There are three big reasons married men don’t get laid, so if you’re a married man you’ll want to know what these are and avoid them at all costs.
These three mistakes are so important to a man’s sexual success, I wrote a little e-book about them, called “Reignite Her Passion,” (that you’ll definitely want to read). In that eye-opening book you’ll discover how to quickly overcome these huge mistakes if they are in fact plaguing your sex life.
What I’ll do here is highlight these sexy killers and then I encourage you to get the book (it’s a free download) to discover how exactly to turn them around.
The first mistake is monumental. It’s about believing that you don’t have a sexual choice. In other words, if and when you make love is entirely up to her. You don’t get to decide anything and you certainly don’t get to say “no.”
Believing you don’t have a choice kills your sexual confidence and her desire for you. You have good reasons to believe this myth about choice, but doing so diminishes your beautiful sexual radiance as a man.
The key is to start to know: I have a choice. I will respond to her “yes” or her “no” with love and interest.
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You do have a choice and the sooner you know this the better. Your choice is in how you respond to her choice. If you respond by getting angry, withdrawing or pouting, you’re guaranteed less sex. But if you respond as a dignified, mature sexual man – with love and curiosity you’ll get a lot more sex.
The key is to start to know: I have a choice. I will respond to her “yes” or her “no” with love and interest. I will look for ways to open her that are caring and inventive. I’m well aware that this isn’t an easy endeavor. If it were, every married man would be sexually satisfied. But we need to start somewhere, so awareness of the problem is a first powerful step. Learning how to positively seduce a woman is your next challenge.
There is more on this in Reignite Her Passion, concerning how to to navigate a woman’s desire, which will make a very big difference in how you approach lovemaking.
The second mistake is bargaining for sex. Do you find yourself jumping through hoops like some kind of performer, compromising, even lying in the hopes of getting sex? Do you deny your own wants and needs in order to make her happy?
You want to learn how to read her and how to connect with her in ways that make this kind of one-sided, disconnected sex impossible between you.
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If you do, you’re not alone! Bargaining is one of the most insidious mistakes men make. Your wife will definitely know if this is what you’re up to and it will make her deny you closeness and sexual satisfaction. Why? It feels dishonest and manipulative to her. It feels like you’re trying to sell her something. Think car salesman and what your reaction would be.
What you need to do is stop, now. Insist on sexual integrity by never making deals for sex. Insist on being honest with yourself about what you say “yes” to. Learn to say “no,” when needed. Decide you will commit to this each day in order to take back your dignity.
The third mistake is engaging in non-consensual sex. This means taking sex where she is not really involved, where her heart is not in it. You know when this is happening but sometimes you pretend you don’t.
This behavior can be very damaging for your marriage. When you take handouts or “scraps” she tells herself you’re all about the sex and that you don’t really love her. She also learns to tolerate sex and you as her lover. Obviously this does not position you as an attractive lover and needs to be eradicated.
What you do want to do instead is to learn to seduce her in ways that feel good to her and to you. You want to learn how to read her and how to connect with her in ways that make this kind of one-sided, disconnected sex impossible between you. If she’s feeling close to you and you to her, this kind of compromise can’t transpire.
I go into a lot more detail in Reignite Her Passion on how to do this. And if you would like even more information on the dance of seduction, do get a copy of my book, Open Her, where I share a lot more on how to seduce a woman and how to be a sexually dignified man she can’t resist.
Simply stopping these three behaviors and becoming aware of your choices will change you as a sexual man. You deserve to feel equally important in your sex life and to feel powerful to create the outcomes you most desire. That begins with recognizing how and when you give your dignity away, and how to reclaim it.
It’s key to create a balance of power in love with a woman — that has her feeling respect and desire for you — because you embody it and it’s who you are.
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Photo: Getty Images
Hi Karen
This is advice to men .
As a woman I know , at least it is my personal experience that this issue often are far more complicated than what you make it seem here.
I understand very well if men respond negatively to article like this one .
And I also wonder it lots of men actually bargain for sex?
Bargain for sex when they are married ?
” I will respond to her “yes” or her “no” with love and interest. I will look for ways to open her that are caring and inventive. “ Which leads us straight into mistake No 2: “The second mistake is bargaining for sex. May I ask, the way you set it up, what is the woman’s role in all this, except to be seduced and a “supplier” when properly handled? We also have the choice to turn away and stop playing the game altogether. Especially a game where we are told repeatedly from the start that it is rigged to… Read more »
Flyingkal “May I ask, the way you set it up, what is the woman’s role in all this, except to be seduced and a “supplier” when properly handled?” Do you think little girls ,the heterosexual ones ,grow up into adulthood and then get married without ever thinking of how to please her man,how to behave , and look to get loved ? Do you think she never have men on her mind, and questions how to deal with men the best way possible Flyingkal? Sweden is not perfect but it certainly is not the U.S. with is far more traditional… Read more »
Iben, Hi. Again. I have absolutely no experience in being a woman or a little girl, so I have no intention or pretence to speak on their behalf, or even trying to guess what they think about, before or after getting married, or even thinking about getting married at all. I asked the author for her thoughts about the role of the woman in the relationship, since it is her (the author) who sets up the woman to be the responder and hence the judge of the man’s actions and the “gatekeeper”. “Sweden is not perfect but it certainly is… Read more »
Godt Nyttår Flyingkal! Yes I guess there are more diversity in the U.S. than in our small countries with its heavy preassue towards conformity. At least it is so in society . The way I understand this article is simply that as a coach ( or therapist ) for men she gives advise to men,and not to women . Women are not here clients. But let’s not presume Karen her is stupid. And let’s not presume she thinks men are stupid . Because they are not :). Of course both spouses in a marriage are responsible for how relationship .… Read more »
My iPad changes my words. Sigh .
I wrote
” her strategy is better “
Hi again, Iben, You raise quite a few points, and I will pick them up one by one and try to address them. I hope that is okay with you? ” The way I understand this article is simply that as a coach ( or therapist ) for men she gives advise to men,and not to women . Women are not here clients. But let’s not presume Karen her is stupid. And let’s not presume she thinks men are stupid .” I certainly not presume that Karen is stupid, and whether or not she thinks men are stupid is really… Read more »
Flyingkal Karen herself has to tell us what she means by the concept barging . “I was also curious about parts of her article that I found to be rather contradictive, the parts I quoted in my first response. You see, “bargaining” in my world means that you give something to get something. And bargaining for sex within a relationship, most people (especially women) seem to agree that it is a turnoff and a BIG no-no!” I don’t see bargaining for sex as “giving something to get something ” Bargaining can be , a man that say I will buy… Read more »
Iben, I must admit I don’t get it. ”I don’t see bargaining for sex as “giving something to get something ” Bargaining can be , a man that say I will buy you a fur coat if you fuck me every day the next year.” In what way do you mean that buying a fur coat to get sex is NOT “giving something to get something”? Isn’t that in reality the poster definition of bargaining?! Of course it is terrible. But if you look one step further, it is basically what men are told to do, in article after article… Read more »
So once again another article detailing how a couples messed up sex life is the man’s fault. Based of what’s been said here why bother even remaining committed. If you want her sexually that turns her off and if you don’t want her that turns her off and probably makes her suspect your cheating. It’s another no win situation. We can’t win or even tie so why bother?
Issac
“We can’t win or even tie so why bother ?”
Because it is hard to live a good fulfilling life if you choose to give up on love and deliberate arrange your life so that you always will push love away.
One day ,at the end of your life you might look lack and regret all your stupid choices .
Pushing love away can be one of the choices you may regret on your last days.
One day it is too late.
How can I regret not engaging in something where I am set up to lose from start? I’ve asked that question so many times to several different women who question why I don’t bother. They all avoid answering the question and I’m beginning to to suspect why it’s because it mean that some women won’t get to benefit from my success if I should ever achieve any. It has nothing to do with happiness but the personal or should hold I say financial benefit of a woman. Whenever I suggest that she lives a financially independent life it gets snickers… Read more »
Issac “It has nothing to do with happiness but the personal or should hold I say financial benefit of a woman.” I obviously misunderstood your comment Issac. I guess you mean the great risk you take finically if you get married ? I live in a country than you with different laws about marriage , divorce . So here the risk is smaller but any divorce when you have children are difficult no matter where in the world you live. Most young people in Scandinavia just live together and wait with marriage until they are much much older . Women… Read more »
My reasons are both economic and emotional. Here in the US i can be easily screwed over by the court system if my girlfriend or wife gets bored of me and decides to leave. I just witnessed one friend nearly get arrested for fake accusation of domestic violence, luckily her story fell apart due to him being out of states at the time. The notion off paying my ex to be my ex and the threat off for false imprisonment aren’t good thoughts. The second reason of emotion of having to put in a lot work emotional and just to… Read more »
Issac I have absolutely no experience of what it like to be a 24 year old man in the U.S. today. I see only two other options ( and remember I live overseas and don’t really know what I am talking about here…) 1: Do as the rest of us. Learn the skills to super fast distinguish between sincere good honest persons and those that only will give you trouble if you let them into your life. This is easier said than done . I know all to well. 2: Or you can emigrate to a country where men and… Read more »