One of the hardest things for many men to do is to simply talk to attractive women. It’s hard enough simply making that first approach, but once you get there, what the hell do you say? Worse, you have your opener planned out but for some reason, there’s a disconnect between your brain and your mouth. You know that you have the eloquence of a modern day Baudelaire, but when you open your mouth, all that comes out is gibberish. How are you supposed to talk to this woman when it seems like English has become your second or third language?
Trying to talk to attractive women is – not surprisingly – pretty intimidating. The stakes feel so much higher than just shooting the shit with your friends and you feel like you need to bring your A-game. Worse, your brain short-circuits. The old joke that guys have enough blood to run the penis or the brain but not both may be hacky… but it’s not entirely wrong. Studies suggest that talking to attractive women really does make you stupid – at least temporarily.
So how do you learn to overcome being a blithering idiot and start talking to attractive women like it was no big deal?
Make Eye Contact
The first rule of talking to attractive women is simple: her eyes are up here.
This isn’t about not talking to her boobs – although that’s important, too. It’s simply that, if you want to make the right impression on someone, you’re going to need to make strong eye contact when you talk to them. Eye contact is an incredibly powerful tool when it comes to generating rapport with people. In fact, making strong eye-contact has been known to actually make strangers fall in love. Not looking someone in the eye when you’re talking to them destroys your charisma. It sends all the wrong messages to the person you’re trying to connect with. At best, you’re betraying that you have no confidence or sense of your own value. If you don’t have the belief that you have something to offer, then why the hell should she?
At worst… you’re bored by her or there are other things out there that are more important to you than she is.
That’s why you need to make eye contact: you’re not trying to stare your way into somebody’s pants, you’re simply trying to convey the right message. And that message is “I’m giving you my full attention.”
That’s actually important. Attractive women rarely get somebody’s undivided attention; most people talking to them are a little… distracted. Guys have a tendency to be thinking about what they want to be doing to her rather than actively listening. And if they’re not picturing the happy naked funtimes, they’re waiting for their chance to talk rather than actually listening. One of the easiest ways to show that you’re fully present and giving them the attention they deserve? Looking them in the eyes. The most charismatic men use eye contact as a way to make someone feel like the most fascinating person in the world.
But it goes beyond just making contact when you’re listening… you want to make contact when you’re talking too. How you use your eyes is just as important as your words. Your eyes add layers of nuance and meaning to what you say – narrowing your eyes to make a serious point, raising your eyebrows to emphasize positive or exciting moments, looking up and away as a playful dismissive gesture and so on.
Yes, making eye contact can be difficult, especially if you’re shy, socially awkward or on the autism spectrum. The good news is that you can improve with practice. Practice looking characters in the eye when you watch TV. Spend some time looking at yourself in the mirror and maintaining eye contact. Work at looking at one eye or softening your focus enough to see both at once. And yeah, you want to try to get used to looking at their eyes, not their eyebrow or nose. It’s an important part of how you forge a connection with someone.
Don’t Impress, Connect
One of the mistakes guys tend to make is that they try to be as impressive as possible when they’re talking to attractive women. They puff themselves up and strut around like peacocks, trying to wave their plumage around.
A lot of guys focus on the idea that women only like “high status” men – the more attractive she is, the higher status you need to be. As a result, their idea of flirting is the dating equivalent of reading off their resume. Drop enough names or subtle references to the awesome things you’ve done and she’s sure to want you, right?
Not really. Selling yourself has its time and place – and there’re ways to do it in an attractive manner – but it’s a bad way to win someone over. And what if you don’t have the most awesome job or that six-figure paycheck? If you don’t hobnob with the celebrities or discover ruined temples for fun, are you shit out of luck?
The mistake is that “being impressed” isn’t the same as “being attracted to”. First of all, trying to impress someone can come off as being needy. Consider, say, someone who can’t stop talking about how much money they make or how many people supposedly showed up to his rallies. The more they go on about how impressed you should be, the more it becomes clear that they’re desperate for the approval of others. That constant litany of “Look at this! Look at this!” tells others that you’re papering over a pretty big hole in your life.
Just as importantly, however, is that impressing someone doesn’t translate to “dateable.” You may be good on paper, but that has very little to do with chemistry or how you make someone feel. That awesome job or the incredible vacations are nice, but they don’t translate to making someone want to spend time with you.
On the other hand, can you make someone feel like you’ve known each other for years? Can you make them feel good about themselves? Do you make her laugh like nobody else can? Do they feel like you get them on an incredibly deep level? That is going to make you absolutely magnetic to them. The guy with the Maybach is cool and all, sure. And the dude flashing his money around will certainly get people’s attention.
But what people remember more than anything else is how someone made them feel. This is why the guy who spreads good feelings around to others is going to be more attractive and charismatic than the dude with bottle service at the club. That emotional connection you create? The way you make them smile? That’s going to be what makes you stand out from everyone else.
This is why the next rule is…
Don’t Talk About Yourself (Too Much)
One of the most common mistakes guys make when talking to anyone? They act like an opera singer warming up – it’s all “me me me me me me” all the time. It’s not that surprising – talking about ourselves is literally one of the most pleasurable things we can do. Problem is, that’s not a great way to connect with someone else. This takes a conversation and turns it into a competition: who’s going to get their turn to talk first? How can you turn whatever they just said into something about you? Are they going to appreciate how oh so clever your latest reference was?
On the other hand, putting the focus on her is going to make her feel special. We rarely meet people who honestly want to know what we think or what we have to say. This is doubly true for attractive women; most men spend more time trying to talk their way into their pants instead of their heads. Taking the opportunity to really get to know her? That’s going to feel really good. And the better you make her feel, the more she’s going to like you.
But if you’re going to ask her questions, you have to ask the right ones. Everybody asks the same surface questions: what do you do for a living, where do you live… it’s played out. It’s boring. The problem is, we gravitate towards those safe questions, not because we actually want to talk about the last movie we saw but because we’re afraid to talk about what we’re actually interested in. It’s easier to keep the conversation going but it’s not terribly interesting.
So you’re going to want to do what other people won’t: you want to get deep. Personal. Possibly even a little controversial. Asking more personal questions may feel a little intimidating, but they actually help you connect on an intimate and powerful level. Sharing secrets, even being a little vulnerable is more interesting and far more enjoyable.
Some questions you might want to consider:
- Is there a place they want to visit that’s on their bucket list?
- What’s the most important thing she’s accomplished in her life?
- Has she ever broken someone’s heart?
- Would she want to be famous? What would she want to be famous for?
- What would she do if she had total freedom and no chance of failure?
- If she could wake up with one superpower, what would it be?
- What’s the best thing about her job? What’s the worst?
Of course, this doesn’t mean you can just ask questions. You want to get their interest, not interview them for Nightline. Larry King isn’t exactly known as the last of the red-hot lovers after all…
Treat it like you’re passing a ball back and forth. Her answer is how she passes the ball to you. Take it, find a way to relate to it and then pass it back via another question.
In fact, this opens up an important opportunity for you when talking to attractive women…
Look for “Me Too’s”
If you want to really get someone interested in you? Show them how much you have in common. Think of how often you’ve been talking to somebody and it just doesn’t click… but then they mention they like the same book as you or love that same obscure cartoon that you dug growing up. Suddenly they’re fascinating to you and you’re on track to become best friends. Dropping a random movie quote can be one of the ways you find your people. How many of you have said “Eastman… he comes from the east…” to see if somebody will finish the quote for you? Or perhaps “Not on Rex Manning Day!”
We instinctively like people who are like us. In fact, even just having one thing in common makes us feel like we have other shared interests. The more you have in common, the more she’s going to feel comfortable with you. The more comfortable she feels, the more attracted she’ll become.
So while you’re asking questions and getting to know this woman, you want to look for any opportunity you can to say “me too!” Ideally, the more specific the commonality the better – after all, finding out you both love the same random mixed drink or went to the same school means you have more in common than “yeah, we both like food.”
This is one of the reasons why bouncing questions back as part of the conversation is important: it gives you opportunities to say “yeah! Me too!” before taking it deeper. You may not like the exact same thing – you’ve never been spelunking, for example – but you can find ways of relating. You like adventure, too, or travelling to places off the beaten path.
Every time you find a commonality, leap on it. Share something about yourself relating to it, then ask her for her thoughts on the subject. Why does she like it? What was her favorite part? Find those chances to say “Yes! Exactly!” because the more the two of you are People Who Get It, the more likely you are to be People Who Get Busy, too.
Don’t Want To Get Nervous When Talking To Attractive Women? Let Go of Outcomes
Of course, all of this is pointless if you can’t get past that initial intimidation when it comes to talking to the hottie that caught your eye. While there’s certainly charm in being a little nervous – adorkable is a thing for a reason – you don’t want to get so hung up on her that you can’t speak.
The key to not being nervous – or at least as nervous – around attractive women? Let go of any outcome.
Yeah, I know. That seems like it’s missing the entire point of talking to them. But think about it for a second. Part of why we get so nervous is because we want a specific outcome. We focus like a laser on this one goal so that it’s all we can think of. It looms over us like a bad smell, coloring everything we do. We gauge everything based around how near or far we are to that goal. Instead of being present in the moment, we’re analyzing every word that comes out of her mouth and studying every gesture or facial twitch for meaning like it’s the Rosetta Stone. As a result: we’re an uptight, anxious mess.
Letting go of any expected outcomes, on the other hand, sets us free. Yeah, it’d be great if we got her number or got a date out of this. But if you don’t? Then hey: you got to talk to a hot woman! That in and of itself is progress. You have a chance to enjoy yourself and learn to be more comfortable around attractive women – seeing them as people not these intimidating beings that leave you dry-mouthed and shaking.
So give up your expectations and just be present when you’re talking to someone you think is hotter than a four alarm fire. Let the experience be a reward in and of itself. This will free you to be your best and most charming self. And who knows… it very well might be the start of something amazing.
This article originally appeared on Doctor Nerd Love
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