Natalie Vartanian talks about how to explore beyond monogamy.
Even in the year 2013, we continue to look at monogamy (closed relationships) as the only way to be in relationship (or the right way). We grew up thinking getting married, only sleeping with your spouse the rest of your life and having kids was what your relationship should look like.
Yet the divorce rate keeps rising and cheating continues to be a prominent reason for break ups. At the end of the day this is the conclusion I came to:
It is evident that this traditional model for relationships may not be for everyone.
Just for that reason I began taking an honest look at my beliefs about relationships and questioning if they are truly mine or what I adopted from media, society or parents.
It took me looking at my boundaries and baggage when it came to sex from an honest and exploratory place to become more comfortable with unconventional. I was open to seeing for myself what would work and not work when it came to my relationships – both casual and committed.
I got over this feeling that being horny is bad. Or that women should XYZ when it comes to sex (whatever the social rule is around it).
I came to really accept that the the idea of open excites me. I enjoy knowing I may get to have ‘out of the usual’, whether that is trying something new like a threesome with my other half or having a fling with a hottie for a night. I get turned on thinking of or imagining the person I am with having their own sexy experience.
I understand it may frustrate some people or make them super insecure, however for me I am willing to manage my fears and insecurities for this type of payoff.
What shocked me the most when I started talking about my interest in open relationships with my friends and people I would meet was not the reaction from women, but the reaction from men.
Call me crazy but I thought being in an open relationship would be every guy’s wet dream. Turns out, it wasn’t.
What I heard was that the thought (i.e. the visual) of their girlfriend with another guy was too much. Note: Another guy.
Interesting though that if it was another girl, as was the case in a couple of open relationships I encountered, that would be more tolerable or even acceptable. Dichotomy #1.
But maybe they had explored the parameters of what was comfortable in opening their relationship and found the scenario that worked for them.
What was the most frustrating for me, however, was how open relationships are almost looked at as FAKE. At least what I heard a couple of times was “But it’s not like you are in a REAL relationship”. As if the same rules don’t apply.
Spoiler alert: Not only do the same rules apply, but throw in another 25 to 50 new ones.
The fact that there needs to be pretty clear boundaries and a structure in polyamory is contrary to most people’s perceptions that open relationships are super carefree and fuck fests. Dichotomy #2.
You can’t simply throw all caution to the wind and do whatever the hell you want … in any relationship, open or closed.
This may be a shocker to some people but there is constant communication (and I mean, constant) that has to take place in order for both (all) parties in the relationship to feel comfortable, heard and cared for. You need to make sure you are meeting in the middle – it’s called compromise!
On the other hand, I also used to hear from folks, when I told them I was exploring open relationships, that it seemed like a lot of work being in an open relationship. Last I checked, closed relationships were a lot of work too.
The work in an open relationship is simply different. As mentioned before, it is about managing jealousy and insecurity, i.e. the ‘emotional’ part. The question I would get most frequently from my lady friends was “How do you not get attached with a person when becoming intimate with them?”
To me it is not about staying detached and being unemotional. I don’t know about you, but I actually WANT to care about the person I am sleeping with.
You can be intimate with your casual partners even though you are not in a committed relationship with them. Dichotomy #3.
Sure sometimes you could care less about anything but getting off and that is fun too. But for the most part, having sex with a person I do not respect or am fond of really does not appeal to me.
My main trick is I try not to compare. Because the people I am intimate with are not the same. They are different human beings. They fulfill different needs, my primary partner versus any of my casual partners.
I see it more like ‘This experience with my casual partner does not take away from what I feel with/for my boyfriend or the ways in which my boyfriend fulfills me and makes me so happy.’ I have learned about myself a long time ago that I have a LOT of love to give. What I am realizing now is that it will not ‘run out’ if I care for more than one person.
Do jealousies and insecurities pop up from time to time. Hell yeah they do!
Anyone that tells you they don’t experience jealousy is lying or biologically ‘special’. Unless you were born with some genes missing, it is completely normal to experience feelings of fear around your partner leaving you because they prefer someone else.
When those emotions pop up, you identify the jealousy and deal with it appropriately. Ignoring jealousy will inevitably lead to resentment and eventually heartache. Monogamous relationships are not immune to jealousy either.
The difference is opportunities for it to pop up in open relationships are greater. However working through those feelings can be one of the greatest self-esteem boosting tool ever. Dichotomy #4.
There is a great article on jealousy as part of the list of resources included at the end of this post. I know I have used it myself to take a long, hard look at my own feelings of insecurity and it helped to pinpoint what was really going on underneath. Trust me when I say, it had nothing to do with my partner or who he was being intimate with.
For me, I enjoy the freedom, flexibility and fun of an open relationship. As well as the immense growth and learning I experience when in one.
But to each their own. I have never and would never say that everyone needs to be in an open relationship. Just like not everyone needs to be in a closed (monogamous) relationship.
You need to explore for yourself what works for you!
And by all means, if you are curious, experiment! Then you can decide from a place of experience and not assumption.
As promised, the following are some great resources if you are interested in exploring open relationships:
Article: Models of Open Relationships
Article: Managing Jealousy in Open Relationships
Book: The Ethical Slut
Book: Polyamory in the 21st Century
Virtual Self-Guided Course: Open Relationship Design
Be open, be honest and be curious is all I ever ask of anyone in relationship – open, closed or otherwise!
Photo—theslowlane/Flickr
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Natalie is a co-creator of the Open Relationship Design eCourse and a co-host of Sex the Podcast. If you’d like support in creating an open relationship that increases intimacy and deepens trust go to www.openrelationshipdesign.com.
Thank you so much for this article…It’s a bookmark now…I grew up in a polygamist household and there are certain understandings that I have, but they are from the perspective of a child who saw my mother hurt…not of an always emotionally healthy standpoint. My parents have been together for 30+ years…so I’ve seen it hurt and then not hurt so much..Honestly, I don’t have the desire or capacity to have an open relationship and if I did, I don’t think I’d be a fair lover…knowing me, my primary lover would take precedence over my others…and I don’t want anyone… Read more »
I so appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. What I appreciate most however is the fact that you are willing to look at these things and decipher for yourself what is truth and what will work for you (and your partners). This IS scary. Love is scary. Intimacy is scary. But then again, anything in life really worth experiencing or pursuing is scary. 😉 You feel the fear and move through it because what is waiting on the other side is real and rewarding and sweeter than anything ever tasted. You are on the right track my friend! And if you… Read more »
Natalie!!! Yes, thank you so much for writing this fabulous, articulate article! I’ve been supporting the concept of open marriage/relationships for many years, since I was in my early twenties. I am in my mid-thirties now. When I have brought it up to traditional thinkers, most look at me cross-eyed. I always assume, that they assume, I’m a sexoholic and intend to fuck whomever. This is certainly NOT true!! I’ve personally witnessed countless failed marriages and relationships through-out my entire life, most often caused by cheating. I started to question traditional marriage at a young age when I observed how… Read more »
This comment made my day. You have no idea 🙂 I also want to say I really hear you and feel you. Had the same life long conflict around relationships, especially seeing my mom and dad who should never have gotten married or most of the couples around me. I am so glad this can serve as a reference for you and give you the confidence to lead your amazing and unconventional love life! Btw – I agree with you about that sexoholic misconception. I think people are surprised at how rarely I DO sleep with other people when I… Read more »
Hi Natalie
This article makes me confused.
I thought an open marriage was something different from living in an polyamorous family.
Sorry it confused you. Open marriage and being in a polyamorous family are two sides to the same coin. Polyamory (being an open relationship) is the umbrella. You do not have to physically or emotionally only be with one person. How that shows up can be in a myriad of ways. A few examples: – You can have a primary partner (spouse) and have casual partners in conjunction (whether with your partner or separately). – You can choose to have multiple partners where there is no distinction in relationship dynamic. – You can choose to have multiple families living together.… Read more »
Hi Natalie
Sorry for taking up your time:)
Now I have read up a little about it,and looked at some reports. I should have done that before I commented and said I was confused.
My apologies.
You don’t have to apologize silly. 🙂 That is my job! To explain and educate. Well that, and to coach. 😉 Glad you got some clarity around it!
XO,
Natalie
Two wonderful friends of mine have been in a very successful, loving open relationship for over a decade. They’re following most of what is considered the ‘usual’ path – they’ve bought a house, they’re both lawyers, they’re planning on having children in the next few years – and yet are still free to explore their sexuality outside of the relationship. They’re completely inspiring! For me, a lot of very ingrained insecurities of my own would have to be conquered before even considering an open relationship, but I really do think it’s something to aspire to!
I think that is the coolest part about it. They are showing that unconventional does not mean it still is not conventional in some ways! Just because one part of your relationship is done ‘differently’ does not mean the other parts cannot function, thrive, grow. What a cool story. Thanks for sharing. I may have to get their contact info from you since I plan to write a book compiling stories of unconventional couples having loving, healthy relationships to inspire others! Actually if they would be open to it, could you give them my email? [email protected] Thanks for taking the… Read more »
I just got out of my first long term relationship and was considering what my next might look like and polyamory occurred to me. I think I could handle it and the increased chances for jealousy being growth opportunities as you suggested is very exciting for me as I’m on a growth path. Thank you for this post!
That DOES sound exciting John! Plus like anything in life, you really don’t know until you are in it, experiencing it, figuring it out for yourself. I love it. Good luck my friend. And if you ever need support, or some coaching around it, you know where to find me. 😉
XO,
Natalie
Monogomy made more sense before birth control. Great article.
Thanks James! Agreed as to there was a time and place where it made more sense. I also think some people may be more wired to monogamy and some more for polyamory … but jury is still out. I am okay still being in the question. 🙂
XO,
Natalie
“You can be intimate with your casual partners even though you are not in a committed relationship with them.” Thank you for this article. I needed to hear this. I am 30 years old and have had very little, I mean very little sex in my life. I either never had a steady boyfriend to experience this with or have been single most of my life. I have recently decided to embrace my high sex drive and engage in safe, sexual open relationships. We’re taught shame and guilt with feeling horny. We’re socialized to fantasize and romanticize about the one… Read more »
Hey Kash! I am so glad this resonated with you and gave you the confirmation it sounds like you have been searching for. I agree with you regarding the messages we get about sex or ‘the one’ and I am proud of you for embracing and exploring for yourself what all this means. Know that things may change along this path and be even more interesting and amazing than you ever imagined. OR you could say to hell with it, and decide for something completely different. Choice is ultimately yours. Freeing isn’t it? 😉
XO,
Natalie