When I was in college, in the very funny (although now very dated) film When Harry Met Sally the male protagonist opined that men and women can’t be friends. It was news to me, even way back in the late 80’s; I had many wonderful, platonic friendships with men and Harry’s fictional assertion that they all “pretty much wanted to nail me” did not ring true in the least. And now, nearly 30 years later, I still hear the same tired, old excuses for why members of the opposite sex cannot enjoy healthy emotional intimacy without physical intimacy as well.
A woman I know recently posted yet another article written on the subject and asked a wise and valid question—what about bisexuals? Are they to be excluded from friendship altogether for fear of their uncontrollable sexual urges towards everyone they meet? Is this not a ludicrous assumption on the face of it?
This article quoted a psychologist, Chuck Schaeffer, as saying “The only avenue boys have been socialized to think they can have emotional intimacy is through romantic relationships.” It also asserted that there is “science” behind the idea that men and women cannot have successful platonic relationships (science in this case meaning scientific studies that promote cultural conditioning as fact). Blah, blah, blah, okay—go ahead and read the studies if you wish, but the bottom line is this:
Some men and women can’t be friends due to the fact that they have been TOLD they can’t be friends and they believed it.
How’s that for “science”?
Sure, women have been culturally sexualized since the dawn of mankind, and most men have been raised with the idiotic assertion that if they are “normal” they will think about sex every seven seconds (how did that rumor get started? How would one even go about proving such a blatantly preposterous thing?) but none of that is FACT. It is simply a societal invention that we can choose to disregard. ALL good men KNOW that women are people, NOT sex objects, and treat them accordingly.
If a man does not understand that women are not sex objects? Well, who would want to be friends with him anyhow? Life is short.
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Now let’s leave this heteronormative mythology for a moment and address how ludicrous and demeaning it is to assume all interactions between people and their gender preferred sex are lustful in nature. On the bright side, it’s nonpartisan degradation, as it demeans all people of all genders and sexual orientations equally, assuming a base, animalistic nature. Quick poll—the last time you walked down a crowded street, how many strangers did you see that you had a strong sexual impulse toward?
See? I’m not saying it never happens, I’m just saying that’s generally not how most people are wired. We are not intrinsically motivated to view each other as “potential sex partners”; that is something we learn.
Doesn’t it make more sense to try to raise our children to cultivate a respectful appreciation of the non-sexual attributes of their gender preferred sex? As kids mature, there will definitely be a period where they are adjusting to their new hormone surges, and in that time they may confuse lust for love or even general agitation for lust. But we’re meant to grow past that (and the majority of us do) and become mindful in our interpersonal relationships.
Real attraction—mind, body, soul—is not something that happens over and over again for most of us. It happens a handful of times, maybe even only once for some. But one of the very best ways you can prepare yourself for a really healthy romantic relationship is to cultivate healthy friendships with members of the opposite (or gender preferred) sex.
A man with a lot of female friends will have a greater and deeper understanding of women in general (same for men raised with a lot of sisters) and will be a more evolved and respectful partner—same for women with many male friends. We become better, more flexible and more well-rounded people, the more friends we have of every gender, sexual orientation, race, et cetera. Our friends are our greatest teachers.
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So here you are, this amazing person with lots of different friends, including those of your preferred gender, and you meet someone you have an attraction to; you start dating and quickly you come to understand that this potential partner is not comfortable with those friendships. What should you do?
My first (and maybe last) impulse is this: MOVE ON. Anyone who doesn’t believe that it is healthy and normal to have friendships with people of the opposite (or gender preferred) sex is NOT good partnership material. For several reasons, in fact:
- The desire to “remove temptation” from a spouse or partner’s life speaks both to their insecurity (they need to go to therapy instead of imposing their unhealthy boundaries on someone else) and their lack of trust in you. Why are you with someone who doesn’t trust you?
- It is impossible to have a healthy romantic relationship if you aren’t also good friends. Ask anyone in happy long-term marriage who their best friend is if you don’t believe me. So if you don’t believe in friendship between men and women, you never learned how to have healthy emotional intimacy with the opposite sex.
- They obviously are, in addition to being insecure and lacking healthy boundaries, VERY controlling and that never confines itself to one area. You can do better. Really, you can.
Tough love, but anyone who DOESN’T believe in the power of opposite-sex friendships is going to be an unhealed person who is overly susceptible to suggestion (after all, they learned this cultural norm and never questioned it). They really need to do work on themselves before they get involved with anyone else. We need as a society to move past this Puritanical belief system and revere these (and all) friendships as the important learning environments that they are.
There is one essential truth that is undeniable–friendship, like attraction, cannot be forced. It happens or it doesn’t happen for all the best reasons; we draw into our lives the people who will help us grow and become our best selves, if only we are open to their lessons. And just like we rebelled against parents who tried to pick our companions, we should rebel against partners who do the same.
A partner who does not wish you to have full agency over the people and conditions of your life is not someone who loves you for you; they “love” you for who they want you to be. Break free from conditional approval and invite those into your life who accept you as you. Friend, lover, it doesn’t matter.
Choose those who choose you as you are. And when that happens, give them the same courtesy and respect. That is a recipe for happiness.
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