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I respect women. I actively participate in candlelight marches for rape victims. I write Facebook posts supporting women’s empowerment and liberation. I project myself as a man of the changing world and try to embody its evolved approach towards women.
I strongly believe that no woman deserves to be attacked or humiliated for any reason: not for the clothes she wears or for how late at night she chooses to be out. She is still the same person with the same dignity and self-respect that she is at noon or midnight, in a mini-skirt or sari. These are my views. Yet, when I introspect and look into the depths of my heart, I realise I don’t believe enough in my own beliefs.
When after a tiring day at work, I make my way back to my home, I sometimes go over my own convictions, which I often relay passionately to other people. But have I convinced myself enough? As I knock the door of my home and see my mother’s face, the confusion lifts and I get my answer.
I am a coward.
I am a man who fears everything. A man who waxes eloquent (with full sincerity) on women’s liberation, but finds it difficult to practice what he preaches in his own home.
When I reach home late at night and don’t find my sister there, I start calling her, asking her whereabouts and when she will return. I stare alternately at the wall clock and door until she comes home. It gets worse. Sometimes, I ask my mother to adjust her sari more modestly when she goes out and I am uncomfortable when my love’s top has a low neckline or threatens to reveal her midriff.
To the outer world, I project myself as an open-minded person. I tell the women in my life that they are free to do what they want, as and when they want, but deep in my mind and heart I don’t feel the same. I do not try to restrict them from doing anything but I do keep a careful watch on their actions. I know this might be wrong and irritating for them many times. They might get upset with me or even feel embarrassed by my behaviour. Yet, I cannot help myself because I know what the men on the street are like and that I cannot exercise any control over them. The only thing the men out there need is an excuse. I really don’t want the women who are a part of my life to be that excuse.
That there is a mindset problem in India is well-documented. Irrespective of how much we learn, we see or we practice, we men tend to have an inflated sense of self, a feeling of superiority just by dint of our gender. We find it challenging to accept that a woman can be better than us or outperform us. Even the concept of equality doesn’t sit quite right. As a result, many men feel that it their duty towards their gender to bring down women a peg or two, reduce them to victims.
I too am a man residing in the same culture, with many of the same influences. I am the same guy who, along with his friends, stares at a “hot” girl walking on the road. But of course I won’t lose control of my mind and body and force myself on a girl. I know my limits. I too have a family and when I see them, I take my limits in a more serious way.
“Sometimes, I ask my mother to adjust her sari more modestly when she goes out and I am uncomfortable when my love’s top has a low neckline or threatens to reveal her midriff.”
Life is a complete cycle. The way I see society and the opposite gender is the same way society looks at my home, my sister, my mother and also at my love. This realization makes me fearful. It makes me mend my actions and my way of looking at the world.
I don’t think that women will ever be truly empowered until men are. Until the way we think changes, our progress will always be incomplete, the road to equality half-paved.
But right at this moment I am a frightened man. I am frightened of society. I fear for my family. To deal with that fear I keep tabs on them, stop them from doing certain things, stop them from going to certain places and stop them from going out after a certain time. This is not because I think they are weak, but because I want them to be safe. I love them, I care for them. I can be open-minded and embrace every definition of freedom out there, but deep inside I know I cannot change because my love and fear for them will not let me. If this makes me a coward, then I am one.
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Original article appeared at The Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Aakash, I appreciate your raw honesty here. Although, we need men of action more than ever. Not just men who think these things, but think them, know how they have to change, and follow through. I don’t think you are alone in this, or all that different from many men in America. I think a lot of men are struggling with that bridge between their outside lives and their inward ones. A lot of men who want to respect and support women but hold onto demeaning beliefs or in the privacy of their own time, engage in things that demean… Read more »
Thank You Erin 🙂
I do agree to the thought you are trying to convey.
I support women having choice when it comes to abortion. I think a woman can do whatever she wants in terms of career. I think that a woman should be able to dress how she wants. I never made comments about how my sisters or mom dressed. I have been able to question guys that talk about women as objects. I’ve been able to say something to people who are anti choice or try to enforce old gender roles on women. But at the end of the day what do I get in return? I get called a misogynist because… Read more »
Danny,
Thank you for supporting women’s rights. It seems as if no one, or maybe not enough someones, have said that to you before. I just want you to know that it’s appreciated.
L
Its just annoying Lisa. Its not so much the thank you or lack thereof but the constant attacks telling me I hate women because I disagree with them sometimes despite agreeing with them on big issues like abortion while at the same time a guy can just waltz in, say he is a feminist, bash men as a whole, and he’s treated like the second coming of Jesus.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Thank you for putting that into words, Danny.
I totally agree, with every word, and I share your experience.
All the best /K
I never once thought you were a misogynist Danny. But you can hardly blame women supporting a man that talks a good game about supporting women and respecting them. It’s not our fault when we believe in men who outwardly claim they respect women.
I will also say that I am slightly bothered by your question about what you get in return. What do believe you should get in return? Do you support women just to get something in return and when you don’t get that, feel robbed of it?
But you can hardly blame women supporting a man that talks a good game about supporting women and respecting them. No I can’t blame them too much because wanting to be supported and respected is something everyone wants. I will also say that I am slightly bothered by your question about what you get in return. What do believe you should get in return? At minimum I expect to not be treated like the very thing I am not. I’m not expecting roses, parades, or to be treated like a king. I just want to not be treated like I… Read more »
“As a result, many men feel that it their duty towards their gender to bring down women a peg or two, reduce them to victims.” Which is why women will still be attacked no matter what they wear. Give your mother and sister guns so they can defend themselves from their subhuman attackers, rather than giving them advice on what to wear and not staying out too late.