I quit my job last week, technically speaking. But the fact is, the conditions they asked me to meet were so difficult for me to meet, it amounted to the same as being laid off.
At first, it felt like a combination of what I imagine it’s like to be given a cancer diagnosis, being dumped by a lover, and being sent to jail – all on the same day. I think the reason it was so painful is because, it involved a painful letting go of my attachment to thinking of myself as a ‘Good Man’. I realised that a huge part of why I’d been sticking with that job (there was a lot I didn’t like about it) was the affirmation it gave me – in my own eyes, those of friends, and especially those of my wife and her family – as a man who can hold down a proper job; a meaningful job; a well-paid job!
Being fired brought to the surface my fears of being intrinsically ‘bad’ – a kind of toxic shame which I think developed in my childhood, when I was often told by those closest to me that I was no good, doing the wrong things, and generally unworthy of their love and affection; and I’ve been carrying that negative evaluation with me ever since. The feeling of not being ‘good enough’ replicated itself when I went to a school where I didn’t fit in socially or intellectually; and the attitude of being somehow ‘inadequate’ became so ingrained in my sense of myself, that I kept on re-enacting it in a chain of self-fulfilling negative prophecies in my work and in my relationships, until I got to the point a couple of years ago where I knew I needed help and finally went to see a counsellor. With hindsight I wish I’d done it a lot sooner, but like many of the men I know, I was too addicted to the idea that I didn’t need anybody’s help and I would sort things out for myself. But also like everyone else – sooner or later – I eventually realised the life-denying limitations of my instinctive attitude.
Painful as it has been, this experience of being made unemployed has pushed me to a place of deeper self-knowledge, and more acceptance of who I am; that is, a unique but not in any way ‘special’ man, who is doing the best he can and always hoping to improve, with plenty more evolving to do but fundamentally ‘OK’. I’m paying more attention to how I feel about things, and finding out all I can about myself, and about other humans, because I feel that with better understanding and less judgement I can enjoy lie more and begin to fulfil my potential, however modest that is; –free from the limiting needs and insecurities which come from, or are the cause of, trying to live up to other people’s expectations.
I’ve had pause to reflect back over my life and I can see how the constant background sense of being inadequate has translated into underachieving and not feeling I had the right to follow my own goals and inclinations. Always expecting to be disparaged and abandoned, lead me to quit relationships before I was ‘fired’, or engage in liaisons I had little real interest in maintaining. I caused quite a lot of hurt to ex-partners that I regret, and if I could make any amends for it, I would.
The overwhelming impression that’s come through to me is that life is much less complicated that I’ve often chosen to make it. So I’m committing to changing that in myself. Too much time spent ruminating or analysing is not helpful.
I believe the only important choices I have any control over are:
1.To do no harm (Unless it’s unavoidable to achieve a greater good);
2. To make the world a better place in some way if I can (without contravening Rule 1); and
3. To do what `I enjoy (without contravening rules 1. and 2.And for clarity about what constitutes “harm“, or “good“, I check with the people being most affected by my actions.
After that I can only observe and accept whatever follows from those choices – if possible with gratitude, but in any case I’ll know that no other man could have done or been ‘better’.
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