Should I let my boyfriend have 3 game consoles?
The other day while reading The Guardian, I came across the headline, “Should I let my boyfriend have three game consoles?” I thought surely this was a ruse to prove a point. But sadly, I was mistaken. Here is my take on this question that has my head spinning.
First of all: Why in the world is this even a question?
Are you asking permission, really?
The woman asking is Byrony, and her partner is Max. Max wants a third game console, and Byrony feels it would add too much clutter to their already tiny apartment. The Guardian quotes her as saying,
“This is a bit weird, why do you need an Xbox One and an Xbox 360? Are we going to have space?” He said he needed both, as some of his games can only be played on one of the consoles.
We can play devil’s advocate and discuss the need for multiple systems or the struggle to maintain a tidy home. But neither of these matters.
Byrony and Max fail to realize that in a successful relationship, no one, and I mean NO ONE, should ever have to ask permission!
We do not “let” other adults do what they want. They are ADULTS and make up their minds. The Oxford Dictionary defines the word let as “not prevent or forbid.” So we are to forbid or not allow our partners to do things of their choosing? That wouldn’t go over well in my relationship.
When is it ok for Max to ask?
Now I am not advocating someone run out and do whatever they want to do whenever they want. A good relationship is a back and forth of respect and communication, and some circumstances warrant further discussion, such as:
- The cost is above what is typical for the couple and could strain finances.
- The purchase is replacing something already agreed upon by both parties.
- There is a history of gaming addiction.
What Byrony and Max have wrong
Successful relationships are built on trust. One partner should be capable of making good decisions without running everything by the other. It is critical to ensure you are both on the same page with goals, finances, parenting, etc. Productive communication will solve this.
Many believe that in the twenty-first century, to expect women to ask permission is a form of hierarchy. And to say it is ok since, in this case, it was Max, the man asking, is hypocritical.
Byrony clearly states in The Guardian that her concern was how their home would look,
I don’t want the flat looking messy, or like one big gaming room
If Max and she were in tune with each other, he would know how much having a calm, uncluttered, styled room would matter. As someone who stresses out when things are out of place and enjoys having a well put together home, I can assure you my husband is well aware of this need in me. In addition, it is his home too, and he deserves to have his needs/wants addressed.
Respect is the key to a successful partnership/relationship
Relationships are complex and require a lot of work; success is never guaranteed. But any relationship stands a chance with effort, determination, and respect.
Here are some important ways to demonstrate you respect one another.
- Recognize how your actions affect the other person and make every effort to make them positive.
- Respect boundaries.
- Treat one another as equals.
- Work hard to ensure you are both on the same page in terms of both your goals and finances.
- Take time to discuss any concerns about an issue and work towards a compromise upon which you both agree.
- Understand that sometimes, things are not always equal, and every relationship has a time for giving and taking. But make sure the pendulum swings both ways to avoid feelings of jealousy and frustration.
A woman’s perspective
I know my view on this matter may not sit well with everyone. And I am also aware that my take on this issue probably stems from the fact that I am a woman. However, it is essential to note that women have taken a back seat to their partners for thousands of years, and although the playing field is much more level, it still is a slippery slope, and many of us still fight every day.
In the example of Byrony and Max, even if we reverse the roles, it could just as easily be too many kitchen gadgets. (I heard a man complain about his partner’s cookware while stating his collection of tools was different.) The point is that we all want to feel important and respected, which comes with communication.
We can’t ask for respect. It is found through honesty and effort and is a work in progress that never ends — unless the relationship ends.
If the other person matters to you, prioritize their needs and discuss life choices. Do not ever think you can “let” them have something. Your partner deserves better.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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