Toxic masculinity, patriarchy, misogyny, privilege–what does that mean for boys today and how do we guide them to be good men?
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Let’s start with acknowledging that it isn’t easy being a boy.
Sometimes it feels like so much attention and energy is being spent on empowering girls that it feels like you have been forgotten. So before I begin, I want to say that I get it—it’s difficult and complicated being male. There is a lot of pressure on you to act a certain way, to think a certain way, dress a certain way, be a certain way.
Let’s be honest, the way you are expected to be sometimes feels contradictory with who you want to be when you are alone with your thoughts. .
Here are a few things that might help:
Your manhood is not determined by your sexuality. And although it might feel like it because of the pressure put on you from most cultures and the media, your definition of manhood does not have to be based on sex. You will see men everywhere objectifying, dominating and mistreating women and it may feel normal to also feel the need to behave this way.
You will be made to feel inferior if you are not strong or tough and sexually aggressive. You and your friends will taunt each other about when and how often and whom you have sex with. Even the terms will feel violent: do her, bang her, screw her, give it to her, each term another form of assault, until you will confuse having sex with domination. This is called Toxic Masculinity. It is one of the ways in which the Patriarchy is harmful to men. Toxic masculinity refers to the socially constructed attitudes that describe the masculine gender role as violent, unemotional, sexually aggressive, and so forth.
Let’s take a moment to familiarize ourselves with a few other terms that might be helpful.
Patriarchy is a term used to describe the system of gender-based hierarchy in society which assigns most power to men, and assigns higher value to men, maleness, and “masculine traits.” When faced with the idea of patriarchy, most boys will become defensive, usually because they are not aware of the privilege being a male offers them in most cultures.
Privilege is used to describe a set of advantages (or lack of disadvantages) enjoyed by a majority group, who are usually unaware of the privilege they possess.
Let’s see if we can unpack these terms a bit. Most cultures are Patriarchies and so they use the idea of Toxic Masculinity to perpetuate existing power structures. They can do this by exploiting your ignorance of male Privilege and fostering socially acceptable misogyny.
Which is our last term for now- Misogyny— dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.
In simpler terms, for most of human history, men have run the show. They make more money, do less work and make major decisions that affect both men and women, but usually make decisions that benefit men. They like having control and do not want to lose it, so they make it seem like power, domination, and control are male traits and anyone who does not think this way is weak or feminine.
It’s okay to explore other ways to be a man. Your buddies are just as scared and confused as you are.
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So they make the way the world is structured feel normal—look at your media, video games, movies, sports and military culture, take a look at your classrooms, your accepted genre roles, your toy stores, everything around you that makes it feel normal for you to be a tough, brave, strong boy.
Let’s go back to where we started before we got into this lesson on basic of feminist terms—you don’t have to buy into it. Being a boy doesn’t have to do with any of that. And if you are determined to make a better world and be the best and most authentic version of yourself, all you have to do is ignore what society tells about what makes a man.
Easier said than done. I know. Trust me, it took me forty-two years, being married, teaching middle school and raising two girls to even notice there was something wrong. The blinding glare of male privilege while living in a patriarchy is hard to avoid.
Here are some things you might want to try to break yourself free:
Girls are not objects for your pleasure. They have their own ideas and thoughts and dreams and while they might be working out their own issues, they are not here to satiate your sexual appetite. You may want to look and ogle and stare, but they usually don’t like it, especially from a stranger. I know it is difficult. The media turns women into objects, so much so that girls themselves are not sure who to be and how to be it. You are also biologically programmed to look and ogle and stare, but you are better than that. You have evolved and you just learned the term misogyny, so take a break from seeing girls as mere objects for your pleasure. Don’t disrespect them to their face and more importantly don’t stand by and let your friends talk about them behind their backs.
Look up the following words in no particle order and try them out: tenderness. humility. grace. compassion. empathy. sensitivity.
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It’s okay to explore other ways to be a man. Your buddies are just as scared and confused as you are. The more they boast and brag the more insecure they are. They are not always the best at helping you, especially when you are hanging out in a large group. Your bros will mess with you and tease you and maybe even haze you to a point when you can’t stop joining the pack. Bros in a pack are not your friends. Find a few people you can trust and learn to talk to them. Finding male friends that can talk about this kind of stuff early and openly is key to your development. You want guy friends who are not afraid to cry or talking about insecurities. You want male friends who can see beyond toxic masculinity and who will accept you for who you are.
You might also want to look up the following words in no particle order and try them out: tenderness. humility. grace. compassion. empathy. sensitivity. Most boys or young men do not bother with these ideas in their youth because they are trapped in the one idea of what it means to be a man. Break free early and follow your heart. Find the right books, the right songs, the right films and the right friends who can help you construct the best version of yourself. Look to and find a variety of different male role models.
Here is an easy one. No means no. Always every time. No means no. Always every time. Once more for good measure- No means no. Always every time.
We’ve already reviewed how hard it can be to escape toxic masculinity and misogyny because it is everywhere, so much so that when boys are pushed into a corner to be masculine they feel the need to dominate women and this need for control can often to lead to rape and sexual assault. The numbers on how many young women are sexually assaulted worldwide is staggering. So much so that there is a term for it—rape culture. This is a term that was coined by feminists in the United States in the 1970’s. It was designed to show the ways in which society blames victims of sexual assault and normalises male sexual violence. An easy way to avoid any trouble is to treat the women in your life with respect. Maybe stay away from porn for a while, it doesn’t seem to help. No means no. Always every time.
This is a lot to take in. Remember none of this is meant to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself. I am just sharing these ideas with you because no one ever did for me. I remember boyhood and young male adolescence as a very confusing and lonely time. I was lucky to have good friends, which made is easier, but not everyone can say the same.
I am sharing these ideas with you to help you free yourself from any cages you might have been put into that don’t feel comfortable. I am also sharing this with you because the women in our lives deserve better men. My daughters deserve better men. Your classmates do too. Listen to them. Don’t get defensive. Their struggle is real and it is painful and difficult. Look at the world from their eyes and remove the blinders of your own privilege.
I have said nothing about homosexuality in this post, but that seems like another conversation. I will say that being gay is another beautiful reflection of manhood. It is no less masculine or normal than any other form. Remember your manhood is not determined by your sexuality. There is more to being a man than that. Go out into the world and figure out what those things can be.
Originally published on IntrepidFlame
Photo: Pixabay
I wish this site published more articles that cared about boys. This author is obviously uneducated and does not care that boys are also victims of rape.
Besides. Not giving any credit here towards that moron Brock Turner, it was the judge who really caused this mess in the end. Turner’s parents are a piece of work too, and are a great example of how badly this generation of patents are raising their kids to be entitled snots. Like that Uber moron suffering from affluenza. Ain’t he going to be a prize for someone. The whole country as a general whole was outraged by this sentence. That does say ALOT about character. Not just feminism but that ALOT more really do know the meaning of justice.
A very wise man, Jim Stenson who teaches about this issue made a simple, but profound (to me at least) comment about the challenge of teaching boys: they need to know WHAT to do, more than WHAT NOT to do. Boys (speaking as a boy) are, generally speaking, action-oriented. The problem with the boy/girl thing is that there is a default action (sex) that needs to be put in it’s place, and the energy needs to be not suppressed but channeled into a better use. Jim described it this way: regarding girls, you can be either a predator or protector.… Read more »
“you can be either a predator or protector.” I love that, Bob. Simplistic, yes, but profound none the less. I spend a great deal of time on discussion sites trying to teach women the difference between a “player” and a sincere man, because the player is such a devious bastard, and hard as hell to identify. That is protecting, that is what men, good men raised on the noble tenets of masculinity does. The problem occurs when we take that 5 or 7% of bad men and define all men, all masculinity by that standard. That just turns good men… Read more »
Well, DJ, in military basic training, they tear people down through negative reinforcement. The trouble is once the people leave basic training, many of them still run into NCOs and officers who treated the people like if they still are in basic training.in order to take away their pride and motivation for being good people not to mention they tried to show they are Mr. Big Stuff because they outrank you. I suppose that why many military people kill themselves when they retired because they no longer have the ability of life and death over people’s careers.
I agree that we spend way too much time telling men what NOT to do, instead of telling what to do, and foremost acknowledging what’s already being done. (As an opposite to acknowledging, you know, the bad stuff that’s being held up as some kind of baseline for manhood.) But the “you can be either a predator or protector” paints a false binary that I really don’t agree with. Is it really our prime purpose to succumb ourselves to the needs, wants and desires of women? What about I just live my life on my own terms, where I do… Read more »
Not only is there is a need to show what to do, but a purpose other than “what’s best for women and girls first” must be found.
Men and boys are already drilled with how they need to do right by women in order to be considered “real men”. They need their own purpose and motivation.
Simple. Would you tell women what to do based on what is best for non women? Of course not so why would ask men to do so?
“What about I just live my life on my own terms, where I do my best to avoid causing intentional harm to anyone?”
You get no argue from me, Flying Kal.
Well, DJ, you have American families who have been cops, blue collar workers (like steel workers), and/or military service people for several generations.
Many of us were raise on war movies stressing comradeship, honor, patriotism, bravery, freedom, respect for the military, country, service to the country plus being raised on the western classics principles stress in the western movies.
So I had a full lengthy replied typed up but while rereading this I noticed something. This piece is about how to be a boy. Then why is it totally centered about how around girls/women? I think that’s going to be why your words ring hollow to many. Yes Im sure you have already concluded that anyone that disagrees with you is “blind to male privilege”, “doesn’t repsect women”, or any other number of buzzwordy catchphrases. But what worries me is that you really won’t practice what you preach and listen to why people may disagree with parts of this.… Read more »
Wonderful commentary Tom and DJ. You’d produce a wonderful article DJ. Be interesting to see then the commentary. I guess I believed in the equality of women even way back in the early 60s. My mom was a strong woman who did believe in her place as second to my fathe . But I also know my father always consulted my mom on important things relating to the family. My mother spoke her piece, listened to my dad’s points a ND then when all was said and done, let him make the final decision, trusting that he’d listened and considered… Read more »
We should not tolerate bullies from adults in the workplace as well but that has not happened because the bullies are the bosses who can fire you anytime they want to or they are protected by their friends who are their bosses as well. It would be nice if we could take the adults especially the bosses into a back alley and clean their clocks. And don’t expect help from the government to help you because they are control by the corporate bullies as well.
“This is a lot to take in. Remember none of this is meant to make you feel guilty or bad about yourself.”
Wow, I guess you gave yourself a big fat pat on your own back writing that.
Other than agreeing with DJ and Mark, I’m just going to sit here and postulate that this article probably says vastly more about the author’s own upbringing and views, both on women and on other men, than it does about men in general.
Like the two of you, I was raised the same way with one difference. Even though I may have fantasized having sex with a variety of girls, I waited until marriage. I’m not saying this to judge anyone else but it was simply an aspect of my masculinity. Everything the two of you wrote rings true in my life and the lives of most guys our age. But what we experienced is seen as “toxic” which causes me to shake my head in misbelief. To add to the list, I was taught that when walking down the street, the man… Read more »
That was a good comment dj. I too was raised to respect the same three western drama show principles. Fight fair, respect women etc. That’s why I always found it hard to be around the males who were strutting around and not having these inner values. It took me until I was in my early teens before I learned how to fight to win. Because my values were contributing to getting my ass kicked by people who don’t learn those values. But I always treated women in respect for them as people. And when she said yes to sex I… Read more »
Well stated, Mark. This is exactly why I am going to take a shot at writing for this project. I’ve grown weary of challenging these sort of indictments, defending masculinity, arguing imaginary assumptions of what men are and what men should be as predicated upon a writers personal feelings. It’s time to lead by example, to put ourselves out there and demonstrate who and what we are, how we were raised, what we believe in, not what has been painted upon our canvas by those that have no idea or experience of what our world is, who we truly are.… Read more »
I’d question a couple of items here. Firstly would be to question where the empirical data is that would demonstrate that masculinity equates to the domination of women. I’m interested because i was raised with that classic masculinity, in a family of war vets, cops, and blue collars, and I’ve never seen it. In fact, our most notable requirement was service, be that to our country, or neighborhoods, our families, our women. We were raised on a steady diet of westerns, where there were three rules: Never steal a horse, never shoot a man in the back, never hit a… Read more »
Thanks for your comment DJ. Let me start by saying that I know little of this space as I just started publishing here. It feel slick you are commenting more on a certain vibe you feel this space exudes and less on what I was saying. You are right that we all see the world from our own perceptive and have different ideas of what it means to be a man, and I by no means was saying that y way was the best. I am simply seeing the world through the eyes of my two daughters and the students… Read more »
You are right that we all see the world from our own perceptive and have different ideas of what it means to be a man… While I agree that different people have different perspectives at some point we have to comes together and share those experiences on how we got to where we are so we can work on where we need to be and how best to get there. …and many of the young boys seemed confused and uneducated by what Feminism actually means. I’m curious. What lead you to conclude that they were confused and uneducated about feminism?… Read more »
Mr Raisdana, I appreciate your effort. But… What you do here is basically holding up a picture of Brock Turner and the likes of him, and give a lecture that this is what men “are”, and what boys are predestined to become, pretty much. And as most boys don’t recognize themselves nor the men in their vicinity in that picture, I have very little doubt that your male students seem confused if you are approaching the subject in a similar way with them. Most boys, confused as they may be about all the mixed messages they are receiving, are still… Read more »
Thank you for the reply, Jabiz, I too have spoken to a great man women, thousands upon thousands over 25 years, men too. I’ve also studied everything there is to study about the ideology of feminism, and I have battled them for that time trying to work towards father’s rights (which I’ve also studied). They have been our greatest opponents across the board, and I have personally helped to debunk many of the myths that they’ve put forth about men. I will also state that the most egregious, least reasonable, most disruptive women were always feminist, and they all had… Read more »