I didn’t think you would be this intense, this visceral. You arrived with an updated operating system and a heightened awareness of how big of an impact you can have. You have infiltrated the deepest parts of my heart and shrunken the surrounding area; like a thick smoke in a small, unventilated space. You’ve been impossible to ignore and equally difficult to corral. You were the furthest emotion from my mind when I first heard her laugh, but nevertheless, here you are: new and improved.
I’ve reached the point where you’ve exhausted me. If I can’t make you go away right now, we must learn to coexist. I respect you, but if we are going to be sharing space for a little while, I am setting some ground rules: you will not dictate every interaction I have or determine every choice I make. I will let you have your moments, so I can move through you. In fact, I am going to turn our current companionship into fuel for creative expression and harness it moving forward. This give-and-take must be equal.
My feelings for you are complicated. It seems only fitting, as you are the most intricate of all the emotions I have known. The two of us have met before, but this time you really made yourself at home. You came in the form of a stunning woman and an even more beautiful soul. Your authenticity was exhilarating! I was so sure that you had finally come to stay that I forgot to hold you lightly. Instead of simply feeling you, I became you and it was an entirely transformational experience.
Yet, I am having a hard time separating your existence from her presence. Are you a fleeting transcendence that will never be accessible again? Wait, that can’t be right. If you are mighty enough to evolve from a feeling into an actual way of being, you have to be bigger than her and me. With such an immeasurable impact, you must play a large part in the architecture and expression of our world. Perhaps the whole reason she entered my life was to remind me that I should always believe in you.
I have never enjoyed our time together or felt even remotely comfortable around you. When you’ve come calling lately, I’ve instigated a game of hide-and-seek, albeit one that is rigged in my favor. I put you in a separate room and lock the door, thinking that you’ll get the hint and kindly let yourself out via the fire escape. I’ve been wrong. By choosing the path of ignorance, you only fester and permeate and I feel worse. I am only now realizing that the sickness I’ve felt inside is entrenched in my contempt for you.
The truth is, I am scared of you. You intimidate me with your unpredictable strength. And yet, I am beginning to realize that I must give you your time. You have every right to be here and are just as valid as all of my other emotions. I promise to feel you when I need to, with the knowledge that to feel you is to unfasten your restraints. However, you and I need to come to an agreement on how you can express yourself in a healthy way. Let’s discover how we both can reach the liberation we crave by a means rooted in positive release.
You are the great mystery! Well, mystery isn’t really the right word; elusive is far more appropriate. When you are in the driver’s seat, I have complete faith in the awareness that I will end up exactly where I am supposed to be. When I look back on the happiest moments of my life, you were the one navigating. While you are in charge, I am greeted by a serene wind that echoes across the plateaus of my being. The air is warmer with you around and I feel chilled to the bone in your absence.
It’s been a while since you and I have taken an extended trip so I am inviting you back. I am creating the space for you again. Other emotions are going to come with us because I cannot seem to shake some of the heavier ones. Nevertheless, that is where you come in: you are designated driver and the one in command. With your guidance, our journey will be an ideal symmetry of new discoveries and familiar reminders. I am going to take the leap and put faith in your ability to catch me.
You know how much I love telling stories, so I ask you to indulge me one last time. I was driving past a park the other day, lost in the brutal chaos of my emotional battlefield, when I got caught at a stoplight. I saw a family out for a walk and a little boy holding onto a red balloon. As he looked up to the sky, he began to loosen his grip. The string traveled through his hand and just as the balloon reached its apex, the boy held on. For a moment, they were still tethered to one another. And then, with a look of joyous wonderment and an enthusiastic wave, he opened his hand and the balloon was on its way. He didn’t let it go, but rather, he set it free. The difference of intention is where I find my peace in all of this.
In letting you go, my heart is resigned to a feeling of incompletion and a careening sense of loss. By setting you free, my heart, while still raw, is empowered by its true gift: the ability to turn the empty night sky into a kaleidoscope of effervescent color. Our hearts are separate facilitators of love, which means we must place faith in our own capacity to shine. We are simply mirrors, reflecting our own expression of love back to each other. If our relationship was a passionate dance, it was made possible by the vibrant melodies emanating from our individual hearts. You and I have the power to supply the music to our own separate dances as we move forward. Thank you for showing me how to sing. I am forever grateful.