For couples who are married and living together, some arguing is practically unavoidable. Even if you just call it “having a discussion”, couples who are cohabitating — or anything close to this, tend to fall into more or less domestic patterns.
All the following issues basically relate to what you will have to share as a couple. It’s mostly the merging of agendas and lifestyles that can cause dissonance. All of this is normal and can be worked through, for any loving and committed couple.
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Money
This can be a big point of contention. Once you’re married, you’ll be pooling your finances. Even if you aren’t married, it’s quite likely you’ll spend some time fussing over who pays for what.
Most couples do learn how to financially harmonize with one another, successfully — but those who don’t, can have the opposite pattern. They never can seem to get fully on the same page about budgeting.
Some general advice is to be understanding of the other person. If you tend to be a big spender, remember that it’s affecting both parties’ pool of resources. If your partner has a lax spending habit, try to be relaxed in how you give them feedback.
Take some time to sit down together and look at your budget and finances. A little goes a long way for getting on the same wavelength. Also, if there is something that is bothering you, and you feel should be brought out into the open, it can be well worth the effort to talk about it.
My wife and I have tended to be pretty good about this. We’ve never fought seriously over money, but I know it can be an issue for other couples. A few times we’ve had tensions over one of us being too laissez faire or uptight about money, but effort on both of our parts’ has helped with this.
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Kids
They are probably the most intense example of manifesting a romantic and domestic union. Half is from the father and half from the mother, a 50/50 split (approximately). Yet parents will sometimes get into power struggles over who is really responsible for what, when it comes to child-rearing.
Remember that you’re in this together. Try to handle parenting tasks as a unit. Minimize any good-cop/bad-cop dynamics that will confuse the kids. Try not to put one parent in charge of everything discipline-related. Strive for balance and consistency. This will be beneficial for everyone, especially the children.
Sometimes my wife and I have had some heated discussions about how to treat our 8-month old. We have held different ideas about what would be appropriate for the baby. The important thing is that we’re patient, and talk it out.
Don’t let the kids get caught between issues you’re having. Sort out your problems as a family, and realize that what any one person does will affect the others, even in ways you may not easily see.
Of course, above all — do what works best for you and your family.
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Cleaning and maintenance
Maybe you have enough money to hire staff for everything — but probably not. Couples will need to clean up after themselves, and often their children too (at least at some point).
Who does the dishes, vacuuming, shops, organizes, looks after the house. All of these can become power struggles for couples. Different people seem to have different ways of resolving these issues as their default.
Like with most cases of sharing, equality is the best attitude to have. My wife and I try to get a fairly even split between different duties, and also rotate fluidly, so that it doesn’t feel too rigid.
How the home is laid out and general habits of organizing, also fall into this category. Where shared items are stored, who decides where to keep things, how spaces are defined, whose belongings go where, and so on.
When I was growing up, we always shared cleaning duties in my household. This is a good way of teaching children about basic cleanliness, and also to feel that they earn their weekly allowance, rather than being entitled to it. Plus, it makes the cleaning easier on parents too.
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Work and home life balance
Intoday’s world, this one is becoming more and more of an issue. With so many people working from home, career can easily spill over into domesticity.
Just another hour checking emails or looking at progress reports…just a few more minutes to prepare for that presentation on Monday!
Many of us know how it goes. And even if you have an on-location job, showing up early or staying late can become a concern. It’s often upsetting for both people in the relationship.
The person staying over-time feels that they’re working extra hard to provide, and the person left at home feels like they’re being neglected. My wife and I have had minor issues with this after changing to work-from-home schedules, and having our son.
The key is communication. Let the other person know how you feel. If you really need more time at work, be sensitive to how it will affect your partner. Likewise, if your partner has increased demands at the workplace, be understanding of the stress they are under which may not be a choice.
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5. Leisure time
This is a kind of catch-all category that covers everything from vacations to dates; TV, socializing, recreation — how couples choose to spend their time, and how this affects each person.
Reaching compromises and being respectful should be a focus. Be forgiving of each other and also sensitive to how what you’re doing is impacting the other person.
I think it’s healthy and ideal for partners to have some things that they enjoy together, and can turn to on a regular basis for quality bonding time. And also to have other avenues that they pursue independently.
This way, both people in the relationship feel that they can connect with the other readily based on some key shared interests. At the same time, they will feel that they can entertain themselves, and have something special and separate, just for them as individuals.
And they will feel that their partner is in the same position on the other end.
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Other thoughts
Ididn’t talk about sex and physical affection. Obviously it’s important to have healthy sex and intimacy in any relationship. However, I think of it being in somewhat in a category of its own.
People definitely can and do fight over sex sometimes. My advice would be to try hard to not let it become something that you argue over. It’s too special and intimate of an activity, and can easily be degraded by criticality.
Couples make their own rules in the bedroom. Be committed to figuring out what works for the two of you, and preserving the sacredness of that space.
It can be a deep issue, but it’s more of a personal one. Also, I see it as less of a domestic problem, and more of an issue you can find with romantic relationships in general.
Of course it can take a different tone with married people, and couples who are living together. So be on the lookout for how your sex life and overall intimacy habits might undergo changes, once your relationship status is more official and committed.
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Thank you for reading. Please feel free to share in the comments if you can think of other issues that couples who are living together tend to argue over. This is by no means an exhaustive list. I hope that you’ve found something helpful for you here, and if it isn’t useful or applicable for you, then just disregard it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Afif Kusuma on Unsplash