Four little words uttered by Victim 4 during the Jerry Sundusky sentencing spoke volumes.
For several days, one sentence has continued to trouble me: “I’ll never forgive you.” Those words were spoken by the man identified only as Victim 4 at the Jerry Sandusky sentencing on October 9, 2012. His words say several things to me.
The most obvious is that he expresses the pain that comes from betrayal. At the trial itself, Victim 4 and other survivors referred to the gifts and personal attentiveness from Sandusky, who became their role model. Then came the molestation. Until it began, Sandusky may have probably been the most trusted man in their lives. His wooing them through seductive actions and evil motives caused an unrelenting pain that still remains.
Perhaps the words are also an unconscious cry to the perpetrator to admit what he did. If I faced my perpetrator and shouted those words, it would signify a plea: “Please tell me you’re sorry for how deeply you wounded me. Help me understand why you hurt me.” When the victimizer is someone we admire and love, the hurt becomes far more intense.
The words also speak of despair. What Victim 4 lost as a boy—his innocence—won’t ever be restored, even if his perpetrator confesses. As a survivor of sexual molestation, I know how abuse affects us for life. We can be emotionally shattered and unable to trust others. We can be suspicious of the motives when someone treats us kindly. We can push away many good people because one bad person took advantage of our naïveté and youth.
Possibly the words are also a threat. It’s as if to say, “You want absolution for your wrongdoing but you’ll never, never get it from me.” They seem like words to withhold forgiveness and that will punish the guilty. The words mean we carry the pain and refuse to offer compassion for the wrongdoer. I call myself a serious Christian, and many of my peers would jump on Victim 4′s words and insist, “You must forgive him.” But if I could speak to Victim 4, I’d say, “Feel your pain. You don’t have to release it until you’re ready. As you move forward in your own healing, perhaps the day will come when you’ll shed your anger and freely offer your forgiveness, even if you never tell him.”
“Number 4, grieve as long as you need to. There’s no need to push yourself toward letting go. If and when you’re ready, you won’t need prodding.”
–By Cecil Murphey.
Cecil Murphey is the author of When a Man You Love Was Abused. His follow-up book, Not Quite Healed will be released in February 2013. He is also the author or co-author of more than 100 books including The New York Times’ best-seller 90 Minutes in Heaven.
Photo credit: Flickr / bixentro
“I’ll never forgive you.” If I was sitting with Victim 4 now and he said “I Will Never Forgive Him” my response would be “That’s Great”. (Punches Air) I find that refreshingly positive and candid. I’m tired of the Judeo/Christian Theological Tropes of forgiveness, because there are a subset of humans to which they simply do not apply. So many have become trapped an imprisoned in their own Binary View of There is Good Or Evil, they keep empowering people like Sandusky to abuse and get away with it! There is this whole fairytale line that runs about being a… Read more »
Why forgive the unrepentant? Why make your own healing contingent upon being able to first forgive? One CAN heal without forgiving, and a rush to forgive someone who shows no remorse is frankly unhealthy.
Stake not steak
I don’t want to minimize what this person feels or the weight of what they said. But do you think he really cares. He destroyed their lives, their families lives. Did whatever he wanted to them. And now all they can say is I don’t forgive you… This man should have his hands feet and genitals cut off and be put on a steak in the middle of the city so everyone can see… But all he gets is I don’t forgive you. This is what we call justice.
They have also put him in prison for the rest of his life….