaries are a form of love — for both parties but the way in which the boundary is enacted matters. If you are seeking to build a wall because you believe the other person is going to hurt you (fear) then you will create fear in your life. If, however, you set boundaries understanding that we are all on our own journey and you release people from you life who are in a different stage of their emotional and spiritual growth, these boundaries become a form of healing. You just became a good role model and teacher in your social circle.
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people.” — Carl Jung
Dealing with Extreme Toxic Behavior
We have become so accustomed to labeling all behavior that does not immediately come with kindness and empathy as “narcissistic.” It is not. Often times people with high levels of anxiety appear self-involved. People with an autism spectrum disorder don’t know they are being unkind. People with trauma are likely functioning with a closed-off heart out of fear of getting hurt again. Not everyone who has a difficult moment is a narcissist. What is needed is for empaths and intuitives to learn advanced emotion regulation skills that go beyond the avoidance of difficult people (which is driven by fear and anxiety). If we all worked harder on embodying our personal power, more of us could get to a place of setting boundaries with a true sense of love. We have a long way to go.
And for those of us who have just recently left a toxic situation or a relationship or who are in a healing process, it is appropriate to have stronger boundaries to protect your energy. As long as you realize it is a developmental path where you may not need such stringent boundaries when you have recovered, your mindset around said boundaries will remain healthy and not be enacted due to fear. There is a fine line between self-love and fear and I believe more of us cross over to fear than we would ever care to admit to ourselves.
The bottom line is, “narcissist” is a label. It does not tell you the full story or invite you to explore why this person is in your life. We all need to be more mindful and aware of the meaning of these experiences. Justifying your behavior simply because the other person must be a “narcissist” is not exactly spiritual and our world needs those who have awakened to take extra steps to enforce self-love and boundaries from a place of deep respect for all of humanity. The result of this right action will always be peace.
When someone treats you like crap, just remember it’s because there’s something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other people’s lives. — @NotSalmon