Lisa Levey talks about recognizing your contributions in relationships and how to break free from gender shackles.
Originally appeared at Role/Reboot
I’m someone who has spent much of her life thinking about and observing gender differences. Growing up in a clear patriarchy, I was very aware that women seemed to have few choices and little influence. Perhaps it’s no surprise, then, that I spent most of my career over the last two plus decades focused on better understanding gender as a consultant and researcher on work-life and diversity issues.
This window into gender issues through my work—along with my intense curiosity about the topic—has led me to a broader and deeper understanding of gender norms. I find that much of what is written about gender seems bent on proving who is right and who is wrong, bent on clarifying who is the perpetrator and who is the victim in the ongoing gender wars. I see it much more as a dance with both men and women playing their assigned parts. In this dance, both fail to see how they play a critical role in maintaining the status quo. In this dance, both men and women remain trapped by the shackles of gender.
As a woman, it has been natural and easy for me to see all the ways men were at fault—they didn’t know how to communicate their feelings, they weren’t organized enough, they didn’t want to commit, they were workaholics, they spent their time on the wrong things, they didn’t get what it meant to be a parent, they didn’t do enough around the house—you know the script. Only through years of reading, thinking and observing have I come to more deeply understand “the other side of the story”—the challenges, complexities and heartaches that men face—as well as how women contribute, often unknowingly, to creating relationships and marriages that are not the egalitarian vision they say they want. Why is it that feminism has become defined by some as women having “the choice” of whether or not to work outside the home while men clearly don’t feel like they have any choice? Why is it that women want their boyfriends and husbands to do what they do around the house—such as cooking and cleaning—while many would not consider journeying outside on a snowy morning to shovel or to mow the lawn on a summer afternoon? Why is it that women feel they can dictate the terms upon which their husbands parent—what food the kids should eat, what clothes they should wear, what activities they can and cannot be involved with?
I’ve had to admit to myself that one of the ways I contribute in my own marriage, at times, to the gender dance is by feeding into the adrenaline rush of handling so much as the strong and powerful modern woman. I’ve had to step back and ask myself on more than one occasion—what am I contributing here? I believe an awareness of how gender norms so powerfully impact our lives—even in 2011—goes a long way in creating a new and different reality. A dad I interviewed—who has, with his wife, architected a deep partnership approach to professional work and the care of their family—had this to say about his experience of the pull of gender norms.
One of the things I’ve noticed about my own tendencies is that it’s easy for me to let it slide so if the baby starts crying, I’ll let my wife deal with it. There is a built in expectation that she will manage it and a built in expectation that I don’t have to. It’s built into her and me – it’s built into all of us I think – so I have to be constantly aware of that and not fall back on my laziness. The truth about getting up to get your kids in the middle of the night is that there is something wonderful about it. Not at that instance when it is a pain in the neck but I believe we get much closer to our children through those tiny little things that seem like annoyances. In overcoming that, in being vigilant about not falling into a trap of expectations, I get much closer relationships to my children than otherwise I would have.
It is easy to get swept up in the dance but many women and men have been–and are—writing their own scripts, breaking free from the gender shackles to create their own paths. An important body of research documents the numerous benefits that accrue to men and women who make gender equality a defining characteristic of their relationships—better mental health, better physical health, greater satisfaction in both their work and personal lives, and yes more sex.
It is high time to learn from the many men and women who have and are walking a different path; people like Fran Rodgers (yes, one of the founders of Role/Reboot and mother of Nicole). In full disclosure I was a consultant for Work/Family Directions for several years working closely with Charles Rodgers (husband of Fran, father of Nicole) in the consulting group. I had my first child while I was at WFD and I found it very inspiring to observe how Fran and Charles managed the care of their two daughters with running a company. From the outside looking in, it seemed clear that theirs was a partnership through and through and that it was possible and desirable for both men and women to be involved parents and ambitious professionals.
I was a late comer to seeing myself as a feminist—graduating from college in 1986 and like many women of my generation thinking gender challenges were a historical artifact, solved in an earlier time. Fast forward 25 years and I’ve learned things were a whole lot more complicated regarding gender than I’d ever imagined. More importantly, I’ve come to appreciate the enormous power of women and men – proactively and collectively – wrestling with and thinking about gender norms as was far more typical during the heyday of the women’s movement in the 1960 and 1970’s. While the media puts forth an endless stream of provocative and polarizing headlines (e.g. Chinese Mothers are Superior, The End of Men) and seems stuck in the same old scripts, there are many quiet, untold stories of men and women who have and who are writing new scripts. Let’s spend more time there.
Lisa Levey is a consultant, speaker and writer on work-life, women’s advancement and diversity issues She spent many years as a Senior Director in Advisory Services at Catalyst and as a consultant with Rodgers & Associates, the consulting arm of Work/Family Directions. She is the author of a forthcoming book on 21st century work-life solutions characterized by greater equality, fulfillment, and moderation. You can read more about her work and her upcoming book at www.LibraConsulting.biz.
This post originally appeared on Role/Reboot. Republished with permission.
Photo credit: Flickr / NatShots Photography
women value wrong things?? Women TOTALLY value getting drunk, having as much sex as possible to keep their status among their women friends, and take pride in doing as non-paying work as possible.
oh wait… that sounds like thing men value..
“they didn’t know how to communicate their feelings, they weren’t organized enough, they didn’t want to commit, they were workaholics, they spent their time on the wrong things, they didn’t get what it meant to be a parent, they didn’t do enough around the house”
Funny I have a very similar list for women. I especially agree with “they spend their time on the wrong things” but I would state it as: they value the wrong things.
@John Gottman – fair enough. I think I was more upset that Bob-O stopped reading because he saw the word patriarchy, and that’s it. Patriarchy is a thing, it exist(ed), but that’s another issue. I maybe shouldn’t have said anything because it’s not the argument or point of this article. The author merely brought up to give her history on how she came to study gender. More importantly, I feel we need to focus on what the author is calling for – more responsibility from women & men in recognizing how they perpetuate roles they aren’t in support of. Calling… Read more »
I can appreciate the baby steps taken in this article, but eventually we’re going to have to drop the patronizing act and get real here. The responsiblities and obligations of men in our society extend far beyond shoveling snow and mowing the lawn. Why is is that any time a feminist finally starts to talk about our issues, they pooh pooh around the real problems at the heart of all this? None of us are here because we are expected to do chores. We are here because we are the designated cannon fodder of the human race. Like I said,… Read more »
Gonna have to think about this one
“I was very aware that women seemed to have few choices and little influence.”
Men have 1 “choice” (obligation), be a working, sacrificing utility where as women when you were growing up had more choice and they were more human choices. Also women have more influence than men as they are the majority vote and males are biased toward females and not males.
you know little about politics don’t you?
Check the numbers and see who’s ACTUALLY the majority
@Katie: You think she meant in her household….Really?
This is what she said
“Growing up in a clear patriarchy, I was very aware that women seemed to have few choices and little influence”
Now, she didn’t say “My mom and I”, or “the women of our household” or “my aunts and I”. She said “that women seemed to have few choices”.
Those words indicate a MUCH larger unit than her family. those words indicate her view of society.
Oh my goodness! She said she GREW UP in a clear patriarchy. Meaning, personally, in her household, there was a patriarchical set-up. Not once did she mention patriarchy as a generalizing state-of-being. Seriously, thanks for proving her point that too many men & women are caught up in blaming the other rather than recognizing their own responsibility & part in the mess. Fantastic article! I enjoyed reading it and am excited to see the spread of personal responsibility in building true partnerships from recognizing the old gender-traps we all fall into. Self-reflection & humbleness to admit our own shortcomings is… Read more »
I stopped reading this article after the “clear patriarchy” line. Nothing good could have followed that. I hope someday the gynosupremacists succeed in starting their own country, just so they’ll leave the rest of us alone.
Did you get your mother’s or father’s last name when you were born?
enough said.
By that insane troll logic, traditional sects of Judaism are a “clear matriarchy” simply for the practice of matrilineal identity inheritance. Surname inheritance tradition is a holdover from feudal Europe where surnames were typically reserved for landed gentry as evidence of a legitimate line of descent entitling an heir to a benefactor’s estate. Granted, for the time and the place, only MEN were allowed this privilege, but that’s fundamentally ignoring the facts that: 1) there were FAR more men who worked for said landed gentry as serfs, who held no legal right to property and were fairly impoverished, which put… Read more »
Did your mother or father have to register for the draft?
Enough said.
Yeah, most of this is just people never really taking stock of the degree to which they’ve internalized the very social attitudes they claim to oppose. So men and women notice all the ways society hurts them, but none of the ways it privileges them. But I am kind of worried that this falls back on the ‘more feminism!’ argument: that we solve this by more men siding with the feminists so that true equality can be advanced. Women aren’t any more likely to go about dismantling their own privileges than men are. You need a second movement – a… Read more »
You say you are a feminist, but you do not speak like any feminist I know. If there are more like you, a dialogue would be possible. Some comments: 1) You say you grew up in a “clear patriarchy”. At that time, women were actively wrestling with equal opportunity. In contrast, there was not even the begining of a dialogue about equal protection for men. Why not call it a “clear matriarchy”? 2) I commend you for identifying a number of relatively minor relationship inequalities that men face in their private lives. However, are you aware of the infinitely more… Read more »
Baby steps man. Baby steps. Questions like “why do I assume that shoveling the snow should be his job?” are easier to ask and open the door for questioning larger assumptions later on.
Excellent article