Slim pickings out there, right?
You’ve had your fair share of relationships in the past. Some of them even seemed to have potential. But they always end up fizzling out over time; nothing really lasts anymore.
Ever dated anyone or been single and just known you could do so much better?
So why on gods green earth is it so brutal?
Don’t worry. This isn’t just going to be just a moaning or venting session.
1) Hook-up culture is all but unavoidable
This isn’t or shouldn’t be new news to anyone, right!?
Long gone are the days of wooing a woman over dinner and a nice night. All some people have to do is swipe their fingertips to get what they want.
It’s : “Wanna come over to my place and drink some wine?”.
That intimate personal connection of getting to know someone through dating has definitely begun to escape down the drain.
Hook-up culture was always there. Let’s be clear, but it’s the ease of access that many do not have that much self-control over. It’s made it harder to define what we’re doing with a person, and the lines of what people actually want are more blurred now than they ever have been. Some people get so frustrated with hook up culture they find themselves just giving up.
A lot of people get confused about where they really land on any given date. They find themselves in a perpetual state of dating, asking, ‘Is this a date?’, ‘Are we a couple?’, ‘What are the rules?’ ‘What are the expectations?’ ‘Am I one of many?’ ‘Dare I text them first?’ ‘Is it OK to let them know I like them?’ ‘If I express a concern, will they dump me?’
Which why I always say, if you’re confused. Just ask and if you’re still confused, ask again. If someone is turned off by you getting clarity, they can kiss your arse.
But unfortunately, because hookups are effortless, the obligatory nomenclatures of being a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ have been slowly wiped out of most people’s vocabulary.
2) Everyone’s got dating trauma
The hook-up culture also comes with a high number of conquests. Everyone is burnt out, and no one trusts that people can even pair bond anymore. Despite what people might say, too much random sex is actually a bad thing. People don’t realize this till it’s too late.
It’s so easy to jump from relationship to relationship in the online world, which means your past relationships build up over time. Because society likes to fool everyone into thinking you’re the most important person in the world, it leaves a lot of failed relationships. Some of which might have worked out.
So do they deal with all this pain?
Nope.
Many modern-day situationships just slowly die out cause one or both parties are not honest with each other about what they really want. Then the other person is left thinking.
- Why did they stop talking to me?
- What did I say that upset them?
- Was it something I did wrong?
- Maybe I truly am the problem?
A healthy and mentally grounded relationship ends in a much slower manner, allowing you to move on and process things in a way that’s beneficial to both of you.
With the average breakup these days, there is no resolution, and each relationship brings more and more baggage with it, no matter how short-term or fleeting the relationship is. This is the compound effect in peak action.
And naturally, both parties bring all this baggage with them into any new relationship. Just date someone for a month, and you’ll see all that trauma they carry on their shoulders.
3) People are up their own arses
Yes, I didn’t stutter. People are far more selfish than they ever have been.
Because we have access to so many things and are inundated with options, people are forgetting how to compromise in relationships. To add to that, you have stupid dating experts telling people they are entitled to the best person and partner. No one is entitled to anyone or anything.
But a lot of people can just start from scratch again with the flick of a swipe or a button. Why take the time to actually self-reflect, grow and change?
This makes dating so much more complicated because people are not willing to make the requisite sacrifices to make a relationship or just a dating experience work.
A healthy courtship means spending time getting to know each other and being more willing to compromise on the more minor details. People could give a shit about compromise, a lot of people want it their way, and they want it now!
People can’t move past superficial preferences instead of real things that make a relationship work.
A lot of people are far less willing to overlook the little things in the view that there is plenty of more fish in the apps. That’s that 80/20 theory working before you’ve gotten with someone. Meaning they could be 80% of everything you want. Instead, people focus on that 20% they don’t want.
4) You’re stuck at home reading articles like these!
Get outside the house.
What proactively and genuine steps are you taking to find someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with?
Sitting on your phone and commenting on Reddit posts does nothing to get you out there.
I have a feeling you hate that phrase, “Just put yoursself out there.”
But it’s true! Remember, the comfort zone is never static. It’s either shrinking or expanding.
The old-fashioned way of meeting someone requires far more mental fortitude and resilience. But it’s always worth it!
Here’s how you do it!
- Be open to meeting friends of friends. Attending a friend’s event is the perfect way to meet someone; you just have to be open to the possibility. Think birthdays, weddings, and engagement parties. Any social event is potential.
- Pick up a hobby. What better way to meet someone than doing something you both love together? Painting, music, reading… there are so many hobbies you can pick up these days, just be true to yourself and find something you love to help you meet someone like-minded.
- Get social. Try saying yes to any social event you get invited to. Whether it’s for work, friends, charity, you name it. The key is to go in with an open mind.
5) Modern media
Believe it or not, they all have an agenda. Most of them merely what to line their pockets with sales. So when you see headlines like:
- “Why men are useless to date.”
- “Women just what your money, kings.”
- “Being single means you’ll be happier.
All of these are created to polarize and be hyperbolic, so you’ll read it and get the writer or content creator money. They don’t always believe those things. They just know it will get clicks. Or worse, they’re so traumatized by the previous sad dating experiences they want to force their agenda on you.
Or we have the media where expectations are higher today because we are flooded with images of ‘perfect love’ from TV, films, advertisements, and social media.
People are constantly being told to get perfection, and if we don’t find it, we move on quickly. This makes people disqualifiers. What that means is they’re looking for all the reasons to disqualify you and figure out what’s wrong with you instead of focusing on what’s right.
People used to message me and complain after their dates.
“I just didn’t feel a spark.”
There is no spark.
Having fun instantly isn’t always needed for a first date; sometimes, you just want a sincere, enriching, and fulfilling conversation to figure out who you two are. Because if you do have this “supposed” initial spark. All that shit wears off, and the routine sets in, then you’ll become frustrated, bored, and want to experience the spark again. This is why people move on from person to person. The scientific phrase for this is called maximizers.
So many modern daters have become addicted to the rush and newness of starting fresh than fully diving into the natural and gradual slow progression of love; real love is not as sexy, to begin with; it’s an incline.
I would wish you luck! But you don’t need it!
If you like this article, check out my book all about first dates:
Thanks for reading!
T.H.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Ricardo Esquivel on Unsplash