Once in a while, you come across someone who really doesn’t think things through when they make decisions about romance. The reason I preface the next idea with this should be obvious the second you read it…
It was a friend’s anniversary and he bought his wife a present.
He bought his wife … a calendar from Chick-Fil-A … with cows on the front … working out …
Don’t believe me? Check this out…
Okay, first… When I saw this, I really wanted to believe it was a joke. I REALLY wanted to believe it was a joke. Unfortunately, I caught this conversation that had me almost peeing myself…
Her: “You didn’t even say “Happy Anniversary” to me!”
Him: “What are you talking about? I bought you that calendar!”
This was actually a conversation that occurred on this planet.
Nothing but silence was heard in the kitchen for a while. Whether she tried to smother him and lost her nerve, or just stared at him dumbfounded for the next three minutes is something I never found out.
Second, what would possibly posses someone to buy a calendar for an anniversary present? Wait, I can possibly think of one way to make that work.
In my scenario, your wife opens up the box (yeah the calendar wasn’t gift-wrapped, like that makes a damn bit of difference at this point…) and sees a calendar. She looks at you, wondering which part of your body she’s piercing with an icepick while you’re sleeping.
Then you say, “look at January…”
• She looks at January and in big bright letters, on the 15th, in the middle of the calendar it says (Cruise to Bahamas, 5am, Kids are with Grandma).
• Then she turns to February, on Valentine’s Day, it says “Flight to Paris.” Kids are with Grandma.
• March, it says, “Vacation to Cape Cod. The kids are staying with Grandma.”
• April it says, “Privet Russia, tovarisch. Guess where the kids are, comrade?”
• May, “Flower picking in Austria. Die Kinder sind mit Oma. (The kids are with Grandma.)”
• June, “Red eye to Greece. Nai, ta paidiá exakolouthoún na eínai me ti giagiá. (Yes, the kids are still with Grandma…)”
• July says “4th, Fireworks on Courtney Campbell Causeway, Tampa, Florida… Fine, we’ll take the kids this time. Might as well hit Disney while we’re there. But, the kids are staying in the hotel. No Mickey for them…” (In my fantasies, all calendars are massive…)
• August says “Sailing and SCUBA diving out of Grand Bahama. Are you even really attached to the kids at this point?”
• September says, “Cabin in the Poconos. The kids get their own cabin. Locked. If they can download an iPad app, they can deal with things alone for a few days.”
• October says, “Halloween… The kids can go Trick or Treating and we’ll go to Grandma’s.”
• November says, “Thanksgiving, Bed and Breakfast in Roanoke. The kids can stay in a haunted house from American Horror Story.”
• December says, “No way out of this one. After the presents are opened, the kids go to Grandma’s and we find out who’s been naughty or nice.”
To anyone who is thinking of using this (you’re welcome), make sure the calendar doesn’t have cows working out on the front. This is really the only way I could see a calendar working out for a gift.
A calendar ranks up there on the “great gift” scale with a burned oven mitt and used car part. You’re essentially saying that you love your wife by spraying her in the face with a squirt-bottle containing Hepatitis.
I didn’t even have the heart to ask why he did this. I just spent the next few encounters shaking my head in disappointment and laughing to myself. At what point is your marriage such a non-priotity that getting a calendar from a restaurant seems like a good idea? What’s on the chart for next year, a Trick or Treat bucket from McDonald’s? A puzzle from Wendy’s? A spatula from Bob Evan’s?
At least one of three thoughts were present in this scenario;
1. “F**k it, what’s the worst that could happen?”
2. “You know, I’m really not attached to her anymore.” or
3. “This is an awesome present. I’ve found it. THIS IS IT!”
The last one proves that he has the romantic ability of leukemia.
If you’ve learned anything from this situation, it should be this. Telling your spouse you care about them, especially on your anniversary, is not done at a restaurant that makes you run for the bathroom 30 seconds after you eat. If there’s a gay-rights picket line outside of the building, it’s probably NOT a good place to purchase that special gift.
It comes from knowing your spouse and giving just a little bit of thought to how you can express your marital bond in a meaningful and loving way. If you can’t put at least a little bit of thought into the relationship you have, you don’t deserve to be part of it in the first place.
Oh, and by the way, if you get a calendar with COWS WORKING OUT, an argument could be made that you want her to lose weight. This is a thumbs down decision. But, then again if you’re thinking a calendar is a good anniversary present to begin with, I’m sure that nuance is lost on you. The good news is that birth control won’t be necessary anymore.
Oh and stay away from Chick-fil-a when buying anniversary presents.
Actually, you know what? Just stay away from Chick-fil-a altogether. Wendy’s has better chicken sandwiches.
Cheers, and love on!