No exact statistics are available, but according to U.S. News & World Report, approximately 95% of marriages in India are arranged, and divorce is almost unheard of.
Myparents had an arranged marriage. Actually, there are no love marriages in my entire family.
The concept of arranged marriages has also somewhat changed. Now you get to meet and talk to your to-be partner before deciding. You can refuse if you don’t think the match is suitable for you. Marriages during my parents’ and grandparents’ time were different.
How my parent’s marriage was arranged is a long story and needs an article of its own. For now, their parents arranged their marriage. My mother and father didn’t even see each other, let alone talk before their wedding.
In my grandparents’ case, someone from the village decided their marriage. In my parents’ case, at least someone in their family had seen their partner. But in my grandparents’ case, not even family members knew what other person looked like, which was very common in the 1940s. So, even my grandfather’s family has not seen my grandmother and vice versa.
My parents married on 10-February,1995. After one or two failed attempts by my dad to contact my mom before marriage, he stopped too.
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If you ask them if it was awkward. They will say it was like they already knew each other. They used to talk a lot from the first day, and it was never awkward after they met. I can’t understand how it’s possible, but it is. And I don’t have to understand it for it to be true.
My mother was 18 and my father was 23 at the time of their marriage. During their time it was common to be married young. Now, after 26 years of their marriage, they are still going strong.
People are flawed and hence no relationship is perfect, but if my relationship ends up like theirs, I’ll be thrilled.
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Here are some things I’ve learned from them watching them together. The essentials for a successful relationship —
Opposite do attract
It was not like their nature was the same, so the chemistry between them was good. I would say that they are completely different, except for one or two things.
My mother is an over-thinker and talks a lot. My father keeps reminding her not to overthink everything and listens to what she is saying.
My father is a closed person and my mother keeps reminding him, successfully, to share what’s on his mind. They have grown up together, completing each other.
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Unconditional Love
I think it’s an obvious one. For any marriage, love is essential. Not just for marriage, but for any relation. Even in friendship, the fundamental aspect is love. We all have lists of attributes we want in our partner. In most cases, people can tell you, you rarely get what you thought.
Love is accepting other people with all their qualities — good or bad. You can’t just take the good and expect them to change everything you don’t like.
My parents didn’t even know who they are marrying, and they accepted each other even before getting married. They knew their marriage will bound them to some person, and they gave their heart to each other even before seeing each other. Seeing them together for 26 years, I know this is true.
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Communication is the key
After 26 years they can communicate in looks. One look, they know what other one is thinking, and it happens when you live with someone for so long. But it was not always like this.
One thing they had to struggle with is not knowing anything about each other. Getting to know each other with the responsibilities of a family and kids is very hard.
My father says they’re still learning new things about each other. Because it was hard to find too much time to talk in privacy and now they have time so they talk, so they are still learning what they can.
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Understanding
If I have to choose, I would say my mother is more understanding. But they both are with one another. My mother gets sad over such small things. After 26 years, my father still listens to everything she is thinking and understands where this is coming from instead of just saying that she overthinks all the time.
My father speaks without thinking. So other people can think he’s rude, although he always realises it after that he said too much. So obviously he has said some things to my mother, but she always knows when he is serious when he’s not. I never understood it.
They get each other, and it has taken years to reach this point. It was not like they met and boom love understanding just came. They worked together and have reached the point where they are now.
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Don’t get angry at the same time
This is the most important thing in their relationship because of which they’ve never fought. I think it’s also the hardest. It’s not that they don’t get angry, just not together. I don’t know what their system is, how they know it’s not their turn to be angry.
When my mother is angry, she works noisily in the kitchen so we stay away from that area. I have seen my father standing in the corner of that kitchen like a kid listening to my mother in anger. It seems funny sometimes, but it works.
When my father is angry, he keeps finding faults in everything. Once I got angry and told my mother why is she not saying anything, she just looked at me and said it’s not the right time. They both talk when the person gets calm.
In my relationship, this is the hardest thing for me because you want to say it. You want to point out why it isn’t your fault or what they’re saying is wrong and put your point of view, but after years I’ve seen that just a little patience in the storm can do wonders.
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Sharing is caring
I think most people now have this concept of personal life, even after getting married. Personal time is different. My parents have their own personal time, but they share everything. Even my father, who doesn’t speak a lot, shares as much as he can. They take all the decisions together — financially or otherwise. If both agree only, then they do something otherwise they don’t. I’ve seen one person convincing the other when they really want something. The crucial point is they always talk.
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Appreciate what other person does
Randomly I’ve heard them saying pleasant things to each other. Out of the blue, they will say something. Some nights ago we were all sitting together and my father said your mother has done so much for us, I don’t know what I would have done without her. Random appreciation is best. Try it more in your relationship as well.
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Spending time with each other
My father is always following my mother everywhere at the house, even if they don’t talk. My mother will keep doing her work and my father spending time on his phone, but if they’re in the house, I’ll always find them together. If my mother goes somewhere or my father goes on some trip, they both miss each other so much. So they avoid spending time apart.
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All these things are so common. I know every single one of these. But these are so hard to follow.I’ve seen my parents doing this effortlessly for years, and I’ve learned so much from them.
It takes time to build a relationship. It’s not all love and fireworks. Their relationship is also flawed, but they have built something good and one day I hope I can too.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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