I glance in between the one-inch space created by his index finger and thumb. “She made me feel this big,” he says. He recounts a time he felt small. In hindsight and after some maturation, he finds it funny. When she rolled over in bed and asked, “Do you always cum this quick?”, it wasn’t very funny.
I ask him, “Why did you choose to say she made me feel this big? Why didn’t you say small?”
He remains silent, thinking to himself.
I interrupt his thoughts: “Why did you even use those terms at all? I would have said I felt embarrassed. How can someone even make you feel big or small?”
“I don’t know,” he finally answers.
We both start laughing.
As he flashes his big smile, I tell him how lucky I am to have him around. He’s relieved his story doesn’t make him smaller in my eyes. His honesty makes me respect him even more. Although he is the complete package, he still suffers from “bigitis.”
I characterize bigitis as the male obsession with bigness. Most men suffer from this debilitating condition. Men want big schlongs, big muscles, big vehicles, big paychecks, big portions of meat, big houses, big TVs, a big piece of land, a big dog and the list grows bigger and bigger. Some want to kiss big lips. Some want to touch big boobs. Some like big butts and they cannot lie. Some want to leave a big mark behind. Some want to create a big empire. Some want to be a big legend. Whatever a man desires, it needs to be big.
You don’t believe me? LaRon Landry is in the spotlight for his Incredible-Hulk body. Burger King doesn’t even consider small-handed men as manly. Try walking a small dog in the park. Sex and The City’s most popular male character was Mr. Big. Watch Internet porn lately? Did you see an advertisement for a penis reducer? Reduce your size in 90 days guaranteed. Even when we ask men to be humble, we say be the bigger man. Men are either this big or this big but never small.
Who is this big show for? What is this Mr. Big envy all about? Is it really about being big or about being bigger than him? I would love to know who this “him” is. I am dying to kick his big ass. Men are constantly trying to be bigger and better than this invisible him. This invisible him puts big pressure on your very visible, very real life.
I know men are natural-born competitors. Your own sperm competes with itself. You even have warrior sperm that blocks other sperm. If your microscopic sperm is going to survive, it must be better than the rest. I understand, but can we leave this sperm race in my fallopian tubes where it belongs? Why finally make it to survival just to repeat the same race outside of my cervix?
But the desire for bigness does continue outside of the womb, of course. I was at my favorite coffee shop recently. I saw a father holding an umbrella, two cups and a plate, while simultaneously directing his toddler son to a table. I helped them to their table. The boy introduced himself and with his fingers signaled he was 3 years old. I told him he was big; I thought he was about five. He says, “I am not big”. He looks up at his dad and says, “He’s bigger”. His dad reassures him that he’ll be big one day. We tell boys they are big boys. No wonder when they encounter something or someone they perceive to be bigger than them, they feel the obligation to measure up. I never heard of a man trying to measure down.
Men dream big and this is okay. The desire for bigness isn’t really the concern but the reasons for it are. If the desire arises from a feeling of smallness, inadequacy, or inferiority, then it becomes highly problematic. Your confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth will be contingent upon external factors. This means you will always fluctuate from this big to this big. Your entire life will be spent rising and falling, inflating and deflating. You will swell and shrink as often as your penis does. Obtaining what you perceive to be bigger and better will only provide a temporary cure for the symptoms. You will be happy until that big feeling of smallness creeps up again. Unsatisfied, you search for something even bigger. Something big and massive enough to crush the smallness that has invaded you.
Big is a competition no man will ever win. Once you reach the measure of success, a couple more notches are added to the measuring stick. Once you buy the biggest thing, they bring out a bigger model. You become stuck in a vicious cycle of measuring up. Nothing is ever big enough—including you.
What is the cure for bigitis? Simply knowing you are big enough as you are for where you are at the moment. The little boy in the coffee shop couldn’t see his own bigness because he was comparing himself to his father, who in his 3-year-old eyes was enormous. I am 5-foot-6 and taller than his father. Big is relative and it’s a matter of perspective.
Your penis isn’t going to grow. If your paycheck increases so will your spending, thus you’ll have to make more money. A bigger house means bigger repairs. Bigger isn’t always better. Remember the story of David and Goliath. A giant man defeated by a tiny pebble. The bigger you are the harder you fall.
Ironically, when you let go of bigitis is when you become big. The Beatles never dreamed of becoming big. Mark Zuckerberg is another great example. By wanting something bigger, you make yourself smaller. You diminish the great qualities you already possess. Create your own measuring stick and forget about everyone else’s. Instead of building a big empire, build true self-confidence that doesn’t wax and wane. Most importantly, stop competing with this invisible him. Compete with yourself since you are your biggest hindrance.
Big is only seen because it is obvious. Once noticed people move on. Appreciate smallness. Smallness contains immense beauty that oftentimes goes unseen. I leave you with a quote from Wilson A. Bentley, a man who was obsessed with the microscopic. He photographed snowflakes from 1865-1931.
“Under the microscope, I found that snowflakes were miracles of beauty; and it seemed a shame that this beauty should not be seen and appreciated by others. Every crystal was a masterpiece of design and no one design was ever repeated. When a snowflake melted, that design was forever lost. Just that much beauty was gone, without leaving any record behind.”
— Mr. Big photo: ElectraSteph / flickr