Our first date was on a helipad lounge somewhere in Malaysia, on a very orange Saturday.
I remember how humid the air felt, my body begged me to ditch this date and stay in. For some reason, I managed to show up and sat down on the 34th floor of a skyscraper, with a stranger named Jonatan.
I did not expect the date to go well at all. I have been plotting my escape during my ride to the meeting. But, the universe likes to play tricks on you like that; the thing you expected the least, turned out to be a great experience. He had my attention when he looked at me straight in the eyes, and said, “I read Paulo Coelho”, which is my favourite author of all times. Fast forward to today. We are in a long-distance relationship.
. . .
Jonatan was a backpacker from Sweden. Malaysia was not his final destination, but for a cosmic reason, he decided to stop here and extend his stay for three months to spend time with me during my birthday. I myself had moved to Malaysia from Jakarta, Indonesia, for a job, a few weeks before I met Jonatan. Yes, as you guessed, I am your typical corporate nut job.
. . .
After spending so much time together, now we can only embrace each other through calls. Not to mention the six hours difference and the life we’re living personally as an individual.
The things waiting for him back home have taken much of his attention. It made me feel insecure and neglected. Taking to account the uncertainty of when we’ll meet again, these things led us to argue almost all the time we had the chance to talk. We were in the depth of doubt about this working out, but Jonatan was very persistent in giving it a try. So we decided to give it a shot.
I decided to take the chance to focus more on working from home, keep my space organised, and add more value to myself. All these space and self-love helped me to remember who I am prior to losing Jonatan to distance, and prior to him even entering my life. This helped me reflect upon my insecurities, my feelings, and getting to know who I am better.
Being with your own thoughts should not always be scary. As long as you drive it to where you want to go and don’t let yourself be dragged around an uncomfortable past.
Though we’re now still very early in our long-distance relationship, I have been sensing so many improvements from both of us that actually made me believe in what we’re doing. The key is to live one day at a time. But on the grand picture, these are the five things that I realise are the important players in maintaining the game:
A. Honesty
It is not necessarily being honest with Jonatan. It is most important that I am honest with myself. This is what he has taught me from time to time during our relationship. I tend to be a people-pleaser hence I hide my truth to satisfy others. Little did I realise, it will only bottle up feelings that will be extra messy when it explodes. Though the truth hurts, now I respect myself more to think that I deserve the truth than the sweet sugary coats. And, I respect my partner enough to be brave in telling him my truth.
B. Keeping an Open Mind
It takes a lot of practice to be open-minded to things. Not necessarily in relationships, but also in the daily. So as the universe keeps expanding every second, the only thing that’s constant is change. From time to time changes in the relationship will occur. It will take lots of different forms; might be the intensity of the communication, the focus spent on friends or work, and other surprises that might pop up. It is always in our best interest to keep the door open for opportunities.
C. Managing Expectations
Related to keeping my mind open to changes, I support myself with managing my expectations. Remember how I did not put any expectations on our first date? Yet now I’m saving some money to visit Sweden by the end of the year.
It’s crazy how our mind acts when we put prejudices or assumptions prior to the actual experience happening. In my past, reality has failed me most of the time. This often happened to the point where I changed my mindset from expecting the best, to doing the best and letting the universe take over.
I am not saying that setting a certain expectation is wrong, it is just to what extent will you let these expectations bring you down if it didn’t happen?
D. Take Care of Your Ego
Ego is what protects you, loves you, and defines you, yet it is what keeps you from being you too. Ego, to me, is like a little baby that needs to be taken care of. It can turn into a devil baby that makes me feel like the world is against me, or it can make me realise that I am a baby that needs to be taken care of by the universe. It is only best to reflect upon the self, before starting an argument; am I hurt because of a valid mistake, or am I hurt because what he said hurt my ego?
E. Listen
Last but not least, is the simplest thing in life: listening. Again, it is not necessarily listening to my partner, but most of the time I have to listen to myself first. When we embrace what we want, and take into account our partner’s demand, we can see then how things can be compromised.
. . .
All these five points made are such easy things to list down. It takes courage and self-awareness to actually practice them in real life. In the end of the day, relationships need to be nurtured and paid with constant effort. When these five efforts are neglected, any type of relationship would not work.
From time to time, it is healthy to trade minds with our partner to keep us engaged in the relationship. Though so, by keeping these things in mind, it will help Jonatan and I argue more efficiently and solve problems or compromise better.
Long-distance does add a challenge of its own, even so, it is still worth a shot. I believe when you love someone enough, you are willing to give it a try. So to you who are reading in search of a light for your long-distance relationship, let’s give it another round, shall we?
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Unsplash