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When parents get divorced, it’s bound to affect their children in some way. Often, these effects are negative but – provided the parents handle the situation effectively – they’re rarely long-lasting. When a child’s parent manages the situation poorly, though, the exact opposite is true, and their parent’s divorce can bring about any number of detrimental conditions including anxiety disorders, depression, dependency and more. How do I know? Because my father’s behavior post-divorce left me feeling insecure, angry and unable to trust others for several years. That said, when I reflect on this dispassionately and objectively, I also believe it’s helped me to be a better parent.
My father’s biggest mistake was that he was unwilling to let go of the pain divorce had caused him. He blamed my mother for the end of their marriage and had no desire or motivation to forgive her. In turn, this led to resentment which manifested itself in the form of verbal criticism that was communicated to me on a regular basis, leaving my six-year-old self feeling confused and anxious.
To make matters worse, my father was a staunch disciplinarian lacking in patience. He no longer saw my mother and I’m certain that the frustrations he felt were often taken out on me with him consistently berating her parenting and lifestyle choices when I was there. Like my mother, I too was consistently subjected to criticism though, unlike my mother, I was present for every hurtful word. On reflection, I know that these actions originated from a man who needed help to manage his anger; to forgive perceived wrongdoings against him – but this was not apparent to me as a child and my father’s behavior left me emotionally damaged for nigh-on two decades.
Eventually, growing tired of the fact that the aforementioned damage severely hindered my ability to form meaningful relationships, I sought help and learned how to deal with my anger, low self-esteem and anxiety. This provided the perspective I desperately needed and helped me to realize that my father and I had a shared emotional experience: we’d both been hurt and this had resulted in us both having pushed people away. Whilst I had sought and found the help I needed, however, he had not.
Having discovered that I was going to be a parent just under four years ago, I panicked. Would I harm my child’s emotional wellbeing as my father had mine? This was a thought that caused me many sleepless nights; I dreaded doing to my child what my data had done to me – in spite of the fact that our circumstances are very different.
I was – and still am – in an established and stable marriage. We’d also planned our pregnancy and, initially, I’d felt ready for fatherhood. Soon after discovering we’d successfully conceived, however, I began to feel a creeping sense of anxiety that gradually worsened to the point where the confidence I had previously felt about becoming a parent completely evaporated – until I recalled lessons I’d learned previously during therapy.
In order to avoid my father’s mistakes, I simply needed to remember how he behaved and do everything within my power to reflect on my behavior and be honest with myself. In a way, I was lucky to possess experiences of how not to parent; to have a framework which I could develop and improve as I learned more. Yes, parenting is still a daunting experience at times, but by alleviating my anxieties and knowing that I will always do my best for my now three-year-old daughter, I’m also able to enjoy being her dad – something that is truly wonderful and that would not have been possible if I had not dealt with my anxieties and forgave my dad for his mistakes.
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Photo by Alex Guillaume on Unsplash