Over my 62 years, I’ve learned to love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I put my head down. Put in the work. Practice being quiet inside. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. Really.
When I was a little boy, Dad scared me to my very soul. I told my therapist Lance Miller that when I was 8 years old, I was harder on myself than anyone could ever be. I thought that if I was so hard on myself, then no one could get on me, especially Dad. I was my harshest, most unforgiving critic of all. I knew that I had to be perfect, had to get it right all the time or suffer the dire consequences. Dad would yell at me or hit me. I pressured myself out of sheer fear, out of sheer survival. My pressure on me was my fear of never being good enough for Dad, never being good enough for anyone, including me. Everything I did was out of fear.
Sometimes, I was so hard on myself that even scared Dad. He backed off. He might have even felt sorry for me. That was my childhood. Maybe I was right, but I suffered for that.
Still, we’re all imperfect. That’s just the human design. So, I suffered through childhood and much of my adult life trying to be perfect, trying to get it right. That was impossible, again by design.
The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism is the source of suffering. My source of suffering was my fear inside that I not good enough enduring my childhood trauma and depression. I pressured myself to be perfect, knowing that deep inside I was not good enough. My truth. At least that was true for 8-year-old Jon.
On the Mind the Game podcast with Lebron James and JJ Redick, Lebron spoke about his love for the game of NBA Basketball and the commitment and sacrifice that required. JJ recalled that when he was an NBA rookie player, “There’s an element of fear. Once I step out on the court (for the game), I’m not scared.”
JJ described his fear, “I need to be in the training room on time… It’s like the small stuff.” He pressured himself out of fear, the fear of failure. In the bigger picture, the small stuff, the details matter, but as the 8-year-old I ran in excess with that. I worried about everything. I couldn’t make a mistake. I was scared all the time. I could never relax. I was so fucking tired, trying to be someone I’m not. I had to be better than humanly possible.
Mom got how much Dad scared the hell out of me. She said, “Jonny, slow down.” She was reminding me to calm my soul, be quiet inside, that things have a way of working out. As the frightened little boy, I yelled back, “I know!” Mom only had unconditional love for me. I was too young, too stupid, and too afraid to get that back then. I did as I grew older.
O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” There is no opponent outside me. There is no pressure outside me. It’s only me against me. Although, I’m not fighting myself. I let go my fear inside me over, and over, and over again. Practice makes the unnatural natural.
Ishibashi Sensei told me, “You have to open up.” That we all do. In Aikido, I enter the attack, enter the danger, and opening up. That’s all I do. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough or whatever fear. I choose who I am and what I do. I always have something to work on, refine, and let go to become the greater-than version of me. I make the correction. Practice. I make the next correction. Practice more. That’s the path, the journey. That’s life.
After our Match dot com date, Jacqui never called me back. A friend used me until she could find someone meaningful, she could love. Either way, I was not good enough. I have nothing to be afraid of because the fear of not being good enough was truth. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I have a say in what goes on inside me. I work on myself, not on others. That’s all I can do. Maybe there’s a woman somewhere out there, who finds me meaningful. Who knows? Lightening could strike.
The Fourth Noble Truth of Buddhism is the path to end suffering. On my path to end suffering, I open up. I let go my fear inside that I’m not good enough over, and over, and over again. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I take life’s glancing blows for what’s meaningful to me.
Maybe, that’s falling madly and deeply in love with someone, who will love me the same way back. I do my best. There is no pressure. Everything quiet inside me. It’s not like I have to get somewhere or be someone else. I can just be me. Just train.
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