When I was 22 years old, I thought I found my soul mate. I was on my graduation cruise vacation with my mother and my sister when I met a magical creature from a far off land, my future prince charming. He had an accent that could make you melt and a charisma that surely got him whatever he wanted throughout his life.
When we connected, it wasn’t just fire and passion that bursts from us both but it was also a new-found creativity and transcendence of some sort that felt otherworldly.
We were certain that we were absolutely each other’s other half, even though he was from South Africa and working as a crewmember and I was just graduating with my undergrad in biology and forensic sciences.
We didn’t know how we were going to make things work, we just had an undying faith in each other and the universe that it all would.
When I disembarked with my family and the other guests from that voyage and made my way back home, I just knew. Life was completely and irrevocably different. On a soul level, I was changed. And as far as I knew, he was too.
We spoke every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. He told me he loved me a few days after the cruise ended. We had just hung up before I started driving back to my house and I was stopped at a red light when my phone beeped that I had a voice message. When I checked it, I thought my heart would burst with so much love for this person, who barely a week ago was a stranger.
About a week or so after we began exchanging the “L” word, he asked me to join him as his assistant cruising the world, making a living as a couple on the high seas.
I was already begrudgingly gathering information to apply to grad schools and the thought of going back to school, especially so soon was incredibly dreary, so it was an easy and exciting adventure to take a leap of faith and say yes to.
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After knowing this person who I had fallen madly in love with for roughly two months and seeing him in person only on his home port days (which would probably have had us see each other under 24 hours in total), I joined him.
And it was everything I could have dreamed of. My room and board paid for, making money with a new job as a crew member, getting to learn new skills and a new subject matter hands on, learning how to fend for myself and travel the world right next to someone who I considered to be my twin flame. I was in bliss.
This fairy tale with my prince charming lasted less than six months before it started to completely unravel. I “caught” him in another woman’s cabin one night past 2 am. I heard stories of people he was seeing behind my back and I was swiftly discovering a web of lies that was being spun by my beloved.
But I was young, and in love and this was my fairy tale. I forgave him. He wanted to work on things and get us to a good place so we could continue on the journey that was us.
He proposed. I said yes in spite of what my gut said. I was too stubborn to consider that I’d gotten it wrong. I refused to think that this beautiful soul that I had instant chemistry and connection with, was that fundamentally flawed.
We carried out our relationship for another three, plus years until I finally had enough.
The lies, the resentment, the withholding, the anger, the drugs and alcohol abuse, the infidelity all of that was not what had the relationship finally come to a hull.
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At 24 years old, I was in a long-term, sexless relationship.
TWENTY-FOUR. My should-be-sex-filled prime.
But it was the truth. I wrote and counted in one of my journal calendars that our sex life was down to a trajectory of eight times within a year.
And those eight times? They were awkward, disconnected, often alcohol induced and left me feeling used (mostly self-induced) and completely void of any real connection or intimacy.
On the outside, according to everyone looking in we were perfect. We worked so well together, we made a lot of money and we were very complimentary when it came to our looks. But under that was the complete and total opposite of the fire, passion, and desire that were present in the very beginning of our relationship.
I asked myself over and over again – What the hell happened? What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve the mess?
I completely lost who I was as a person. And when I left the relationship I left all of the life I had at that time behind and started from scratch on my own.
Even though leaving that relationship was a ton of bricks off of my chest, I was still completely clueless, questioning and wondering what to do with life and how to make sure that all of that would NEVER have happened in my life or relationships ever again.
Only thing was I didn’t know how to ensure that for myself. I had no clue what I was doing when heavy situations arose, like cheating, porn, and lies which I then followed with immense amounts of emasculation. How the hell do I make sure I never do that to any one again and how to I make sure to refuse it from another? What inner work do I need to do to get clarity here?
So much trial and error and a few “rock bottom” moments helped me navigate and eventually find my way on an incredible personal development journey that I am so grateful for and I understand would not have occurred in my life had I not gone through what I’d gone through in that relationship.
My career now—I have that time to thank for it. I became obsessed with the what went wrong and I especially became insatiably curious about the sex part.
In my obsession and curiosity, I realized that we (rather collectively) as a people are not taught how to properly navigate sex or love in relationships. We are taught shit like the Pythagorean theorem, which most of us will NEVER use in our lives once released from the archaic schooling model of today, and we are taught nothing about how to be a good, kind, caring, loving, sexually empowered and erotically intelligent human for the future!
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We have to just figure it out and in doing so, potentially endure so much unnecessary pain if we just had even a little guidance.
Now, I am not saying that if I would have been taught those things or at least been clued in when growing up, I would have been able to make anything more of the toxic relationship I was in, but I can pose the question – how could it have been different if I had been? What would I have been able to pick up on? How much better equipped would I have been in certain situations?
The truth is that within all relationships, shit is going to happen!
When do you think is the best time to figure out how to handle that shit? Before, during or after it’s going down?
Right, before. But the thing is that immaturity and puppy love can cloud judgment for sure, and at any age really.
If I could have my way, every developing relationship would have the tough conversations when the relationship is still easy and free flowing, when you have less to lose. I would have every couple have an action plan for when it comes to instances of infidelity because let’s face it, it happens! No relationship is exempt from at least the feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, and guilt surrounding lustful actions or thoughts towards people outside of the primary couple.
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If I could have my way, I’d have couples have the uncomfortable discussion of what will happen and what will they do when the sex goes stale.
How about a map for navigating a time when the relationship needs a level-headed sustainability re-evaluation?
These are all examples of common issues that couples face every single day. What do you think is better, to live in denial of human nature and leave the relationship to chance due to fear of discomfort from a conversation, or is it better to actively choose consciousness, self-awareness, and love as a way to handle when tough stuff pops up?
Sex, love, and relationships are foggy areas to navigate when you are green and already steering the vessel. My plea to you all is to have the conversations that are necessary before they are a necessity so that your relationships stand a fighting chance and you show up prepared and rehearsed and you can give the performance of your life.
Be an advocate when it comes to teaching the youth what healthy communication, sexuality, and relationships actually look like, even if you aren’t in one at the moment. Speak that beauty into existence in your own life and help the younger generation figure it out while you’re at it.
And when you find yourself in a fledgling relationship that you truly care about, ask the tough questions right away! What is the worst that could happen? When you speak your truth and you speak it from a place of authenticity and love, nothing but brilliance can come of it. Either the universe will save you or you will get to be a witness to magic unfolding right before your eyes because you played an active part in building the relationship of your dreams.
Alexa
PS. Tip from someone who turned her life experiences and passions into her life’s work, before having those conversations with another person, you have to have them with yourself first. Should you need help with that, reach out to me.
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Photo Credit – Getty Images
Thank you for this Alexa! I totally agree with you, these conversations NEED to be had before marriage and even before a long term commitment. Sex with my ex husband was always just meh and not that enjoyable, it was like a job I had to do to please him and like sex wasn’t meant to be pleasurable for me.