At the onset, let me get this out of the way. I know we women have had it tough. We still do. Female infanticide is still being practiced. Men rape women for pure lust, revenge or simply because they can. Women are paid less for the same job and expected to leave their flourishing careers to raise babies. Yes, gender discrimination exists everywhere; in some countries and cultures more than others.
Stop. Take a breath. Menfolk are not against you.
|
However, I find that today’s ‘modern’ women are increasingly hiding under the veil of feminism.
If a woman decides to quit her job to look after children, it’s considered normal, noble even. Catch a man doing that, and eye brows are raised and quick assumptions are reached: He probably lost his job. Poor guy has no choice. Why else would he swap diapers for dollars?
A woman coming home at midnight after an office party is exercising her choice. A man doing so is being a prick for ignoring his family.
After a long stressful day at work, when a woman has to wash the dishes post dinner, we pity her. But then what about the housewives or stay-at-home mums who insist that their husbands have to participate—equally if I may add—to all the household and children’s chores despite the men being the sole breadwinners?
When a man painstakingly cooks dinner for his wife (even if it’s Maggi two-minute noodles), it’s considered romantic. When a woman does the same, she is judged as being a doormat.
Ladies kitty parties and elaborate high teas are an acceptable lifestyle, but a man needs to cajole his wife and buy her presents to get a boys’ night-out pass.
◊♦◊
Where is the equality in any of this? Feminism is not about putting men down. It’s about being equal. The rules must be the same. What’s wrong for the gander is wrong for the goose too.
Because when you decide to share your life with someone, they become a part of your choices.
|
If we women want the privilege of choice, we have to bear the responsibility of those choices. I opted for a three-day work week when my son was born. I was passed over for promotion. Twice. This is NOT discrimination. It’s fair—fair to the man who got the promotion as he was working his ass off, while I organized play dates. Yes, it was my choice, but it came at a price that I am—to some extent—still paying for. My choice. My price.
Wearing shorts and singlets is as much my right as wearing a sari. Strangely, we live in a world that applauds the former and ridicules the latter.
A mother plays the baby card and is exempted from working on weekends while men pick up the slack.
Women who choose not to have a baby are judged more by other women than by men. A ‘career woman’ is berated for her choice as is a stay-at-home mum. They are judged by women. We judge. One way or the other.
◊♦◊
Stop. Take a breath. Menfolk are not against you. You are fighting your own inner battles. You want to make your choices emphatically, but don’t want the burden of the consequences.
I find many women conflicted nowadays. Simply because we have way too many choices. Ask yourself ‘What do I want?’ And then chalk out a strategy to make it happen. Accept the pluses and minuses of your choices. Stand up and take responsibility. And remember—your choices affect the ones around you. Making choices unequivocally is not asserting your feminism. It’s just being selfish.
I would like to clarify that women referred to here are the educated elite—women with tons of choices. Choose to be true to who you are inside. If you want to quit your job to pursue your passion, talk to your husband, plan your finances and do it! And if you want to put your child in daycare to focus on your career, don’t play martyr-mum. If you are lucky to be footloose and capable of paying your own bills, then go ahead and do whatever the hell you wish. Because when you decide to share your life with someone, they become a part of your choices. The trick is finding someone who will stand by your choices. As you will stand by his.
—
Sketch: Vishnu Nair
Seema, I agree that we should all take responsibility for our choices and actions, but you never describe how women are “increasingly hiding under the veil of feminism.” You didn’t provide survey results or even anecdotes. Instead this essay reads as only what you assume people believe. Specifics are what make essays interesting and lend credibility. If you heard people mock stay-at-home dads, how do you know they were feminists? How do you know they were making those comments under the banner of feminism? Did a woman actually tell you that she thought it was okay for her to come… Read more »
Tks for the feedback Sara. All of the examples are from personal experiences. I just did not want to put anyone on the spot. When it comes to my own personal experience, I have shared it openly.
Yes, the best part of your essay was when you talked about your personal experience because it was candid and sincere. I agree whole-heartedly that we are responsible for our choices because nobody can “have it all.” We must choose what is most important to us and then live with the consequences. And yes, women have got to stop judging each other for our choices! Thank you for making that point. My concern was that the premise of your essay was that modern women were hiding their selfishness under the veil of feminism, but you didn’t support this claim. You… Read more »
i think she is talking about “many”, not “all” women. even if she were to know someone who does stuff like that, she wouldn’t be able to name them. :-))) and without names, quotes aren’t credible anyway. yes, anecdotes and statistics do lend a lot of credibility to any piece. agree with you. what seema has perhaps written is her point of view. you may disagree with it, but many others have related well to this piece, which probably indicates that many men have felt the same…women too. one can’t have surveys on everything, and sometimes, what one writes is… Read more »
Thanks for taking the time to respond. I agree that that is an opinion piece and should not be held to journalistic standards. Also, if you scroll down to my response to Seema’s comment, you’ll see that I do agree with most of her points and that I did enjoy and appreciate her essay. There was just something about the examples provided that struck me as a straw man argument. If I were to write an essay on sexism I’ve encountered, I could include a situation where a foul-mouthed man criticized a woman for using foul language. This would be… Read more »
thnks, sara!
Uh it’s usually impossible to even have a conversation about “feminism” when that word could mean anything, as per people’s broad and varied personal definitions. I see a bunch of unqualififed, empty rhetoric like “modern feminism is all about emasculation of men”. Imagine a similarly sweeping statement like: “Modern masculinity is all about violence”. Hopefully you’ll recognise that the two previous remarks are equally unsophisticated, meaningless on their own, and they only really function to rub people up the wrong way. We can’t even get as far as discussing ideas pertaining to feminism, because we can’t move beyond meaningless soundbites… Read more »
“Unqualified”, “meaningless”, “unsophisticated”….Hmmmm You write, ” If YOU are desperate for women to take more responsibility for their own lives, then please feel free to morally support those of us who do. Or not. We don’t really give a &@%$.” Thanks for demonstrating the art of being qualified, meaningful, and sophisticated. Rather than addressing my comments or others, why don’t address the central points of the author? Please. This is not about who has it worse. This is really about, as the author poignantly states, “Stand up and take responsibility.” I, as well as the author, clearly agree that women… Read more »
I never said I was meaningful, sophisticated, or qualified, I just happened to use those words in a paragraph somewhere. AAARGH but, JULES, you did another one of THOSE sentences (the “empty rhetoric” ones): “Women enjoy a lot of unchecked privilege which nothing short of entitlement.” Why you gotta DO me like that, Jules?! I’m sure you are a qualified, meaningful, and sophisticated enough individual that you can see the problem with these kinds of statements, right? Right? SLIGHT TANGENT ALERT: If you are genuinely interested in the joys of “unchecked female privilege”, I do suggest checking out the perspectives… Read more »
The point of the article is simply to take responsibility and avoid judgments that women tend to have on other women. It’s about exhibiting more empathy towards each other instead of ‘ganging up’ on men. Again, this is very specific to modern urban females who have the choice. But tend to use it to their advantage, rather than to leverage it to help other women. It’s about solidarity towards a positive instead of a shield against men. It’s about breaking stereotypes that women have of each other and frankly giving each other a bit of a break. P.s. I wrote… Read more »
Lots of anger there, Jess. Equating feminism with masculinity is an apples to oranges comparison. Masculinity is a gender identity (and yes, that is exactly what we do is to equate it with violence against women), and feminism is a political movement. The feminine and the masculine would be a sound comparrison. We can only judge feminism by their own actions and rhetoric, and that rhetoric is comparable to the Neo-Nazi movement when they speak of Jews, or the Klan when they speak of black people. Even feminist don’t like feminism. The factions have broken off, and are in conflict.… Read more »
Yeah, I do get pretty angry about this topic, especially the way language gets misused/abused and ideas get misrepresented. I wasn’t equating feminism with masculinity–sorry if my analogy was rubbish/confusing. I was talking about broadly sweeping generalised subjective statements that offend people, so I’m going to have to work on my explanations. Since I only conceive of masculinity as an abstract, subjective idea open to interpretation, I don’t personally “equate masculinity with violence”. OMG DJ, WTF are you doing “We can only judge feminism by their own actions and rhetoric, and that rhetoric is comparable to the Neo-Nazi movement…” Are… Read more »
Never thought I’d see something like this here. Women want to have it all when that’s never been an option for men
perhaps women have always felt deprived of choices because of so many societal expectations…and amidst all this, we did fail to see that it’s not just us that feels this way… women could group together and voice out what they wanted…perhaps men never did although they face as much, or even more.
As always, I enjoy your thoughts on all of this, Sushi. That is not simply because you are supporting men on this particular issues, but that you speak rationally and honestly about the issues in a mature and modest way.
So far ahead of our time that you stand out in the crowd.
DJ…thanks! 🙂
@ Susheela Menon
Maybe there in lies the truth. Women are not familiar with consequences because they’re not familiar with choice. When you have choices you have ownership of your results.
you are right, John.
Absolutely spot on seema. I strongly believe it’s cowardice to take shelter under feminism for your lack of willingness to take responsibility of your choices or plain laziness. It should be a level playing ground and not unfairly skewed against men. Tiredness and fatigue of a workaday life is same for all. I have many single girlfriends who tell me why doesn’t you make your husband wash dishes. I don’t have to make him, he will do if I request him but I don’t want him because I realise the pressures of his work. When I have had a comparatively… Read more »
completely agree with you here, swetha.
Seema, Thank you for this piece. This indeed a conversation piece that no one is having at GMP. I can only recall two other pieces here in the past few years with a similar theme. They too were authored by women who were of immigrant backgrounds or lived in different countries. “Feminism is not about putting men down.” Yes, I agree. To me as a man, feminism is really about the dignity of women. However, modern feminism is nothing short of the pure emasculation of men. “If we women want the privilege of choice, we have to bear the responsibility… Read more »
Thnks for the message, jules. Let’s hope a window for discussion and change opens up soon on this front. Am glad you could relate to the story.
and yes, it was a sound and authentic article that attempted to see all sides of the issue.