In my last piece, I addressed what boundaries were, i.e., limits we place around our energy, time, money, relationships and selves — so that we can fully show up for the things we value. Two of the things my clients find very difficult when initially forming boundaries, is translating the general concept of a boundary to a more specific set of principles and with holding in mind the dialectic — or tension — between their own needs and those of other people.
The majority of us know about SMART goals and I like to use a similar conceptualisation when discussing boundaries. Let’s look at SMART boundaries to help us work out how to form a good boundary.
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A Good Boundary Needs to be SPECIFIC.
If you cannot articulate it to yourself clearly in a sentence, then it is not at the stage of a fully-formed boundary yet. Ideally, to make a boundary specific, you need to be able to state who, what, when and where (forget the why — that is for you to note for yourself). For instance, some of my boundaries relate to how contactable I am by phone. I have an intense job and often require quiet time to rest, reflect, care for myself, exercise and write (i.e., the why).
My personal boundaries around personal phone availability are “I am not always available to talk on demand. I will usually call you back within 24 hours and will respond to a text when I am free to do so. I will respond quicker in an emergency that involves illness, injury or psychological need. I prefer not to be contacted more than once by telephone at a given time unless the parameters of the relationship are close enough to hold that (i.e., close friends and family can call me multiple times if I don’t respond the first time). I don’t answer the phone after 9 pm unless there is an emergency.”
I have a different set of phone boundaries for clients, these include, “I don’t provide therapy by phone but I am happy to try and make myself available in an emergency or crisis. I am not available 24/7 and will take up to 24 hours to call you back, or longer if over a weekend. I don’t make phone calls when on leave but will tell you when I am going on leave so you are fully prepared. I am not equipped to provide immediate crisis support but can work with you on a plan in session to manage these situations”. Can you see how specific these boundaries are and how they leave little room for confusion, for me or other people?
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A Good Boundary is MUTABLE.
Mutable boundaries are boundaries that are flexible, contextual and person-dependent. Typically, when people start to first consider and implement boundaries, they are very rigid about it and have all-or-nothing boundaries (I did this too — don’t stress). Typically, if a boundary contains the word “always” or “never”, it worth be worth considering whether they are too rigid. There are some notable exceptions though — largely around being physically safe and not allowing someone to hurt you. A mutable boundary is one that considers:
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a. The context — Is the situation one that necessitates a different response or boundary to your usual set of boundaries? An example might be if a friend’s partner is very ill and they need more support and time than you are usually able to provide to friendships.
b. The other people involved — How close, or not close, are you to the people you have this boundary with? What are their ages? How reliant on you are they? Boundaries with children necessarily have to be very different to boundaries with adults, but nevertheless, we can still have boundaries with older children (e.g., when the door is closed, please knock).
c. Where YOU are at — Sometimes my boundaries get tighter with certain people when I have observed recurrent patterns of boundary pushing or disrespect, and sometimes they get tighter because I am tired and need to protect my energy. Nothing dramatic — this would likely just look like not making social plans over a set time period, being less available by phone or only seeing a small handful of very close people and (kindly) saying no to invitations from other people. Sometimes my boundaries will become looser, based on the needs of people in my life or my own capacities.
You don’t have to have the same boundaries all of the time, or even the same boundaries for all the people.
Relationships are flexible and have a natural dynamism and it is important to allow boundaries to move as relationships change.
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Good Boundaries, Are ABOUT YOU.
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Often, my clients start this work by thinking that boundaries are about the behaviours other people can or cannot exhibit toward them. They may say things like “you can’t say that to me, because it crosses my boundaries.” This way of thinking about boundaries is somewhat ineffective for two simple reasons; a. we have zero control over what other people can do and b. we would be crossing boundaries ourselves if we started to tell people how they should live their lives.
A good boundary recognises this and is thus tailored to be about you and about defining limits around your energy, time, money, resources and behaviours you find acceptable. Some good questions to think about as you set boundaries that are about you:
What do I value in life?
What do I want to say yes to?
What drains me?
What sort of behaviours make me angry or upset?
What do I need to protect?
Turning these into boundaries focused on you is relatively simple — good phrasing to use is “This is what I like/this is what I accept”, “I am not ok with X”, “If you do X, I will have to end this interaction” (I save this one for abusive or threatening behaviours), “I am not comfortable with X”, “I cannot commit to X right now”, “I can’t do X, but I can do Y”.
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Good Boundaries Are REASONABLE.
Reasonable is a tricky concept to define, because the boundaries of reasonable vary from person to person and between cultures. In general, when trying to define this concept, I remember that it is culture dependent and I try and use the ‘average person’ test, a common concept used in forensic psychology (i.e., what would an average and reasonable person from this culture think of this?)
I think it is very important to consider the cultural nuances of this, because boundaries in collectivist cultures vary hugely from those in more individualist cultures. I am always reminded of this when I meet another person of Indian origin and am very quickly asked what my parents do for work and whether I am married/have children within the first five minutes of acquaintance! I like to use this concept when asking something of someone, or deciding whether to say yes to a request (e.g., I would consider asking a plant lover to look after plants while travelling, but would not ask a childfree and single person to babysit children for a few days, unless they have demonstrated a stated willingness to do so.)
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Good Boundaries Are TALKED THROUGH.
In addition to being specific, mutable, about you and reasonable — good boundaries are talked through. This may sometimes mean negotiated within a relationship, or it could simply mean expressed. If you don’t tell someone else what boundaries you hold (this conversation usually comes up naturally in most relationships at some stage) then they are left guessing and expectations and wires often remain crossed.
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I once had a friend who expected unconditional support within our friendship. My preferences within relationships often sit on the balancing line between honesty and support — I tend to find it disingenuous and exhausting to only be supportive when honesty may instead be called for. I was not great at expressing my boundaries at that time and thus just sat on this without saying anything clear. Meanwhile, each time I was honest (and honesty often bubbled out of me fuelled by some resentment at her demands), she became upset — and the friendship eventually ended over this and a range of other factors. I have learnt since then, that it is not a relational boundary unless I have the courage to express it. I want to be very clear that we don’t enter relationships with an announcement of our boundaries (“Hi, my name is Ahona, my boundaries include no comments about my body shape and no phone calls after 9 pm” has a certain ring to it, yes?) but any relationship that progresses past the space of casual acquaintance will usually involve a series of boundary and role negotiations.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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