The 9 Things That Emotionally Healed Couples Do Differently

Life happens to everyone. We all experience emotional pain at some point and we’ll need to find the time and ways to heal ourselves.

— Maya Angelou

I recently shared a story about my friend Fiona and her partner who are struggling in their relationship due to failure to heal from their personal past traumas. The feedback and questions were heartwarming.

Healing is important because it is the first step towards having fulfilling relationships in life.

We all experience emotional distress in all sorts of ways — like sadness, anxiety, addictions, unproductive obsessions, unwanted compulsions, repetitive self-sabotaging behaviours, physical ailments, boredom, and various angry, bleak, and agitated moods.

Emotional pain is pain or hurt that originates from non-physical sources. Sometimes this emotional distress is the result of the actions of others.

Other times, it might be the result of regret, grief, or loss. In other cases, it might be the result of an underlying mental health condition such as bipolar disorder, depression or anxiety.

No matter what the cause, this psychological pain can be intense and significantly affect many different areas of your life.

While it is often dismissed as being less serious than physical pain, it is important that emotional pain is taken seriously.

For happy and fulfilling relationships, it is vital that both partners find emotional healing from their emotional pain caused by past traumas.

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According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, SAMHSA’s, partners who have undergone complete emotional healing are more loving and open in their relationships.

Just because you have been broken before does not mean you do not deserve to bring your whole self into subsequent relationships.

Here are ten things that emotionally healed couples do, and how you can adapt their habits to improve relationships, reduce sadness, anxiety, and other emotional distress

1. They Love Each Other And Know How To Accept Love

“Love is made up of three unconditional properties in equal measure: acceptance, understanding and appreciation.” — Vera Nazarian

Part of our nature requires solitude, alone time, and a substantial rugged individualism.

But this isn’t the whole story of our nature.

We feel happier, warmer and better, live longer, and experience life as more meaningful if we love and let ourselves be loved.

Couples who have received emotional healing know that the best gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance.

We are all the best versions of ourselves when we have love and acceptance in our lives. The journey is the unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth.

How you can adapt this:

The greatest love of all is inside of you. The greatest gift you can give the world is learning to love yourself because what you are is what spills out into the world. If you are full of love, that goodness will spill over into the world and the people around you. So, learn to love yourself.

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2. They Realize The Importance Of Their Thoughts

“Your thoughts are the architects of your destiny.” — David O. McKay

Nothing causes more emotional distress than the thoughts we think. We must do a better job than we usually do of identifying the thoughts that don’t serve us, disputing them and demanding that they go away, and substituting more useful thoughts.

Couples who have found emotional healing from their past traumas know that thinking thoughts that do not serve you is the equivalent of setting yourself up for emotional distress.

They realize the importance of harbouring positive thoughts towards their partner and the longevity of their relationship.

How you can adapt this:

Only you can get a grip on your own mind; if you won’t do that work, you will live in distress. Learn to think your desires into reality.

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3. They Live By The Principle Of “ Be Yourself”

“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

You must be yourself.

Couples that are emotionally healed and enjoying fulfilling relationships encourage each other to stay authentic to themselves.

This means asking for what they want, setting boundaries, being entitled to their own beliefs and opinions, standing up for their personal values, wearing the clothes they want to wear, eating the food they want to eat, saying the things they want to say, and in a hundred other ways being themselves and not somebody else.

How you can adapt this:

Embark on a journey of self-discovery. Embrace your authentic self, and show up as that person in your relationships.

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4. They Let Go Of Their Anxieties

“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Rampant anxiety ruins our equilibrium, colours our mood, and makes all the already hard tasks of living that much harder.

If you struggle with anxiety, there are many anxiety management strategies you might want to try — breathing techniques, cognitive techniques, relaxation techniques, and so on — but what will make all the difference is if you can locate that “inner switch” that controls your anxious nature and, deciding that you prefer to live more calmly, flip it to the off position.

Emotionally healed couples have learned how to flip the anxiety switch to the off position for themselves and their partners.

How you can adapt this:

Affirm yourself as free of anxiety. Affirm that you will no longer over-dramatize, that you will no longer catastrophize, that you will no longer live a fearful life or create unnecessary anxiety for yourself or your partner.

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5. They Allow Each Other The Freedom Of Self-Invention

“If you are not where you want to be do not quit instead reinvent yourself and change your habits.” — Eric Thomas
Each of us comes with attributes, capacities and proclivities and we are moulded to thrive in a certain environment.

At some point, it is important to ask yourself, “Okay, this is what is original to me and this is how I have been formed but now who do I want to be?”

Couples who have found emotional healing allow each other the freedom to keep re-inventing themselves.

How you can adapt this:

You can reduce your emotional distress by deciding to become a person who will experience less emotional distress: a calmer person, a less critical person, a less egoistic person, a more productive person, a less self-abusive person, and so on.

Allow yourself the freedom to invent and re-invent yourself, and choose to be who you want to be, not who society says you should be.

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6. They Forget The Past And Focus On Their Future

“If you don’t leave your past in the past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away. “ — Unknown

Unfortunately, many people who need emotional healing find themselves dwelling on the past. They wish they could take away the trauma they suffered and start on a new slate.

Couples who have found emotional healing know that the past is better left in the past because you can’t change it.

As a human race, we are not so completely in control of our being that we can prevent past sore points from returning. They have a way of pestering us as anxious sweats, nightmares, sudden sadness, and waves of anger or defeat.

But we can nevertheless try to exorcise the past by not playing along with our human tendency to wallow there.

We must tell ourselves to move on and mean it.

How you can adapt this:

You must be wise enough to leave your past right there in the past. If you have a secret attachment to misery, you will feel miserable. As best you can, imperfectly but with real energy, let go of the past and forget the past.

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7. They Deal With The Circumstances

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, and not upon our circumstances.” — Martha Washington

Emotionally healed couples learn how to deal with the circumstances.

How you can adapt this:

Would you experience more distress sunning yourself at the beach or facing a long jail sentence?

Circumstances matter.

Our economic circumstances matter; our relationships matter; our work conditions matter; our health matters; whether our nation is at peace or occupied by invaders matters.

Emotional healing requires that you take real action in the real world. Love your partner through all circumstances.

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8. They Create Meaning For Their Relationship

If we do not pause before we die to learn why we strive, why we fear, and why we live, we will waste precious years running around like a headless chicken.” — Dr Paul TP Wong

We can have much more meaning in our life if we stop looking for it, as if it were lost or as if someone else knew more about it than we did, and realize that it is in our power to influence meaning and even make it.

Emotionally healed couples have learned how to live life within the moment and create relationships filled with meaning.

By making daily meaningful investments and by seizing daily meaningful opportunities we hold meaning crises at bay and experience life as meaningful.

Problems produce severe emotional distress and learning the art of value-based meaning-making dramatically reduces that distress.

How you can adapt this:

You can start each day by announcing to yourself exactly how you intend to improve your relationship and make meaning on that day, how you intend to deal with routine chores and tasks, how you intend to relax — how, in short, you mean to spend your day — and you consider all of that, the rich and the mundane alike, as the project of your life, one that you are living with grace and in good spirits.

You reduce your emotional distress by checking in more on your intentions and the positive direction you intend for your relationship to take.

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9. They Upgrade Their Personalities

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.” — Lao Tzu

Emotionally healed couples continually work at self-improvement.

How you can adapt this:

You may not be the person you would like to be. You may be angrier than you would like to be, more impulsive, more scattered, more self-sabotaging, more undisciplined, more frightened.

If so, you require a personality upgrade, which of course only you can supply.

You choose a feature of your personality you would like to upgrade and then you ask yourself, what thoughts align with this intention and what actions align with this intention?

Then you think the appropriate thoughts and take the necessary action. In this way, you become the person capable of reducing your emotional distress for yourself, and for your partner when you are in a relationship.

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Final Thoughts

Emotional distress has been a significant feature of human existence from the beginning. What is different now is that the paradigm of self-help is completely available to anyone who would like to reduce his or her emotional distress.

You can understand yourself; you can form intentions and carry them out; you can learn from experience; you can grow and heal.

And thankfully, you can apply these same concepts to improve your relationship with your significant other.

Both partners have to be willing to do the work required.

And I assure you that with both partners willing to work on their emotional healing, they are on their way to make a fulfilling relationship.

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