I am a Men’s Coach. I have been referred to as a healer, a counselor, and a consultant. But I call myself a Men’s Coach. I made this choice believing that most men would prefer to be coached rather than healed or counseled.
This week I had a long talk with an old friend that has me taking a hard look at the term ‘most men’.
In what felt strangely like an intervention, he took the position (he is a lawyer) that if I wanted to help men then why was I not a teacher and football coach? See, when my friend and I were teenagers we had a football coach who was an amazing teacher and role model. So he wondered, why do I not just replicate that and do what he did? That way I can reach boys/men when they are most receptive to the messages.
He has a valid point. But as I felt into this situation, something came clearer and clearer. He has a valid point. It is his. Maybe for him, his experience was that he was most receptive to the influence of male role models then. Maybe not so much now. And in our talk he had some strong ideas of what ‘most men’ wanted.
It is very difficult to see things any other way than through the prism of our own experience.
I owe my friend a thank you for helping me become more clear on what I am doing. Which is, guiding men through a transition. A transition that is unique to them, but has similarities to what I have been through in the last 15 to 20 years.
Men at the beginning of this transition have done some degree of the following:
- Organized around what they already know and spend a lot of time convincing the world that that is the right way.
- Buried their vulnerability beneath a mask or persona of a tough man.
- Compromised what they really want enough times that they look at what their life has become and say, “I wouldn’t have chosen this.”
And often are living with some of these conditions:
- Jobs with no meaning,
- Shallow personal relationships,
- Intimate relationships lacking quality physical intimacy,
- Poor health,
- Few or no close male friends,
- Anxiety,
- And a general feeling that even though many parts of life are not working or thriving , that is just the way life is. I can not do much about it and I will just keep plugging along.
I know about this because I lived it. I had most of those conditions. Then I got a wake up call. More than one actually. Wake up calls come in all kinds of varieties, some huge, some gradual or subtle. It does not matter. All that matters is my dedication to the following three guiding principles of my life—
- Organized around what they already know and spend a lot of time convincing the world that that is the right way.
- Buried their vulnerability beneath a mask or persona of a tough man.
- Compromised what they really want and go along with other people’s programs to avoid confrontation of turmoil.
—was now exposed.
And the wake up call has us start asking questions like “Is this all there is?”, “What am I doing with myself?” and “How did I end up in this situation?”
When we get to this point we leave the ranks of ‘most men’. We join the ranks of men who are ‘up to something’. And that something is often training ourselves to:
Be Responsible For Our Own Happiness.
My mode of training is coaching men to this place through the principles of:
- Being Open to new: ideas, concepts, people, spirit.
- Deepening connection with their: feelings, body, partner, spirit.
- Being True in their: desires, communications, values, purpose.
This is not new or revolutionary information. It is extremely uplifting to see so many men’s programs and training programs out there that are leading men through this transition using these principles. My experience is that the brave men that have ventured this path are still a small minority of men.
Let us strive for a day when it is untrue that ‘most men’ are afraid, unwilling or not ready to be vulnerable. Let us work toward a world where this transition to mature masculinity is as common as graduating from high school or getting married.
This is the world I want to live in.
—Photo Credit: Flickr/Martin Thomas
This post probably couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I’m certainly one of those “many men” battling through a combination of those transition-type conditions. I’m going through some life-shaking matters of my own that I wouldn’t have imagined 6 months ago. Thanks Tom for sharing your words of wisdom. You’ve earned a new follower.
Do you think it will happen regularly as long as vulnerabilities are not celebrated but are observed, recorded and used against people to gain advantage?