This is a hard one for me because like most people I hate rejection. At the same time, like most people—straight men in particular—I’ve gotten used to it. It goes without saying that if you’re a straight man over 30 who is not a celebrity, you’ve gotten rejected your fair share of times by the ladies. Sometimes “it’s not the right time,” she’s “waiting for someone,” she “see(s) you more as a friend,” or “there’s no spark.” I have heard all of these and many more. They come with the territory.
Job rejection, however, can be a lot more brutal. For one thing, we need money—not to mention medical benefits—to survive. The let-downs also tend to be even less direct than the reasons most women give. The most common employment-related rejection I’ve gotten is either no response whatsoever or a canned-response e-mail that feels every bit as impersonal but at least gives me a sense of closure. When I get no response, I sometimes hold onto the possibility that the employer in question is delaying the hiring process for some reason, and I will check in again at some point, hoping that the ‘squeaky-wheel-gets-the-grease” adage holds up.
While this tactic works every so often, I can’t stress enough how important it is to move on when you don’t hear back after three weeks or so unless it’s a government job where a long wait-time is expected. I learned the hard way what can happen when you let an employer lead you on. Returning to my original metaphor on dating, it’s not the glib denials that hurt the most—they are no more painful than pinpricks—it’s the drawn-out disappointments that will leave you despondent for days.
Allow me to explain by way of an example. When I first graduated from college in 2008, I was very naive and thought I could easily land a job in Washington, D.C. I believed this despite the fact that the country was then in the midst of the Great Recession and that I was only 21-years-old competing with people who had decades of experience and far deeper connections to the city and its players. When I finally landed an interview after several months of coming up completely empty, I was convinced I would either be hired immediately or rejected in a timely fashion. As the weeks of silence stretched on, I kept e-mailing, calling, and even attempting to visit in person—to no avail. Eventually the posting for the same job I had applied for was re-posted with a message from the hiring manager that they were still looking for “the ideal candidate.” Eleven years later I still remember this exact wording because of how shocked I was that I, somehow, was not ideal. And not only was I not ideal, I was not even worth the 30 seconds it would take to tell me as much. I was so upset with the hiring manager that I even lambasted her in a private message after adding her on social media. I took the banal cruelty of her actions personally, which you should never do if you want to survive a long stretch of unemployment with your dignity intact. Never, ever take any of it personally.
To some hiring managers, we are only words on a document. Our feelings are not important. Our time, unless it is the company’s time, is also not important. When they tell you that you will hear back about the job in two weeks, don’t expect an answer for at least three. If you apply for a job and are not contacted for an interview in about three weeks, do not expect an answer at all. Move on. When you apply cold, expect a cold response.
I don’t have all the answers on the subject of rejection, clearly, or I wouldn’t be unemployed (or single, for that matter). But I do know a lot about resilience. Acceptance is the key to it. Believe me when I say you will need as much of it as you can get.
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Previous posts in this series:
Unemployed? Don’t Feel Bad for Feelin’ Bad
Don’t Need a Job to Need a Partner
Being Unemployed Doesn’t Make You Less of a Man
When Unemployed, Exercise Every Day
Don’t Sell Your Soul for a Job
If You Can’t Make Money, Save Money
Get By with a Little Help from Your Friends
When Out of Work, Work on Self
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